Depression

Yesterday, while drinking a cup of tea, my mother in law told me a story of a friend of hers who has a daughter diagnosed with a serious form of depression. The woman is apparently very pretty looking and, while in her early thirties, is already in her third relationship. As a teenager she already showed symptoms of depression and among other therapies she was sent as au pair to Switzerland where she had a great time.

Typical of her behavior while being depressed were periods of intense fear wherein she always claimed her mother to come over to help her, resulting in the fact the mother had to travel for a couple of hours to co go her daughter’s house to find a scared daughter not willing to do anything. She also showed periods with a complete opposite behavior where she was very active, almost over active and almost uncontrollable, capable of doing very weird things.

At a certain point she had a relationship with an older man who already had children. He cared very much about her and helped her going to doctors and psychiatrists which resulted in nothing else than prescribing medication to suppress the symptoms of her behavior. This relation did not last for obvious reasons and because the two sons of this man where difficult to manage and because the woman wanted her own child.

Not long after she was into another relation, this time with a man from india who was aiming at having a child and only three months after they met she was already pregnant. Because of the woman’s behavior and the man’s attitude the relationship already became difficult during pregnancy and after the child was born the man started claiming the child and is doing whatever he can to have the woman locked away in a mental institute. Not being able to cope with the situation the man is known to have beaten the woman regularly.

While all this was going on the woman had her regular periods of fear wherein she always claimed her mother to help her and to take care of her child. Since she was living at some distance from her parents they decided to look for a home in the same town, making it easier to help her when necessary. At the moment she is in her third relationship with a nice man who obviously fell for her very good look.

While my mother in law was telling this story I talked about the fact that the woman’s behavior was quite abusive for the people around her and my mother in law had to agree on that point. She told me that after all these years both the woman and her parents accepted the idea there was nothing they could do about this situation and that it will remain this way for ever.

It is interesting to see that if there is no cure for a specific illness, and more specifically a mental illness, people tend to accept the situation and try to control it with medication. If our medical system is not able to provide a cure we simply accept there is no cure. Doing so we accept being abused by people who are stuck in the mind and are not even willing to change that situation because they are addicted to their behavior wherein they tend to claim and control the persons they live with and their family.

With proper coaching and assistance to work on self responsibility within life situation like these could be improved and even avoided. While now the whole situation is fed by fears and reluctance to changes on one side and accepting abuse just because you are dealing with your daughter or partner the whole situation could be changed if everybody started to look at themselves in self honesty and really started to take each their own responsibilities. This process is made easier using the tools and information found at Desteni. For who is specifically interested in the subject follow this link to a series of video’ son Youtube.

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Deception: it’s all in the mind

This morning I went to the hospital with my daughter A. We had an appointment that was made quite a while ago (due to summer holidays we had to wait a couple of weeks) to have two warts removed on A’s hand and foot. That was at least what we thought was going to happen…

Before we could leave I had to find the medical papers to bring with us. I had to search my whole office to find out I had filed it away in my cabinet in a very organized way. Since I normally tend to leave this kind of paperwork on my desk until it is needed the next time I had a hard time just because I forgot I filed the papers properly this time. Yes, there is a connection to my mess and my daughter’s :-).

We arrived at the hospital and the first thing we had to do was paying the ‘ticket’, the contribution to the medical costs you have to pay here in Italy for all medical operations. For this visit to the dermatologist we had to pay € 26,50. We went to the waiting room and after just a few minutes we were asked in.

The doctor, a woman with a foreign accent, probably from some eastern european country, had a look at A’s hand and foot and quickly concluded that the best treatment was medication, specifically calling it “the kids method”. She said that burning the wart away was not a good option since you had to come back several times to have the wound checked afterwards. Then rapidly she started to explain how the treatment had to be done.

