Temporarily out of order

IMG_20170704_112140My right arm is in a sling and to be considered out of order. I will share here my experiences of living with a physical limitation. It will be for a while, but nobody knows for how long exactly.

While during the first couple of days I was living through the aftermath of the accident as a new experience, I am now entering a phase where the situation I am in starts looking less compelling. I know the best and most constructive way to move on is to slow myself down and focus on doing everything that is beneficial to the healing of my body.

So, I mainly focus on slowing myself down by living my moments breath by breath. I realise while doing simple things like peeling a banana or scooping a spoonful of yoghurt from a bowl, that until now I’ve been doing these movements on an automatic pilot, barely aware of what I was actually doing, just focusing on the goal, the result.

Although it might sound strange, I am glad to have this opportunity happening to me, as it kind of forces me to slow down and be more conscious of the things I do in my everyday life. I’ve said to myself that we should not take everything for granted, but never actually lived that statement. Now, on a small and personal scale, I am living this statement. When I struggle to put on my t-shirt and when finally done I find out I’ve put it on backwards, I take a breath, check how my physical is doing and start the process of taking  my t-shirt off and on again with focus and consideration for my limitations, pushing myself to be creative in finding the best way to do what I am doing.

I might have allowed myself to get frustrated and with that I might have compromised the whole situation for myself. But I could not imagine myself pushing through movements that would jeopardise the healing process, nor I could see myself waiting half dressed, as a victim of the situation, until someone came home to help me.

By taking a simple breath and allowing myself to slow down in that very moment I allowed myself to consider all aspects of the situation and define the best way to proceed without compromises. This approach that is simple and also quite challenging from a mind perspective, will contribute to me healing swiftly and will leave no room for possible regrets on actions that in a moment of frustration might have influenced my healing.

In general, being in a condition where some activities are just not possible to perform, the biggest challenge is not to be tempted to do them anyway. The temptations might seem very legitimate. I decided to bake pancakes for lunch the day after the accident. I managed but I was exhausted and did movements I should have avoided. The reason I decided to do it was driven by a feeling of guilt towards my partner who is the primary person to compensate for the tasks I am not able to perform. But the reason my partner was already very busy and tired should never be a reason for me to jeopardise my own situation. The best way to approach these situations is to discuss together the limitations and the possibilities and so agree on the priorities. This prevents unwanted consequences and frustrations that might escalate and lead to more unwanted situations.

My goal for the next days is to take it day by day, checking my healing process and do whatever I can to contribute to my healing. I am in the luxury position I can focus on myself and by doing so I make sure I will be available to do my tasks and contribute normally again soon.

Embarrassed

o-oops-sign-facebookAlthough it might be a coincidence, this morning I had an experience that could connect to the fact it is Blue Monday. As on every regular working day I went to catch a specific train, the 7:39 Intercity to Rotterdam. Due to work on the railway line less trains are running every hour and this Monday I could clearly see the consequences. The platform was crammed with people that usually distribute themselves over three different trains. I was kind of lucky I could still fit in the overcrowded train and had to stand in the pathway without having anywhere to hold myself except the ceiling.

While standing there I was wondering where an annoying beep was coming from. I was looking around and noticed more people were wondering what was producing the noise. As several other people I had my phone in my hand to report I had no seat in this train ride using the railway’s app. The beeping stopped but soon started again and slowly it came to me I could have been the source of the sound…

I started to feel uneasy while frantically looking for an app on my phone that is able to connect to a small device on my key ring. Exactly! The source of the beeping was a tiny Bluetooth device that I can use to track my keys. For some odd reason it had decided to beep as if it was prompted to do so by my phone. I managed to connect and make sure it stopped beeping. A few beeps later it kept quiet but I was still quite embarrassed. I decided to get out a stop earlier and walk 20 minutes to my destination to get over my embarrassment.

But why did I feel so embarrassed? Why heart was beating fast and I almost got lightheaded. Looking back I see it has been a situation where I allowed my mind to play a game with me boosted by the fact I was still recovering from being sick and not yet feeling completely fit. Not feeling well can be extra challenging when having to stay self aware and breath myself through a spinning series of thoughts in order to stop these and focus on the real actions to take in order to solve the problem.

