Tonight I experienced a perfect example of my ego seeking revenge after the realization of being fucked up by a specific situation. And worse of all, it is a pattern that is repeating itself. So, time to have a look at it and stop it.
Earlier tonight I went to to pick up my daughter A who spent the afternoon with some friends. When I arrived I found all the kids skating on in-line skates and having a lot of fun. Meanwhile A’s dinner was waiting at home. My idea of picking her up quickly started to be challenged by the situation. All kids were doing whatever they could to win time and enjoy their activities a little longer. I repeated several times that dinner was ready and that we had to go home. And doing so time passed and I started a conversation with the mother of the other kids while repeating we had to go home. Almost an hour later I was finally home with A.
A. had dinner while the rest of the family who already had dinner moved over to other activities. I cleaned the kitchen and asked A. to put her stuff in the dishwasher when ready just to make sure I didn’t have to come back later to finish cleaning up. When she asked if it would fit inside the dishwasher I said that I was not sure but that she had to give it a try.
When I came back in the kitchen a while later I saw A’s stuff out of the dishwasher. This triggered a point of frustration that fed by my ego lead to build quickly an image of being fucked by A. and since it was not the first time a situation like this caused me to feel powerless and consequently frustrated by the fact it is difficult to come to agreements with A in many situations I tried to make my point by asking A what I was supposed to do in order not to have this situation repeated.
Her answer caused my mind to have a kind of short circuit. She said I should not nag about this kind of situations because nagging will cause her to repeat the situation on purpose! There I was stuck. My ego was left with no possibility to make its point and clashed with A’s ego that simply stated that if I nagged about this kind of situations she just will repeat them. Seen from a distance this is a perfect start for a war. And the scary thing is that if you are in the moment while your ego is speaking you really feel your need to make your point sincerely. I felt trapped and kind of panicked because I was left with no logical solution within the limitations of my ego.
How to solve this? Self-Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego direct the conversation I had with A. Instead of being directed by the ego I can see that I abdicated my self-responsibility and got possessed with revenge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let frustration be my starting point for communicating with my daughter, instead of seeking for a solution to the problem in the best interest of all.