The first thing we had to do is go to the pharmacy to purchase special silk bandaid tape. This had to be wrapped around the foot or hand leaving a small opening on the spot of the wart. Then we had to purchase disks with acid that need to be put on this small opening so the acid slowly can reach the wart and ‘eat’ it away. She specifically told us we should not read the leaflet of the acid disks medicine since it instructs to take the disk off at night. Instead you should leave it on 24/7 for at least 10 to 14 days.

To reassure A she said that you can do everything with the bandaid wrappings, swim, run go to the beach, etc. And she went on clearly trying to remember everything that is connected to warts and the cause of warts. Since a common cause of warts is a immune system deficiency she advised to take a medicine called Immunoactive for 60 days, calling it the ‘Ferrari’ option. Another option was the cheaper ‘Fiat’ medicine Macrocea®. The costs would be € 84,– for option 1 and  € 65,20 for option 2.

Wait a moment! How can this doctor know A needs this treatment since it is based on one of the common causes of warts? Or is it just a general precaution in case this might be the cause. If you read forums about warts and warts treatment you will come quickly to the conclusion there is no effective treatment at all. Even burning them away is not a guarantee the wart is not coming back. I see it makes sense to look at the cases and funny enough the doctor at the end concluded that stress was one of the main causes of warts since it lowers your immune system considerably.

Since A has been under quite some stress this winter and spring and before that she also had other periods that were quite stressful this last diagnose makes sense and deletes the need of the just prescribed medicines. Nevertheless the doctor did a good job in showing us how the actual medical care works. There is a pathology, the doctor establishes what it is and then produces the list of possible treatments and medications he or she learned to produce during their study or professional trainings. For me it is hard not to see a big influence from Big Pharma here.

A was not pleased at all by this since she expected a quick fix of her wart problem. She was big time deceived by the outcome of this doctor’s visit since it did not meet her expectation. For her again a confrontation with reality she will have to deal with. For us as a family again a situation where we have to use our common sense and find the best way to help A to get rid of the physical problem and also the real cause of her warts. Again a reality check for us as a family system where we need to support each other to walk through our processes so we can properly deal with this kind of situations.

The situation now is that A is back into a state of depression of which she only comes out when there is a situation of distraction (=deception). Real life issues like the warts will bring her and us as a family back to the real situation. It learned us again that we can not count on medical care being efficient and also shows us that whatever happens the actual money system requires more money to keep up the deception.

What we need is an equal money system that is founded on equality for all with in this context a medical care system that has a starting point of helping people to overcome their medical problems in an effective and practical way with no limitations due to lack of money or profit driven diagnosis by doctors that have a degree in selling Big Pharma products.

Sleeping naked

Since the weather right now is very hot I thought it might be a nice subject to rite about. Also because you can connect so many things to it: thoughts, opinions, mindfucks… So, let’s have a look at this point.

I can’t really remember since when I sleep naked, but I do it already for ages. The main reason is simple, I do not like to get strangled bij clothing like pyjama’s, not even underwear and a t-shirt. Since I do not have an issue in feeling naked in-between my sheets, everything is fine on that matter. I wonder now that I am writing this if there is a sense of freedom that plays a role here. I’ve tried to wear something in bed, I only manage if in winter temperature si so low I feel cold.

Sexy naked man in bed? I should ask Sylvia what she thinks about it. I remember that the first nights with her I kept my underwear but that was not for long. For sex it is very practical of course! I am always ready 🙂 (not referring to having a constant erection, just to make sure).

Practical versus unpractical. Let’s start with the unpractical. When you have to get out of bed in an emergency situation you are naked… I must admit that I always have my clothes ready to grab, jut in case. Don’t mind that I might have put them on in a case of emergency. Other unpractical thing has to do with what man have once in a while, wet dreams or just an ejaculation, get’s messy between your sheets. In my  case pretty rare and not sure if it would have been less while wearing something since being naked is not causing sexual arousal to me.

