Fear of losing my job

It is a crazy thought but I realized already a couple of occasions that I feared to loose the job I just started with! There are very subtile triggers that I can pinpoint as a couse of the thoughts leading eventually to this fear.

The first occasion I can remember is a discussion about my brand new job with my brother in law. He said that having a job is really nice but with a contract for 6 months the security is limited. He advised me to continue working on my network of business relations just in case. Although this is very common sense and I already came to the same conclusion myself it planted  a seed of fear in myself. My mind started to work out all kind of scenario’s that eventually could lead to loosing my job after these six months. Within the same context Other people gave me all kind of advices like having to make myself absolutely indispensable by planning ahead of these six months. I always did the opposite since I never believed in the effectiveness of people being indispensable for a company/organisation. In order to achieve this you need to keep things for yourself compromising effective communication and collaboration thus productivity of a team within a company.

Nevertheless the fears come in and I had a hell of a job dealing with these fears by doing SF on them each time they popped up in my mind. These fears were all fed by a much bigger underlaying fear, the fear of not being able to earn (enough) money for myself and my family. The fact that having a job should be enough to get rid of this fear you would say. But as long as the trigger or source of the specific fear is not taken away, the fear will come back, even if conditions are changed and there is apparently no reason anymore for that fear to exist.

Besides the fact fears are influencing one’s life and one’s decisions dramatically we tend to push away the fears we have. Not so long ago I was convinced not to have that many fears in my life until I started to dig into the pool of my memories and experiences to discover I had been a master in stowing away many fears. I also tried to get rid of fears by changing the situation and taking away the condition of the fear to exist. No success! The mind always manages to create new conditions for the fear to exist. The only effective way to get rid of my fears is to face them, work on the underlaying triggers and stop all related thoughts and patterns using the tools of Desteni.


Time is money, money is time

It is now more than a month ago that I left my home Imagein Italy to go to the Netherlands to look for a job. It is over a month now that I am working hard to get work, not only by doing many job applications but also working on myself since being without a job, living in someone else’s house without being able to tell for how long implies also that you have to face yourself.

Reality can hit hard and I need all my energy to keep myself standing and go through everyday’s life. Life in my conditions is at the same time boring and nerve wrecking. Since you have no job you tend to feel useless and even a burden to those that offer you help. The odd part of all this is that it can change suddenly into another situation. At least that is what the mind suggests. The mind keeps saying that as soon as I have a job everything will be ok. This is only partially true since life will go on with or without job. That what gets different is the way you can organize yourself with or without money.

Nevertheless, getting a job will be an important step in the process of getting back into the system. I am very well aware that becoming an employee will limit my freedom, but what freedom is it when you have the time to do anything you like without having the money to do so. There is no freedom in our society. We are all enslaved to money and if we do not have it we simply will die (or in developed countries live a very limited life without many opportunities to change that situation).

In a movie I watched today there was a sentence that says: “If you are with the system you will be rewarded, if you oppose it you will be punished”. That is exactly what I see when looking back to my own life. I refused to adapt to the system and was therefore expelled from it in a slow process that ended into the situation I am in now, left with no money and fighting to get back into the system just to be able to survive.

It took quite some time to try to get loose from the system and now I see that getting back into it is not an immediate process either. I have to be patient and it is quite challenging to patiently walk the path back since the lack of money (= time) is a high pressure factor. I need to buy time (ask for money) directly or indirectly for every day that goes by. This adds up to the debt I am so trying to avoid but which is so nicely fitting into the monetary system of our planet.

This brings me to the next point, is resisting the fact to have debt not again me fighting the system? Am I supposed to go along with it and accept I have debts I will never be able to pay back? Does it make sense to try to pay back your debt when you know the actual money system is designed to make it impossible to pay it back? Governments are trying to get rid of debt by moving it to the people and very few are aware of the fact this is narrowing more and more our possibilities and making us more dependent and controllable by these governments.

Having said this, it is with an uneasy feeling that I am getting my position back into society. Life will not get easier for anyone with the difference I have already walked through experiences that allow me to see things for what they are and to act accordingly as much as I can in the moment, breath by breath. Therefore I see my whole experience I lived over the last couple of years as something very useful and in no way a waste of time (or money).

Tomorrow is a milestone day since I will know if the day after tomorrow will be one of still searching for a job or making a next step forward and while having a new job taking care of finding a place to live with my family and organize everything so I can move my family from Italy to the Netherlands and live again as a united family.

PS. Many friends and family members are crossing their fingers for tomorrow… I am sure it will help (lol). And the fun part is, do they really know why they are crossing their fingers? What is their real starting point?

