A Beagle?

beagle-dog-breed-dbe
Today I got a message from my daughter about Beagles looking for a home, dogs that have been used for animal testing and now live in an animal shelter. My reply was: “Is there something I need to read in-between the lines?”.

It is not the first time my daughter brings up the discussion about wanting to have a pet dog added to our household consisting of four humans, 2 cats and eventually a dog. Although I personally do not dislike the idea of a dog, I want my daughter and the rest of the family to consider all aspects of what it means to take care of a dog.

For now the most evident factor against having a dog is a financial aspect. Although, that is from my perspective. If we have to sustain the costs of a dog we will have to cut on other expenses. Next to that we have practical points to take care of like who is going to walk the dog several times a day, how will it work out with the cats, who is going to take care of the dog when we go on holidays, etc.

Funny is the battle that goes on in myself. On one side I like the idea of having a dog and if, on top of that, we can give this being a better life, why not do it. I must admit that the financial part scares me most. As we still have some challenges sometimes to get at the end of the month because every month it seems we have some extra’s to cover, I am not very keen in choosing for an action that will involve some initial costs and systematic extra monthly costs with a very slim but still extra chance that we might run in extra veterinary bills if we consider worst case scenario’s.

So, how to face this situation and keep everybody happy? Since it is a father’s duty to keep family members happy, isn’t it? I’ve already agreed my daughter will look at the real costs of having a dog. The fear or pressure she feels now is that the dogs are available now and nobody knows when a similar situation with the almost ideal dog race will repeat itself.

Important here is not to allow ourselves to be distracted by opinions, emotions and fears. We have to consider all points carefully and sum up all pros and cons to make a final decision at this moment in time. This will be a process all members of our family will have to walk for themselves.

For me the main point is the financial point that, seen purely from a practical aspect, will impact our immediate cash availability for this and maybe next month, and a little extra to consider on a monthly basis. To decide here is if we want and can postpone or change immediate expenses. The easiest way to save money is to spend less on food but that will force us to buy cheaper and unhealthier food.

All the other points are also relevant but a lot easier to consider although they might have a considerable impact, like walking the dog, feeding and cleaning. I also wonder how wise it is to add a dog to the family with two cats of a certain age? Will they go along or will there be constant stress for the cats?

We can do a lot of research on what other people have experienced in similar situations but nevertheless we will only know exactly by walking it. So, if it is really something we all want to give a try we will have to discuss the matter as a family and go through all the points to come to a self-honest decision that is based on what is best for all.

As part of the DIP course I will go through my personal points related to this matter and use self forgiveness to analyse and debunk the layers behind each of these points.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to fear any matter that potentially leads to unwanted and uncontrolled costs.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to consider expenses that are not initiated by basic needs or already established patterns as unwanted and as a threat to stability.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to swing between wanting to be able to say yes to any kind of expenses and holding tight to not spending an extra penny on anything more than absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to fear uncontrolled expenses just because I label it as uncontrolled where I can take action to make sure there is no thing as uncontrolled expenses and enough buffer to handle unforeseen costs.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel being a bad parent when I can not unconditionally approve the desire of my daughter just because it seems the best option to make her happy.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself the feeling that I need to make my daughter happy is more important than looking at the idea/proposal/wish in all its aspects and come to a joint decision we reached all together.