Another important point is that nobody here in the house will be shocked when they see me naked, I guess this is an essential condition to feel at ease enough to do it. Since it is not a point for me to be naked I guessed if I might be a nudist. I dropped this quickly since it is an attempt to put my behavior in a defined definition. My starting point is simple, whenever clothes are uncomfortable to my body and the practical solution is to wear less clothes or none at all (the last one is practically only in bed), I will do it. As long I consider the situation I am in and take care of the impact on others this should be fine.

A little research on the internet shows a lot of benefits given to sleeping naked. I actually started searching to understand why people stick to wearing something in bed if it is not related to being cold. Some might thing it is more hygienic to wear underwear in bed, but many articles actually point out it is the opposite. more ventilation for skin and genitals is healthier than covering it 365/24/7 and let is stay sweaty and sticky. In general it seems that sleeping naked is allowing your body to relax more and to allow you to have a deeper sleep.

My motivation to write on this subject? To see if I could write about this subject with no shame, no feelings, no emotions, just the facts. I managed and it is a great experience to talk about topics with no embarrassment, just seeing the topic itself in a specific contest. Self honesty is important here since you need to face all your motivations to do something. Mine is to have everybody sleeping naked starting tonight 🙂 and not willing to know if you do so or not, since that is your own business…

Manipulation

Today I was dealing with a customer I have had many talks with. The first talks go back to January, the month I started to work for this company. In all these months I learned to know the man better and better and I could see how he was manipulating me and my colleagues to get everything he needed for his business. He is apparently successful in doing so since his business is doing well. Happy with the services we deliver he purchased even more services but always asking for the lowest price and the best support.

I do not know if he did it on purpose or not but he managed to have a year subscription for free without paying for it. When at last we found out I confronted him with fact. The only thing he could do as a reply was repeating the last agreement we made for the additional services that are not including the service he got for free.

I wrote again a mail explaining him he was using our services and that he should pay for it accordingly. I gave him the whole picture and stressed he had over 30% discount on our services. His reply? A copy of the last agreement.

It is a real challenge not to develop backchat at this point or all kind of scenario’s on why this man is acting this way. I’ve experienced that he is successfully manipulative in his approach with others and is using these skills to raise a smoke curtain and push his thing through. Now, I asked him to read again my mail and to reply to what I said. He must know that something is going to happen and that he will have to move now. The game is over, from my point of view at least.

My thing is to leave the matter for what it is now until he replies or contacts me. Then I will make my point and I will be prepared not to be manipulated but acting here and now in honesty with myself.

Backchat, thought or just common sense? “If he is not willing to understand and to pay for the services he is using and making a lot of money with, we will simply stop the services until a payment is done.”

Making the right choice

Tonight I finally managed to put our 4×4 car online for sale. Yesterday and today we cleaned it thoroughly and around noon we made a series of photographs. Only an hour after I put the announcement online I had growing doubts. Are we really doing the best thing in common sense? Let’s analyse the whole process that lead to this action:

  1. Ownership of two cars is rather expensive so we decided to replace the oldest car by one or two small motocycles.
  2. An old car uses a lot of fuel and has an expensive maintenance and insurance.
  3. At school A. had the opportunity to have lessons and do a theory exam for a special drivers licence (‘patentino’ that allows youngsters from the age of 14 to drive a small size motor vehicle).
  4. A. will have the possibility to travel without having to bother us.
  5. If one of us uses the only remaining car the other(s) will have the motorbike to move around.
  6. We will have to pay less insurance and less fuel.
It is amazing to see that all these points are money driven. And that they are potentially leading to spend even more or at least not making decisions based on common sense. Let’s analyse deeper the point I mentioned:
  1. If I manage to register the 4×4 car as an old timer I can save up to € 500,–/year on insurance and taxes.
  2. Maintenance is a risky point for an old car.
  3. We save money by having A. doing this with school compared to doing it at a private car driving school. It still costs quite some money and until now nobody was able to tell us what we were going to spend for the whole thing.
  4. A. has to travel 40 lm to go to school, too far to do with a motorcycle at her age for now. Other destinations she might want to reach are in colse and can easily be reached by bike.
  5. In winter and other bad weather conditions it is useless to travel with the motorbike especially in the case we need to pick up J. from his school in a nearby town.
  6. I was shocked when I found out that the insurance of a motorbike is very expensive. The less expensive one is more or less the same price as the car insurance with old timer discount. If we want to have two motorcycles this will just double the price and there will be no benefit anymore.
Having summend this up, It seems there is no commons sense in selling the car and replace it for a motorcycle but for the fuel consumption. A motorcycle uses roughly 2,5 times less fuel compared to the car. The price per liter is high since it needs lubricant added. In a year that is a difference of about € 200,– more for the car. In other words, to travel 2000 km a year with one motorcycle will cost about € 1200,–, to do the same with our 4×4 dong nothing the same! If we register the car as an oldtimer we will spend only € 600,–.
The only thing that remains is the maintenance costs that can cause nasty surprises with an old car. Replacing the car for another, smaller car is not interesting, you might only save some money by buying a cheaper car but it will be without the old timer benefits. In common sense it seems we have to stick to the car at least for now.
Selling it without getting something in return is not an option since public transportation is almost inexistant. As long as I have to travel regularly for my work there is a practical need for a second car for the remaining members of the family in the situation we live in now.