Shocking discoveries

Yesterday was a very beautiful day and I decided to make a bicycle trip from my brothers house in Amsterdam to my parents in law in Zeewolde. And back of course. It was a considerable distance, 55 km one way! I started at 9:00 in the morning and an hour later I was already in the picturesque town of  Muiden. I had a nice breeze pushing me and making the ride very nice. The sun was shining and I even took my jacket off since it was becoming too hot. One hour later I had crossed the town of Almere Haven and from that point on I had to follow the dike until I reached my destination. Very nice, water on one side with the sunlight reflecting in it and endless fields on the other side and a nice push from the wind in my back.

On the other had I realized what this wind in my back meant for the trip back… A lot of kilometers against the wind. After three hours I had again a short break and started to feel my legs and butt. The last half hour was tougher than the three hours before and I knew why! Not only physical strain but also my mind telling me I was almost there! I did some sf on that of course.

I ate a nice and healthy lunch at my parents in law and prepared myself for the trip back to Amsterdam. Since I knew the wind could be a problem on the long run I considered to eventually shorten my ride a bit by aiming at Almere and taking the train for the last 30 km.

It was very fascinating to see how the mind is working in situations of physical strain. It can be tempting to go in the mind by starting to have thoughts about anything so you do not have to be conscious all the time here and now facing the reality in which your physical body is undergoing physical stress. So I checked this point constantly to make sure I was not going in the mind. I saw myself projected in the future and saying to myself that in a short while I will be at my destination, something of any help to the actual situation I was living: move the pedals of the bicycle in a seemingly endless movement.

So, instead of giving the mind the opportunity to fuck me I started observing the scenario I was crossing. I started to see there was a lot to see indeed, even when just looking a few meters ahead while pushing hard against the wind. While riding on small secondary roads across farmers land I saw onions and potatoes that apparently dropped from a trailer. But most of all I saw an endless amount of plastic bottles, cans, plastic bags and other waste. I saw the waste along the side of the highway and that I could understand since it is commonly known that really anything is thrown from a car’s window. At least this rubbish is cleaned regularly. But where did all this rubbish along this small road come from I asked myself? Since it was mostly bottles and cans I guessed it was left there by the people working on the fields. Apparently they forgot that nobody is going to clean this on a regular base.

All this was quite shocking to me. Until now I had the opinion that a country like Italy was filthy with litter and rubbish to be found anywhere in nature. I never considered a country like The Netherlands could have the same issue. It has been a little different. Not so much the amount of people just throwing stuff anywhere but less cleaning is taking place here. The typical Dutch model of a welfare state that takes care of everything is fading since it is most probably unsustainable. I had to get rid of this opinion about the difference between the two countries.

While observing the road and the landscape I progressed slowly to my destination that seen the circumstances being a strong wind and painful legs that tended to go into a cramp if I pushed a little more was set to Almere so I could do the last bit by train. I continued to be challenged by the mind that was projecting myself at my brother’s place taking a nice hot shower and having a nice warm meal. At the same time I found out it was getting colder. Even in the train later I had the next challenge. Although I was sitting and relaxing I kept seeing myself having a shower and a meal until I started wondering if I had put the keys back in my bag after I used them at my parents in law’s house. Without these keys I was locked outside and would have to return to pick them up. A quick check in my bag was enough to see this was another mind fuck.

I monitored carefully the state of my body and did not push myself over the limit. Even though I still had enough strength in my legs to do another 30 km I had to consider the cramps and unnecessary muscle strain I would have regretted the next day. The result is that one day later I have no muscle pain and no extra fatigue even though I made a trip of 80 km in total. And my butt? No saddle pain either.

Paralyzed by fear and by possession

I feel fucked, fucked-up, betrayed, nervous, possessed. What is going on? A lot of things that are at the end all related to each other…

The fact: A couple of nights ago I decided to monitor the activities of my daughter and the YM (young man) who’s sleeping over regularly for practical reasons related to work. My decision was triggered by a sum up of the many signals mainly given by my daughter during the day. What I found out was confirming my darkest suspicions and as a father I can tell you it has a blowing impact. While hearing sounds of intensive kissing (and who knows what other activities that produce the same sounds) I felt paralyzed. I knew I had to go into the room next door to stop that what was going on. I could have woken my partner, but I did not. I only managed to listen while my heart was racing. I did it for hours apparently, because when finally my daughter left the room to go to sleep it was 4:30 in the morning.

It took me hours to calm down and with no effective sleep I got up in early morning to do my things and to have some distraction. Only much later I managed to concentrate on my work, but I could not go around the consequences of what I lived that night.

Looking back I see that I had been fighting with many thoughts. I asked myself if I could make it to interrupt what was going on. I heard A. giggling and that somehow reassured me that she was OK and apparently having fun. No need to brutally interfere there and to create a negative situation of something that might have been positive. This actually was a justification for not coming into action since I was not able to move.