Fear of Money

Money-FearFor some time in the past months, I thought I could live in a quite tranquil way with not too many worries related to money. At least I thought! Apparently I stuffed away feelings and emotions related to money directly or indirectly. This became evident when I started to take action in order to get back the rental guarantee deposit of 1000 euro we already should have been paid back a couple of months ago. I sent several mails to the rental company without getting any answer. Bad sign. Especially when I started to do a research on internet to find that I was not the only one waiting to be paid (back) by this company. And if you can find similar cases on the internet you know you’ve just seen the tip of the iceberg.
By doing this by all means necessary research I was building up some specific energy trying to suppress many thoughts like “what if I do not manage to get back the guarantee sum?”. Extra emotions loading in this case since I have a similar situation with the landlady of the room I rented for a month until I hurriedly left the house since it became impossible for me to live there. The result was that I paid 500 euro guarantee deposit and a month rent plus a month paid upfront and until today I did not manage to get back the deposit. The landlady most probably left the country and rented the house to someone else. I am still asking myself if I should try to get my money back or that it is useless to put any effort in this. Every time our household is frustrated by lack of enough money to do what we should normally able to do I think of this point I have not been able to close properly. I still believe there should be a way to get my money back.
In all occasions, it has been enough to think about writing or calling the landlady or rental company or reading a reply from the latter to find myself with a heart beating like hell and become short breathed. Although I manage to get hold of myself quickly these situations repeat themselves every time. It became better when I decided to take a specific action. I wrote a mail CC-ing to all addresses I could find of the rental company explaining to them the consequences for us as a family for not getting back the money. This, to my surprise, led to an answer from their side asking for specific paperwork to prove everything was handled properly on payments for electricity and water and a couple of other things. When that was done I finally got a call from a bank stating I was going to be paid back in six terms since the company is in financial troubles. I agreed under protest.
Not seeing any payment after this call I contacted the bank and finally got the first payment but not the expected amount. I wrote an email to the rental company asking them to give proof they spent money on cleaning since that was the money they deducted from the caution. After a second mail with a clear explanation of the consequences for them to ask money for services not executed (with proof they could never have done the cleaning) I finally had the difference wired to my bank account. The cool thing here is that I managed to be stable while writing the second mail and therefore managed to produce something that was clearly understood. This should prove to me I am able to stand in specific situations also situations related to money. What I need to do is to get rid of the fears related to money.

Lets see what fear points I can recognize. I will start with the triggers.
* E-mail messages from people or institutions I am dealing with in relation to money

* Telephone calls from people or institutions related to money

* Letters from the tax authorities

* Checking my bank account (fear to find out there is even less money than expected)
How can I address these fear points? By debunking them. What I see is that if I manage to leave no open threads or loose ends I can avoid that things I pushed away with the idea that I can not handle them (due to a lack of money  for instance) will represent themselves finding me unprepared to deal with them. It is not fully taking responsibility for all I do.
Why do I tend not to take full responsibility is actually a point of making myself victim of a situation, in this case I see myself as a victim of the fact I do not have enough money to pay all my bills. This is made even stronger by the fact I am waiting for money from others that could have avoided the fact I am in trouble.
The solution here is simple. Instead of pushing away the fact I need to do something with it and wait for better times I can figure out how to inform people about the situation and make sure everybody knows what is going on. Then I could put some pressure on those that owe me money like I did with the e-mail to the rental company.
But what about my heart beating like hell when seeing a mail from my parents. It is not this way any more but for quite some time I could not see a mail from my parents in my inbox without having a strong reaction to it. I even postponed the reading of the mail until I calmed down a bit or when having a quiet moment to read it, never in between. I experienced the same with mails from the rental company, and in some other occasions too. The general factor I see here is that all this is money related. The relation with my parents is very much based on money. If there were troubles or misunderstanding it was always directly or indirectly related to money. It has been so bad that even when we really needed some help as a family just to cover simple living expenses like buying food we would not ask my parents for money.
The question is why is there all this energy connected to money. On one side I see it all starts with the fear of not having (enough) money and since I experienced what it means to have no money, even if it is for a couple of days, the experience is humiliating in a practical way. Without money you can to anything, you can not go anywhere, on a bicycle eventually, no groceries or very limited, no socializing in public places, not invite people to your place since you can’t offer them anything. A kind of paralysing effect. It is in a way as if you are dying. So, the real fear is the fear of death. If you rationalize the situation (afterwards) you see that there is a long way to go between the for your experience so threatening experience and real death but it is definitely an experience linked to death.
Another point is that you start questioning yourself why you of all people on earth are the one to experience this. Is it my fault? Where did I miss the point, where did it go wrong? Why am I in this position? It starts to become an existential crisis on top of the misery of not having money. No work, no social life, plenty of time to think… Only yourself to blame and an ego not allowing you to admit you are the real and only cause of it. Until you start admitting and accepting that you are the cause and the solution of the situation. It was interesting when we started to share with people our situation that we got all kind of help from some people. The fact we were not ashamed of our situation was the first step to get out of it. To get to this step you will have to start being honest with yourself. The Desteni tools helped us a lot and although the way to a stable financial situation is still a matter of perseverance and patiently waiting until we are realigned with the system, we now see that we changed our situation and will not fall back to the same troubles without being able to recognize the pitfalls and knowing what to do to avoid repeating the same situations.
As mentioned before, self-honesty is very important in the process of clearing up situations and loopings.
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1. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep a certain hope I will manage to get back the money from my landlady although I know that most probably any effort is going to lead to more frustration.