Interesting to see that such a small situation as a device that beeps can lead to quite some stress in a situation where other factors play a role: A overcrowded train, standing uncomfortably without having good support, a stomach that was still not fully cooperating and this beeping device! I was surprised and kind of overwhelmed by the experience. It was a good example of how my mind was able to create an instant moment of anxiety expressed as embarrassment and cause a strong physical reaction. This made it even harder to properly react to the situation and take it just breath by breath, focusing on resolving the cause of the problem in the best way possible.

I’ve also learned that my first reaction in this and probably any other situation is to blame something outside of me, anything else but myself. And that was also part of the embarrassment. I found out that if there was someone to blame for the beeping sound… it was me! So, stop the blame altogether, I had to face my own blame, and that is not nice. And there was no need for blame of any kind. The next time I will try to be more aware of what is happening in that specific moment and first check myself to make sure I am not the cause.

No U-turn allowed

no-U-turnThis blog is analyzing the origins of specific points of which I am walking the consequences right now in my day to day life. A U-turn to go back in time to correct or change my decisions is no option, so I will have to investigate specific moments in my past to be able to understand and correct myself here and now. Only so I will be able to stop ever returning patterns.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago

– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house

– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job

– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes

– Sold our house for less money than expected

– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house

– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house

– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was

– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company

Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)

– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago
– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house
– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job
– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes
– Sold our house for less money than expected
– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house
– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house
– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was
– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company
– Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)
– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Me jealous? Nooooo!

When I moved to the Netherlands I lived in the city of The Hague. Besides being the political capital of the country, or maybe just because it is the political capital a lot of wealth is concentrated in and around the city. This is mainly expressed in the type of cars you see on the streets and the houses in the residential area’s. Besides the popular city quarters mainly concentrated on one side of the city you see a clear trend. Near to the city center you have buildings that are centuries old and many of these houses are offices and embassies.

A selected group of people live in these houses and in the first three months of my stay in the Netherlands I was living in one of these huge houses. The amount of living space I shared with my brother in law and his wife was to my opinion quite out of proportion, almost to the point it made me feel uneasy living in that house. On a few occasions I had walks in the neighborhoods and every time I crossed residential area’s with series of villa’s scattered in the woods at the edge of town I wondered who was living in these houses and how it was possible that people could afford to live in such places.

This wondering is an old thing that pops up when I see wealth, or even better, I see people living in a ‘better’ situation than my own. And here is the tricky part. In the past I always told people I was not jealous of anyone. My reactions to other people’s wealth, however, tell the opposite. When I start wondering how it comes that people can afford something, an expensive car, a huge house, I am actually comparing my own situation to someone else’s. This comparison triggers a competition where I see myself as a looser and eventually I start feeding the idea I need to achieve the same level of wealth in order to win this competition.

The question is if it makes sense to compete in this way. My trigger point is jealousy, a feeling of being less than others and a need to compensate this feeling of inferiority. If I accept this competition I most probably will get more and more frustrated since I will have hard times if not experiencing the impossibility to achieve that idealistic goal. And, in the event I might succeed, will I be happy and satisfied? Most probably not. I will compare myself in my situation again to others and see other reasons to go on competing and fighting to achieve a goal that never can be achieved.

Why is this competition like a dead end lane? Because it is a polarity mechanism. You win or you loose. There is no stable situation. Once you win you go on trying to achieve new goals and over and over again you might win or loose. If I look at this mechanism in self honesty I see that it is a waste of time and energy, it is distracting me from the real things of life. It is only taking care of what I want or think I need to have in life without taking into consideration what is around me, people, animals, environment, everything.