While having breakfast with my partner S. we actually started together talking about the same thing. I told S. what I experienced and heard that night while shaking wildly with my arms. It was again clear to me that the whole thing had a huge impact on me and S.

In the previous days I started paying more and more attention to my daughter’s and the YM’s behavior . Every time I entered A’s room she was clicking something away on her laptop. I decided to check this out and was able to trace google search terms that were used within our home network environment. Besides searches like “the 10 strangest things you can do with a condom” the one that triggered my alarms was “how does it feel to have your pussy licked” in Dutch. Teenage curiosity or preparing for some action for the next time our young man was in the house?

I am not against experimenting on sex but with all necessary precautions. A girl aged 14 and a man aged 20 is not a very happy combination. I saw my daughter being pulled into a situation that was far beyond her real way of life which is to me still very childish. Also I never experienced A. trying to be attractive sexually with attitude or clothing.

Many questions however remained unanswered. Since we are not sure to what level the two manage to stay responsible for their actions or be aware of the consequences we do not know. When S. checked the sheet that was on the sleeping couch she found two big stains. Here again we wanted to know for sure there had not been a situation in which A. risked to get pregnant.

At the end we had the full story from A. One thing emerges very clearly, she was afraid of the YM already for some time. His behavior grew slowly to a more obsessive way of acting. Very subtly he managed to have A. sitting close to him, not because A. was liking this so much but because he managed to pull her towards him all the time. The same for the so called chasing games that gave him the opportunity to touch her inappropriately.

We are very aware of the fact that A. might have giving encouraging signals that unfortunately were generated out of fear. It is amazing to see how fear can lead to actions that seen from the outside seem to be perfectly normal or even giving the exact opposite signal. This, however, is not justifying the YM’s behavior. He has not been able to sense or understand he was dealing with a girl that was not ready to answer his sexual needs.

Having put this part back into a manageable perspective we prepare for a proper wrap up of the whole situation. With the help of the Desteni tools we will work things out so we understand the starting points and the consequential outflows of our actions and lack of action.

We will work out a practical way to deal with this new situation in which we decided that for the safety in our family the YM, at least for a while, might better not be our guest anymore. He will have to understand first what happened to him, what he accepted and allowed to happen and what the extent of the consequences of his behavior are. Until now, despite of intensive coaching, he has not really showed progress on his practical day to day behavior, he improved only technical related matters that nevertheless allowed him to produce some nice work.

Until we are ready working out our points we will reduce collaboration to the minimal necessary to finish ongoing projects. For the next month there are no big projects to work on so there should be plenty of time for hm to work on some points.

Beaten by the EGO

The last week I’ve been paying attention to my ego and I’ve had a couple of occasions where I’ve been clearly beaten by the ego. The freshest episode was this morning when A was showing pictures on my iPhone that trick the eye and reveal how our brain interprets specific patterns. At a certain point A showed me an photo and since I did not see the hidden image inside it she told me to look at the right side of the phone’s screen. Since I still did not see anything she pointed it out and to my perception she was aiming at the left side of the screen.

The result of this was a discussion in which I tried to explain why she should have said the left side and not the right side. Even after she, supported by S. showed me why she called it the right side by laying herself on the ground as if she was the phone asking me to tell her which was her right side I chocked in the tea I was drinking as a reaction to the whole. When A and S told me that I was acting out of my ego when trying to convince them to change their point of view I felt accused.

It is amazingly subtle and tricky not to let your ego speak in this kind of situations. In my attempt to explain my point of view I was doing it with an attitude of me knowing it better than they did. No way to repair it and I spoiled the possibility to explain the whole thing from the right perspective.  I see now how I should have been acting and what I should have done to understand A’s point of view and eventually explaining mine without a charge or an energy that is imposing to A the only way to see this.

While writing this there is a back chat going on that is still trying to seek revenge for this defeat (ego is strong and is constantly seeking for new ways to sneak in!) trying to find arguments that will make my (ego’s) point on the matter. Time to do some self forgiveness on the matter.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let my ego direct the situation leading to an attempt to impose my point of view.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore the other’s point of view on a specific matter.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow my ego to take over and cause me to choke in my tea because of a loss of control over my physical body.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have an ongoing back chat still seeking for revenge and getting my will in convincing A my point of view is the only right one.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I use a situation that triggers a “you’re not seeing this from the right perspective” as an occasion to let my ego boost up the situation instead of seeing it in the real perspective of the moment and dealing with it as is.