When and as I see myself participating in a belief that holding on to a hope will eventually lead to results, I stop and breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this point any further. I realize that I know the beginning and the end of this pattern as I have walked this pattern and I see where it leads. I also realize that there is no reason for me to participate within the pattern of hoping to get back the money as it is clear that, looking at this specific situation in all possible aspects, the landlady is not going to pay. Therefore I stop and do not participate.

I see, realize and understand that the hope something is going to happen is just a mindfuck and has nothing to do with reality. Therefore I see I am manipulating myself with a belief that is distracting me from being self-directive and use my common sense in how to move on in life. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
2. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let my mind to fantasize about how I am going to put pressure on my landlady in order to get her to see she is causing damage to others and to motivate her to pay the money back.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that fantasizing about how specific things eventually might happen based on hope, I stop and breathe and do not allow myself to participate in this point any further. I realize that I know the beginning and the end of this pattern and as I have walked this pattern and I see where it leads. I also realize that there is no reason for me to participate within the pattern of fantasizing on how I could eventually change the behaviour of specific people, therefore I stop and do not participate.

I see, realize and understand that allowing the mind to take over that what I believe is reality is deceiving and fooling myself. Therefore I see I am allowing the mind to take over and prevent myself to see live in its full extent. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

 

3. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to make a detour on my way home just to see If there is somebody home in the house of my landlady as if I am hoping to bump into her so I meet her ‘by accident’ and create an occasion to remind her of her duties.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that going back to places that hold memories in the hope they will cause things to move into a desired direction, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where this pattern leads to as I have walked it already. I stop and do not participate in it as I realize that there is no reason for me participating in mind created scenarios, as I know they most probably will not play out as I imagined.

I see, realize and understand that going back to specific locations that refer to situations I have not wrapped up in the hope this will cause a movement towards the desired and plotted outcome I am actually deceiving myself. Therefore I see I am allowing myself to believe I am able to create reality scenario’s even if they are based on self interest. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
4. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to accept that the fact I will get my rental caution deposit back from my landlady is improbable and any effort put into it is useless.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that continuing to put effort in actions that clearly and seen in common sense will not lead to any result, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. Therefore I stop and do not participate in it as I realize there is no reason for me holding on to the idea that getting my money back from the landlady is still possible.

I see, realize and understand that keeping on pushing a point beyond a commonsensical boundary is not going to change the outcome. Therefore I see I am allowing me to remain stuck in a point so I allow the mind to play games with me. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
5. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to have checked all options I have in my power to communicate with my landlady in order to remember her of the fact I still get money from her.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have not gone over all possible options just because I did not manage to achieve that specific goal and not considering all dimensions involved, I stop and I breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate in this pattern of being uncertain of the fact I used all possible options to communicate with my landlady as I realize there is no reason for me to do so.

I see, realize and understand that when checking when in a specific situation, after I have gone through all possible options and dimensions, I did not achieve a specific goal, I start doubting If I have gone through it properly. Therefore I see I am actually doubting myself allowing a escape possibility to justify why I need to hold on to a specific point instead of closing it. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
6. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel the energy building up while writing self-forgiveness sentences about this topic with in my mind going over all options left pending that I still consider as an option to get that money.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that holding on to beliefs I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it several times before. Therefore I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of allowing myself to build up energy (fed by the fear of lack of money and the hope this is a way to get some money) as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that holding on to beliefs is a way of self-deception and distraction preventing me to properly focus on the points in life I need to address. Therefore I see I am actually using beliefs as a way to escape my responsibilities. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
Worries:

