Embarrassed

o-oops-sign-facebookAlthough it might be a coincidence, this morning I had an experience that could connect to the fact it is Blue Monday. As on every regular working day I went to catch a specific train, the 7:39 Intercity to Rotterdam. Due to work on the railway line less trains are running every hour and this Monday I could clearly see the consequences. The platform was crammed with people that usually distribute themselves over three different trains. I was kind of lucky I could still fit in the overcrowded train and had to stand in the pathway without having anywhere to hold myself except the ceiling.

While standing there I was wondering where an annoying beep was coming from. I was looking around and noticed more people were wondering what was producing the noise. As several other people I had my phone in my hand to report I had no seat in this train ride using the railway’s app. The beeping stopped but soon started again and slowly it came to me I could have been the source of the sound…

I started to feel uneasy while frantically looking for an app on my phone that is able to connect to a small device on my key ring. Exactly! The source of the beeping was a tiny Bluetooth device that I can use to track my keys. For some odd reason it had decided to beep as if it was prompted to do so by my phone. I managed to connect and make sure it stopped beeping. A few beeps later it kept quiet but I was still quite embarrassed. I decided to get out a stop earlier and walk 20 minutes to my destination to get over my embarrassment.

But why did I feel so embarrassed? Why heart was beating fast and I almost got lightheaded. Looking back I see it has been a situation where I allowed my mind to play a game with me boosted by the fact I was still recovering from being sick and not yet feeling completely fit. Not feeling well can be extra challenging when having to stay self aware and breath myself through a spinning series of thoughts in order to stop these and focus on the real actions to take in order to solve the problem.

Interesting to see that such a small situation as a device that beeps can lead to quite some stress in a situation where other factors play a role: A overcrowded train, standing uncomfortably without having good support, a stomach that was still not fully cooperating and this beeping device! I was surprised and kind of overwhelmed by the experience. It was a good example of how my mind was able to create an instant moment of anxiety expressed as embarrassment and cause a strong physical reaction. This made it even harder to properly react to the situation and take it just breath by breath, focusing on resolving the cause of the problem in the best way possible.

I’ve also learned that my first reaction in this and probably any other situation is to blame something outside of me, anything else but myself. And that was also part of the embarrassment. I found out that if there was someone to blame for the beeping sound… it was me! So, stop the blame altogether, I had to face my own blame, and that is not nice. And there was no need for blame of any kind. The next time I will try to be more aware of what is happening in that specific moment and first check myself to make sure I am not the cause.

Motivated by survival

During my working day I decided that tonight I will do some work that I want to be finished by tomorrow. It is one of those days where a lot of unforeseen (unwanted?) things happened and caused my planning not to fit anymore into the available hours. Making this decision I was surprised by the fact it was so easy to make and to assume that I will indeed do it. If i them compare my behavior when it is blog writing or working on my DIP assignments I see a big difference. I am much less motivated.

Let’s have a look at my motivation. What is really motivating me? The fact I want to have things done within the timeframe I agreed on with others? Or does it go deeper? What is it that keeps me running faster for my boss than for myself? Yes, that is it! Writing my blogs and doing my DIP assignments is all stuff I do for mySelf. Making long days in the office and even continuing the work at home is… Fear, Enslavement! Fear to be seen as less competent by my superiors/boss, enslavement by the money system that tells me to work more and more so I can save holidays for extra days off or to be paid as extra salary.

So, enslavement/money/fear are more important than Self. That is not a good balance. But how to find this balance? How to establish the energy/time to dedicate to work and to Self development?

Self-honesty!

Within Self-honesty it is not possible to decide that work is more important than working on my self development. It is equally important. The first to properly function in the system/matrix with no need to exaggerate, the second to become more stable and aware of Life so I can stand as one as breath to the benefit of all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my job to be more important than my self development through blogging and doing my DIP assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my self development through blogging and dong my DIP assignment as less important than my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of survival to decide what is the best to be done instead of allowing myself in a specific moment to stop and breath and in that moment decide what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by false arguments drive by fear of survival and enslavement to money instead of get things done because what I do is simply in the best interest of all.

Sleeping naked

Since the weather right now is very hot I thought it might be a nice subject to rite about. Also because you can connect so many things to it: thoughts, opinions, mindfucks… So, let’s have a look at this point.

I can’t really remember since when I sleep naked, but I do it already for ages. The main reason is simple, I do not like to get strangled bij clothing like pyjama’s, not even underwear and a t-shirt. Since I do not have an issue in feeling naked in-between my sheets, everything is fine on that matter. I wonder now that I am writing this if there is a sense of freedom that plays a role here. I’ve tried to wear something in bed, I only manage if in winter temperature si so low I feel cold.

Sexy naked man in bed? I should ask Sylvia what she thinks about it. I remember that the first nights with her I kept my underwear but that was not for long. For sex it is very practical of course! I am always ready 🙂 (not referring to having a constant erection, just to make sure).

Practical versus unpractical. Let’s start with the unpractical. When you have to get out of bed in an emergency situation you are naked… I must admit that I always have my clothes ready to grab, jut in case. Don’t mind that I might have put them on in a case of emergency. Other unpractical thing has to do with what man have once in a while, wet dreams or just an ejaculation, get’s messy between your sheets. In my  case pretty rare and not sure if it would have been less while wearing something since being naked is not causing sexual arousal to me.

Another important point is that nobody here in the house will be shocked when they see me naked, I guess this is an essential condition to feel at ease enough to do it. Since it is not a point for me to be naked I guessed if I might be a nudist. I dropped this quickly since it is an attempt to put my behavior in a defined definition. My starting point is simple, whenever clothes are uncomfortable to my body and the practical solution is to wear less clothes or none at all (the last one is practically only in bed), I will do it. As long I consider the situation I am in and take care of the impact on others this should be fine.

A little research on the internet shows a lot of benefits given to sleeping naked. I actually started searching to understand why people stick to wearing something in bed if it is not related to being cold. Some might thing it is more hygienic to wear underwear in bed, but many articles actually point out it is the opposite. more ventilation for skin and genitals is healthier than covering it 365/24/7 and let is stay sweaty and sticky. In general it seems that sleeping naked is allowing your body to relax more and to allow you to have a deeper sleep.

My motivation to write on this subject? To see if I could write about this subject with no shame, no feelings, no emotions, just the facts. I managed and it is a great experience to talk about topics with no embarrassment, just seeing the topic itself in a specific contest. Self honesty is important here since you need to face all your motivations to do something. Mine is to have everybody sleeping naked starting tonight 🙂 and not willing to know if you do so or not, since that is your own business…