Crashed again

It seems as if it we like to have crashing computers in our house. Some time ago we had the computer of S. that started to give problems and in the meantime I had two crashes, a real one and one that was the consequence of the other.

This should be absolutely embarrassing for a Mac user like me. It probably would have been, many years ago, when I was always very fond of being a Apple Macintosh addict. And it is true, I actually never had any problem unless it was caused by myself due to playing around and trying new things. I see clearly this rule still applies since it was again me having installed two operating systems on my computer (Mac OS X and Ubuntu). For some reason Ubuntu one day failed to exit from a  sleep situation due to a severe damage to the file system (still no idea how that could have happened).

Until there no big issues, all the files I use are in my Gmail accounts and in a ‘cloud’, accessible from anywhere. I had to sort out the fact half my HD remained unused, so I decided on Friday night to do something about it. In an attempt to restore the partition I caused the problem to affect the whole HD. I was left with a computer that would not start anymore.

No panic or cold sweat this time although I was not prepared for a fail this big risking to loose some data on the Mac side I did not back up yet. Apparently I panicked since I was convinced the computer failed even to start from CD. Later I found out I just used the wrong key combination to force the mac to start from CD.

To restore the situation I had to rescue the data on my HD and to do so I had to install an operating system from a bootable external HD. It took many hours to save the data and many more to restore some of it. 24 hours later I am back in business, no dual boot until I find out what caused the problem.

In the research of the cause I will have a close look at myself. I now see there is a pattern that is regularly causing me to get into troubles. Very often it is related to the installation of new software or worse, new or different operating systems. I decided to more over to Ubuntu when I started to work for a company where Linux is the standard. Apart from one specific compatibility issue there was not a real need for me to switch, but I liked the idea, I was tricked by my ‘curiosity’ and wanted to discover something that might have been ‘better’, ‘fater’, ‘cooler’. I had the same kind of experience when I moved from Windows to Mac. I clearly did not learn much from that experience. For years I lived with the idea I was using a superior OS and I felt more and better than all these poor souls that had to suffer with their buggy windos OS.

Now I am living the manifestation of this having to go through my own crashes until I see that my starting point was not a honest one and not based on equality for all. Although it is a complex matter when we look at software, the way it is made, commercialized, intentionally left buggy, etc. on one end and not fully stable, not properly tested and alway under development on the other, at the end the differences are very subtile. What remains are the consequences of actions I perform on my computer that are triggered by motivators that are not sustainable in the context of honesty towards myself and lack simple common sense.

I now again lost a whole day fixing things, time I should have dedicated to other matters like my DIP course.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to be tempted by curiosity and the wish to get the newest version or release instead of making sure my PC remained a stable work tool.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to cause myself losing time instead of focussing on matters that really need to be adressed first.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to panic and not think clear and in common sense when confronted with a situation of possible data loss instead of seeing the real situation and use all I know to properly address the issues.