Early spring cleaning

Actually the title should be: “Staying home for school again”. While yesterday there was apparently no choice for A to go to school or not since we the whole family took the car to go to school and shopping, today A told us that she felt sick and was going to stay home. Not again was my reaction. She has been missing quite some days now missing a lot of lessons at school. The huge point here is that I see A is not feeling well because she has issues she is not addressing. This unwillingness to face herself has led to unwanted situations already a couple of times. So, for sure there is fear in me that this situation is going to repeat itself. In my mind I already saw worried teachers, us visiting the doctor with some vague but persistent complaints and ending up at some hospital for endless and useless tests only to find out A is healthy.

As you can imagine now, the fact A decides not to go to school triggers a lot of shit, and also this morning it was not different. I thought that by taking care of the High School she had to choose we tackled the latest motive to feel bad. I was even more surprised since A had finally decided to take care of her room which for some years now has been a classic example of a junk yard and garbage dump (in my perception of course). I saw this as a huge brake through for A and although she had done some attempts in the past to tidy her room, this time I guessed she was prepared a little better.

A’s room has been a hot issue for quite some time and caused several fights between A and myself in the typical father/daughter construct fashion. I never managed to understand how she was able to live in a mess like that clearly denying herself a comfortable own space in the house. After some time I decided to let it go and stopped fighting about her room. It was her thing, not mine. It is now clear to me that in the mess of A’s room I see a mirror of my own mess I still have to clean up and in A’s behavior in postponing any action I see myself doing exactly the same.

This morning we (S. and myself) took the time to quietly discuss the matter with A and we managed to address a couple of issues. By mid morning we went out for a walk with the plan to continue with tidying A’s room immediately after. S is helping A in this huge task of reorganizing a room that has been left to total disorder for a couple of months. A’s is visibly enjoying the cleaning and is behaving in a different way, more relaxed. As if a burden has fallen from her shoulders.

Within the family as a group this step of A is also stimulating myself to face my own pile of untouched issues I will have to face one day anyway. I am convinced I can tell her to clean up her mess, I have to do the same with myself.  Step by step I will take care of this. In order to be able to be productive without all kind of fears and mind driven issues constantly popping up and sabotaging myself I need to clean up my stuff too. So, in the next weeks I will start to do the same with my things in the garage waiting already for some time to be sorted out and stowed away.

The nice thing now is that in order to support herself A had decided to start blogging! Read her part of the story HERE.

don’t sleep & drive

A couple of days ago I read an article about a research that describes how sleep can be compared with being drunk when driving. I found this interesting since I have been working on this ‘sleep thing’ for a while and managed to stop this mind system quite effectively.

There has been a period I drove back and forth from home to Milan a couple of times a month (a five hours drive). Since I always drove at night I have been experiencing serious sleep attacks. I experimented several conditions and most of the times the way up (as we say it in Italy when you drive north) I was always very fit. The way down a little less fit because it was after one or more days of intensive work.

After a couple of times testing different situations I could establish there was no real connection to what I had done on the day of the drive and the strength of the sleep attacks. Instead I saw a connection with going in the mind and having to fight against sleep. The most recognizable pattern I found the way back home where I kind of relaxed after my work and started to ‘work out’ my experiences of the day in my mind. The more I got in the mind, the more I had to fight sleepiness which disappeared in thin air when I stopped to have dinner. Ok, by doing something here and now I can get rid of this sleep feeling. I started practicing with this experience and although not always very easy, I managed quite effectively to stop the mind just by ‘stepping back’ into the moment.

It is fascinating to see how especially long drives are a perfect moment for the mind to suck you out of the here and now and starting all kind of great mind games that eventually can even lead to (deadly) accidents since sleep is a common cause for many accidents on the roads especially at night. But why more at night? I guess that having little other to see than dark surroundings and a boring highway makes the ideal situation for the mind to take over. I’ve never had sleep problems while driving in harsh conditions or in heavy traffic.

Although I still have to fight sleep regularly when I drive home from work at night I can stop it effectively by stopping thinking about what I have done and what I should do and all the mind games around these thoughts. It is amazing how pleasant a drive can be by effectively being in the here and now with nothing in the mind (or almost, for short periods, mainly being aware of the fact you constantly start with new thoughts, so working on being constantly aware of the fact you are going back in the mind).

I am far of being effective in fighting my sleep but I am at least more aware of it and can help myself out of the mind while dong an activity that needs my full attention. The driving scenario is just one of the situations in which I experience sleep. It is funny to see how a research has been done in a driving context. I see there is a point connecting it to the danger of falling asleep behind the wheel and comparing it to alcohol and that we are able to check people on how much they have been drinking but we can not check how much sleep they have been experiencing in the moment they were driving since this sleep is gone when an police officer stops you to check you out.

I still have a lot of work to do in fighting against sleep while reading and writing late at night in moments I would rather go to bed and give in to the feeling of sleepiness that makes my eyelids close without warning.