7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel worried in relation to money expressing so the fact I did not take appropriate action to avoid that specific situation in the moment by not fully understanding the responsibilities I had to take when making specific money related decisions. And therefore I use the feeling of worry as an excuse to not take full responsibility for money related decisions.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have to feel worried when it comes to making money related decisions causing myself not to take full responsibility on that specific point I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of feeling worried and insecure when having to deal with money related decisions as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by feeling worried/uncertain in relation to how to deal with money actions and decisions I am avoiding/postponing the point of having to face reality and then take an appropriate action that might reveal points of myself I have not be (self-) honest with towards myself and others. Therefore I see I am actually abusing the fact to feel worried to hide myself and to be self-honest. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Stuffed away:

8. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stuff away, bury, ignore, push away feeling and emotions related to money and anything that had to do with money related matters and actions. In doing so I am denying myself the possibility to research the cause of these feeling and emotions preventing myself to take action and stop them effectively, freeing myself from an unnecessary burden and distraction in my mind and allowing myself to focus effectively on actions to take.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that by stuffing away any emotion and feeling in relation to money I manage to avoid consequences related to money I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of pushing away money triggered or related feeling and emotions as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by suppressing emotions/reactions related to my relationship with money, I am potentially creating a time bomb that is eventually going to explode. Therefore I see I am actually avoiding to face myself in relation to money and therefore creating unnecessary consequences for myself and my family. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Not letting go:

9. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the point of hoping to get back money from the landlady while failing to see I have a starting point of hope driven by the need to have this money to solve a shortcoming while not seeing this is all based on unrealistic idea’s and not facts and that focussing on other points with a greater chance of success makes much more sense.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that by hoping and holding on to a specific point will finally lead to a desired outcome I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of having hopes based on unrealistic idea’s as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

10. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the fact of not having enough money to buy groceries and therefore not being able to feed my family and myself properly, decently or at all, risking to become hungry, as something that might us to eventually starve, starve to death!

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that not having enough money to buy food for my family and myself causing myself to become blinded by fear I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in allowing fear for death to blind myself as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting fear to blind and blur my abilities to stand as one as life, I am compromising the well being of myself and my family by not using my resources in the best way I can to move myself to a better life. Therefore I see I am actually not taking my responsibility for my life and the situation I am living in. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
11. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the fact others owe me money as an excuse to delay payment of my bills and so delaying and expanding the ripple effect of the non-payment effect while in at the same time seeing no way out to avoid this situation in the moment itself and therefore blaming myself not having taken timely action to avoid stranding in this situation with no financial buffers and becoming so a amplifier of actions of others instead of being able to stop this.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that there is no other way to deal with a shortage of money then using the excuse for delaying my payments to others because others are delaying payments to me, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of using the fact others are not paying me in time) to delay payments to others instead of having taken my responsibility by anticipating this possibility and using buffers to stop this snowball effect as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting that the the lack of money justifies the fact I am not able to pay for my debts. Therefore I see I am actually using the excuse that others have to pay me before being able to pay what I am due to pay. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
12. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have fear of not having (enough) money to be able to go anywhere thus feeling limited in my freedom and therefore experiencing the lack of money as a limitation of my freedom, as an imprisonment of myself in the prison of poverty, self-blame, failure.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that a shortage of money is a definite and unconditional limitation of my freedom of movement, leading myself in the belief of being held in the prison of poverty, self-blame and failure, I stop and I breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of self-blame when dealing with money shortage as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting that money is the only tool/resource that will allow me to move myself in my life. Therefore I see I am limiting myself by setting up non existent boundaries in my mind and believe they are real. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
13. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the fact of not having enough money to be able to socialize in public places because I might come into the situation I might to have to offers someone a drink, this leading myself into a social isolation and finally to become fully ignored by society.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that a shortage of money leads to a limiting myself in being able to socialize in public places and therefore putting myself in a social isolation, I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of fear for isolation due to lack of money as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by allowing money to control my ability to socialize I am actually allowing money to be the directive point in what I can do/express. Therefore I see I am limiting myself and creating a situation of stall and self-blame. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
14. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the fact of not having money as paralyzing by identifying myself as money instead of standing as myself as who I am as a being.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I am equal to the money I own with all limitations as an outflow of this belief I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate any longer in the pattern of identifying myself as money as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by seeing myself equal to money I am limiting myself and within this limiting the people I interact with, I share my life with. Therefore I see I am actually using money as an excuse of not being able to take my responsibilities. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Self blame:

15. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wonder why I of all people on this earth am the one to be chosen to be in this situation of having no money, blaming myself to be the cause of this all while I fail to see that my starting point is self blame and seeing myself as money and therefore limiting myself into impossible boundaries, actually imprisoning myself in my own thoughts and opinions.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I am the chosen one to be in this ‘special’ situation of having no money I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of self-blame based on my thoughts and opinions  as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that I am using the specialness belief to separate myself from reality. Therefore I see I am actually creating a polarity to create mind energy and distract myself. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Extra emotions while doing research:

16. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to add-on emotions of another situation while looking for background information on the rental company, as if in that way I wanted to make the whole even worse emotion wise and therefore not allowing myself to focus and to stand with that specific point I was doing research on.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that escalating emotions is the best way to deal with problems I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of emotion escalation/improvement/enrichment that is only resulting in a lack of focus as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by letting emotions to build up I am acting in a selfish way and preventing myself to have a clear picture of the real proportion of the matters I am dealing with.Therefore I see am am actually avoiding self-responsibility and feed the mind with energy. Thus i do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Frustration due to a lack of money:

17. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated by the fact I was not able to support my family financially and therefore expressing I was not in control of the situation by seeing myself as a powerless victim not having been able to avoid the situation or even worse, to have willingly ignored or allowed situations to be created that had as an outflow/consequence I had to face the situations I eventually might have been able to avoid.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I can not avoid to become a victim of situations in relation to money I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I do not longer participate in the pattern of seeing myself as a victim of money related situations even though I have created them myself as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by victimizing myself in relation to money I am using self-blame instead of taking full responsibility for the direction in my life. Therefore I see that I am using self-blame as an excuse for not standing as equal as life. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
Fear of death triggered by social and practical limitations due to lack of money:

18. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the limitations of having little or no money as a limitation to life and therefore seeing it as a life threatening point creating a fear of death.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that money limitations are life limitations creating fear of death I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I do not longer participate in the pattern of experiencing money related limitation as a death threat as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that through allowing myself to believe money is equal to life, I am limiting myself in realizing myself and at the same time feeding my self-blame. Therefore I see that I am using money as a way to control my life instead of being self-directing. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Motivated by survival

During my working day I decided that tonight I will do some work that I want to be finished by tomorrow. It is one of those days where a lot of unforeseen (unwanted?) things happened and caused my planning not to fit anymore into the available hours. Making this decision I was surprised by the fact it was so easy to make and to assume that I will indeed do it. If i them compare my behavior when it is blog writing or working on my DIP assignments I see a big difference. I am much less motivated.

Let’s have a look at my motivation. What is really motivating me? The fact I want to have things done within the timeframe I agreed on with others? Or does it go deeper? What is it that keeps me running faster for my boss than for myself? Yes, that is it! Writing my blogs and doing my DIP assignments is all stuff I do for mySelf. Making long days in the office and even continuing the work at home is… Fear, Enslavement! Fear to be seen as less competent by my superiors/boss, enslavement by the money system that tells me to work more and more so I can save holidays for extra days off or to be paid as extra salary.

So, enslavement/money/fear are more important than Self. That is not a good balance. But how to find this balance? How to establish the energy/time to dedicate to work and to Self development?

Self-honesty!

Within Self-honesty it is not possible to decide that work is more important than working on my self development. It is equally important. The first to properly function in the system/matrix with no need to exaggerate, the second to become more stable and aware of Life so I can stand as one as breath to the benefit of all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my job to be more important than my self development through blogging and doing my DIP assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my self development through blogging and dong my DIP assignment as less important than my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of survival to decide what is the best to be done instead of allowing myself in a specific moment to stop and breath and in that moment decide what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by false arguments drive by fear of survival and enslavement to money instead of get things done because what I do is simply in the best interest of all.