Today I had again the same experience while biking along hundreds of huge villa’s with huge gardens and huge cars parked in front. I wondered again how it could be possible that there is people that can afford to live in these houses. I felt even a little satisfaction when a couple of these houses (not the largest ones of course) were for sale. With this fresh experience I decided that it is time to end this jealousy.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to become jealous when I see properties of other people I judge to be too big for them only because I am not in their same situation. I also forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel satisfaction/relief when I see people in a situation worse than mine.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to compare myself to other for the sole purpose to trigger the need for competition that is based on the feeling of unfairness: “Why do ‘they’ have something I don’t”.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to see big houses and villa’s as a representation of other people’s wealth instead of seeing it for what they are, big houses and villa’s.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to be tricked into this feeling of jealousy and unfairness again and again and that I have not taken my self-responsibility to stop this allowing it to distract me and preventing me of being there in the moment, breathing instead of being in the mind, preoccupied with being jealous.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to see myself as less then others just because I see ‘others’ as different than me, superior to me, instead of seeing that we are all equal and there is not such a thing as being more or less than others.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to get distracted by unreal preoccupations instead of focussing myself to take care of things in life that really matter, focussing on actions that are in the best interest of all and therefore also in the best interest of myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of becoming jealous of someone else’s property/wealth I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as living in my mind and escaping reality and myself  and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

Wireless troubles

Every time I receive a mail from my landlady I think: “What will it be about this time?”. I started to investigate why I had this reaction. First the reaction itself. I kind of want to hide from something I have to deal with but I am not willing to deal with. Where is this feeling of not wanting originated? By memories of course. Although the messages sent by my landlady make sense they trigger plenty of back chat like: Why didn’t she tell me before” or ” Why is she making things so complicated”. The memories are not connected to these mails but mail in general that potentially can contain messages that I would rather not face.

Next step is to see why I have these back chats and why I see the points she communicates as threatening. The answer was quickly found. It all has to do with my not wanting to be in this situation, living in someone else’s house where I feel limited In my movements due to all kind of rules I tend to rebel against because of the by my mind suggested freedom limitation.

Instead of rebelling I should live the points and discuss those that are unpractical from a commonsensical point of view. In other words, no big deal, just a matter of communication and agreement about practical points within sharing a house.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to see mails/messages as a threat instead of breathing and take and work through the presented matters step by step.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to have backchat about situations that do not exist in reality but are creations of my mind busy working out scenario’s that are in no way connected to real life.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to resist the living situation I am in right now instead of being here, now and act within the given context in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let memories of other situations that have no appear ant connection to the actual situation let influence me in my actions.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let situations in the actual life be a trigger for feelings based on memories of past experiences.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to use scenario’s created by my mind in order to feed my feeling of self pity of being in the situation I am in right now.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to influence my physical well being by seeking energy in mind creations instead of focussing on practically use my energy living here and now, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to realize that only the ego on the mind is seeking revenge and conflicts in order to strengthen itself, to generate and build itself as myself.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to use anything I encounter in my landlady’s house as a potential trigger to develop back chat and doom scenario’s.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to have concluded my landlady gave me a wrong password for the WiFi network just because I believed that it is predefined the unstable WiFi connection will frustrate me until I leave this home.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel less than another being while having to live within specific circumstances that I see as limiting my expression as myself.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel limited in my day to day actions only because my mind suggests that there are limitations that are in fact not real or if they are they can not be discussed in common sense.

When I see that I am tempted to back chat – I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is just my mind that is seeking to create thoughts and idea’s that will feed feelings like inferiority and unhappiness and that I direct myself out of that experience by standing up within myself with the realization that acting according to inferiority and unhappiness is not what is best for me. I see with clarity what inferiority and unhappiness have led to within this world and reality and thus I realize that I am equally responsible for the outflow/outcome of people acting according to inferiority and unhappiness. I do not accept or allow myself to continue taking part and feeding this system of abuse but instead I see and realize that stopping inferiority and unhappiness is what is best for all – I stand up for life, I stop acting according to my inferiority and unhappiness.

 

 

Back chat about strangers

Today, while travelling home, I sat on a bench in the subway and just before I sat down I figured out that the two seats were squeezed into a relatively narrow space. Not much later a person sat next to me and started playing with his mobile phone. Not considering the space was too tight for the two of us I moved forward just avoiding to be squeezed between the man and the window.