Paralyzed by fear and by possession

I feel fucked, fucked-up, betrayed, nervous, possessed. What is going on? A lot of things that are at the end all related to each other…

The fact: A couple of nights ago I decided to monitor the activities of my daughter and the YM (young man) who’s sleeping over regularly for practical reasons related to work. My decision was triggered by a sum up of the many signals mainly given by my daughter during the day. What I found out was confirming my darkest suspicions and as a father I can tell you it has a blowing impact. While hearing sounds of intensive kissing (and who knows what other activities that produce the same sounds) I felt paralyzed. I knew I had to go into the room next door to stop that what was going on. I could have woken my partner, but I did not. I only managed to listen while my heart was racing. I did it for hours apparently, because when finally my daughter left the room to go to sleep it was 4:30 in the morning.

It took me hours to calm down and with no effective sleep I got up in early morning to do my things and to have some distraction. Only much later I managed to concentrate on my work, but I could not go around the consequences of what I lived that night.

Looking back I see that I had been fighting with many thoughts. I asked myself if I could make it to interrupt what was going on. I heard A. giggling and that somehow reassured me that she was OK and apparently having fun. No need to brutally interfere there and to create a negative situation of something that might have been positive. This actually was a justification for not coming into action since I was not able to move.

While having breakfast with my partner S. we actually started together talking about the same thing. I told S. what I experienced and heard that night while shaking wildly with my arms. It was again clear to me that the whole thing had a huge impact on me and S.

In the previous days I started paying more and more attention to my daughter’s and the YM’s behavior . Every time I entered A’s room she was clicking something away on her laptop. I decided to check this out and was able to trace google search terms that were used within our home network environment. Besides searches like “the 10 strangest things you can do with a condom” the one that triggered my alarms was “how does it feel to have your pussy licked” in Dutch. Teenage curiosity or preparing for some action for the next time our young man was in the house?

I am not against experimenting on sex but with all necessary precautions. A girl aged 14 and a man aged 20 is not a very happy combination. I saw my daughter being pulled into a situation that was far beyond her real way of life which is to me still very childish. Also I never experienced A. trying to be attractive sexually with attitude or clothing.

Many questions however remained unanswered. Since we are not sure to what level the two manage to stay responsible for their actions or be aware of the consequences we do not know. When S. checked the sheet that was on the sleeping couch she found two big stains. Here again we wanted to know for sure there had not been a situation in which A. risked to get pregnant.

At the end we had the full story from A. One thing emerges very clearly, she was afraid of the YM already for some time. His behavior grew slowly to a more obsessive way of acting. Very subtly he managed to have A. sitting close to him, not because A. was liking this so much but because he managed to pull her towards him all the time. The same for the so called chasing games that gave him the opportunity to touch her inappropriately.

We are very aware of the fact that A. might have giving encouraging signals that unfortunately were generated out of fear. It is amazing to see how fear can lead to actions that seen from the outside seem to be perfectly normal or even giving the exact opposite signal. This, however, is not justifying the YM’s behavior. He has not been able to sense or understand he was dealing with a girl that was not ready to answer his sexual needs.

Having put this part back into a manageable perspective we prepare for a proper wrap up of the whole situation. With the help of the Desteni tools we will work things out so we understand the starting points and the consequential outflows of our actions and lack of action.

We will work out a practical way to deal with this new situation in which we decided that for the safety in our family the YM, at least for a while, might better not be our guest anymore. He will have to understand first what happened to him, what he accepted and allowed to happen and what the extent of the consequences of his behavior are. Until now, despite of intensive coaching, he has not really showed progress on his practical day to day behavior, he improved only technical related matters that nevertheless allowed him to produce some nice work.

Until we are ready working out our points we will reduce collaboration to the minimal necessary to finish ongoing projects. For the next month there are no big projects to work on so there should be plenty of time for hm to work on some points.