I never appreciated to touch someone while travelling, especially when this person is an unknown person. Today I saw what I was experiencing and started looking at this event asking myself why I am reacting this way when having to have physical contact with another being. Immediately I saw backchat suggesting the man was not aware or did not care about me sitting there in that narrow space, he just took his space not considering mine. Mmmm, this smells like a feeling of inferiority. Useless, both the backchat and the feeling. I did SF on both.

Not much later the man left and a young person took his place. Now the situation was the opposite. I could remain seated upright and the person next to me leaned a bit forwards. “Is he now feeling less then me because of my age?”, was the question that popped into my mind. This could only be the case if I was considering myself more than him and that was not the case. Looking at the situation as it was, without any thought, backchat or feeling/emotion I was left with the fact that two persons shared a narrow space taking into consideration the presence of the other person.

A little earlier I walked in a shopping mall searching for a specific shop where I wanted to buy something. I almost bumped into a lady and when I looked down to see where to put my feet I was surprised by my own reaction when I saw the huge butt of this lady. “Gee. that is HUGE!” “So what” I thought a second later and again caught myself having back chat about someone else. It is shocking and also quite funny when you see the massive amount of back chat you are producing during the day. And it is also great if you can see in the moment that you are having this backchat and correct it accordingly. It definitely leads to a more here and now way of living without having to suffer (or ‘enjoy’ as a polarity to suffering) from situations your mind is creating for you based on tiny facts of your daily life.

Thinking back I already started this morning by making a joke based on an image a colleague was picturing while talking about the sport scar of another colleague he will buy as soon as he has enough money to afford it. We were picturing him and a well proportioned lady next to him and I couldn’t help myself by emphasizing the image by suggesting that due to the size of the lady it would be recommendable to de-activate the passengers seat airbag. This resulted into a laughter of the two colleagues that lasted several minutes. Later I realized that also making jokes about non existing pictures of persons is a kind of back chat. The fact the colleagues had to laugh was because of the ‘naughtiness’ in their minds suggested by the image created by my comment. Absolutely interesting to see events of a day in this perspective.

If you are interested in un-cluttering your thoughts and back chats, join us at Desteni.

Fear of losing my job

It is a crazy thought but I realized already a couple of occasions that I feared to loose the job I just started with! There are very subtile triggers that I can pinpoint as a couse of the thoughts leading eventually to this fear.

The first occasion I can remember is a discussion about my brand new job with my brother in law. He said that having a job is really nice but with a contract for 6 months the security is limited. He advised me to continue working on my network of business relations just in case. Although this is very common sense and I already came to the same conclusion myself it planted  a seed of fear in myself. My mind started to work out all kind of scenario’s that eventually could lead to loosing my job after these six months. Within the same context Other people gave me all kind of advices like having to make myself absolutely indispensable by planning ahead of these six months. I always did the opposite since I never believed in the effectiveness of people being indispensable for a company/organisation. In order to achieve this you need to keep things for yourself compromising effective communication and collaboration thus productivity of a team within a company.

Nevertheless the fears come in and I had a hell of a job dealing with these fears by doing SF on them each time they popped up in my mind. These fears were all fed by a much bigger underlaying fear, the fear of not being able to earn (enough) money for myself and my family. The fact that having a job should be enough to get rid of this fear you would say. But as long as the trigger or source of the specific fear is not taken away, the fear will come back, even if conditions are changed and there is apparently no reason anymore for that fear to exist.

Besides the fact fears are influencing one’s life and one’s decisions dramatically we tend to push away the fears we have. Not so long ago I was convinced not to have that many fears in my life until I started to dig into the pool of my memories and experiences to discover I had been a master in stowing away many fears. I also tried to get rid of fears by changing the situation and taking away the condition of the fear to exist. No success! The mind always manages to create new conditions for the fear to exist. The only effective way to get rid of my fears is to face them, work on the underlaying triggers and stop all related thoughts and patterns using the tools of Desteni.