Fear of losing my job

It is a crazy thought but I realized already a couple of occasions that I feared to loose the job I just started with! There are very subtile triggers that I can pinpoint as a couse of the thoughts leading eventually to this fear.

The first occasion I can remember is a discussion about my brand new job with my brother in law. He said that having a job is really nice but with a contract for 6 months the security is limited. He advised me to continue working on my network of business relations just in case. Although this is very common sense and I already came to the same conclusion myself it planted  a seed of fear in myself. My mind started to work out all kind of scenario’s that eventually could lead to loosing my job after these six months. Within the same context Other people gave me all kind of advices like having to make myself absolutely indispensable by planning ahead of these six months. I always did the opposite since I never believed in the effectiveness of people being indispensable for a company/organisation. In order to achieve this you need to keep things for yourself compromising effective communication and collaboration thus productivity of a team within a company.

Nevertheless the fears come in and I had a hell of a job dealing with these fears by doing SF on them each time they popped up in my mind. These fears were all fed by a much bigger underlaying fear, the fear of not being able to earn (enough) money for myself and my family. The fact that having a job should be enough to get rid of this fear you would say. But as long as the trigger or source of the specific fear is not taken away, the fear will come back, even if conditions are changed and there is apparently no reason anymore for that fear to exist.

Besides the fact fears are influencing one’s life and one’s decisions dramatically we tend to push away the fears we have. Not so long ago I was convinced not to have that many fears in my life until I started to dig into the pool of my memories and experiences to discover I had been a master in stowing away many fears. I also tried to get rid of fears by changing the situation and taking away the condition of the fear to exist. No success! The mind always manages to create new conditions for the fear to exist. The only effective way to get rid of my fears is to face them, work on the underlaying triggers and stop all related thoughts and patterns using the tools of Desteni.

Trying to be invisible

Ever since I am staying at my brother in law’s place I am feeling welcome but not always at ease. I started to investigate why. There are many factors playing a role here. I’ve been offered a place to stay in the center of a city giving me more opportunities while searching for a new job. It is now already the 26th day of my staying here and I have no job yet. There is one serious job opportunity and I just had a job interview, soon to be followed by athe next round. I applied for several jobs and got just a few replies back. Though times to get a job and in my case extra challenging due to my age (45) and the effects of the economic recession. So, it is hard working and trying to spot the right opportunities.

The fact I still do not have a job and the fact time is racing makes me feel uneasy once in a while. Until when am I welcome in this house? Are they already fed up by my presence? Oh, I wished it was all over and I could live again with my family. Not that I really miss them since I speak to them every day over Skype, it is the uneasy feeling of not being able to tell how log this situation is going to last. Everybody around me ‘hopes’ I will find a job soon and tell me they will cross their fingers (hoping they would not face the same situation themselves some time in future?).

This feeling of uneasiness is mainly generated by myself because I have an ideal picture and I see I am not fitting into it. I am sometimes trying to convince myself that I am in a bad situation and that I should be ashamed of it. But it is nothing more than a consequential outflow of what I have created myself and there is no other way out of it than walking this process step by step. So I stop blaming myself and will focus on getting the most out of the situation I am actually living in, step by step, breath by breath.

Today, while traveling back from my brother’s place, I was thinking how I could delay my arrival at my brother in law’s house as much as possible in order not to be a nuisance during the weekend. This was confirming my feeling of not wanting to be there, thus not wanting to face a consequential outflow of my own actions. The solution is very simple and straight forward. I will have to discuss the length of my stay and the conditions so everybody can agree on it and no false expectations or back chats are created. I tend to postpone this point of discussion until I know the outcome of the interview, and it certainly makes sense to do so. What scares me is the idea I am not getting the job. This will mean that there is again no clarity in the length of my stay. Every day that passes is making the equation more critical since we are running out of money and it is already money that was given to us to help us in our situation.

So it is very important to keep my feet on the ground, stay focussed and direct all I can in finding any kind of job that will generate some income and help us out of this situation. Interestingly enough it is still difficult when there is a job opportunity. Am I going to accept a low wage job that just generates some money but not enough to support my family or do I wait until I have a decent job that will give me a decent income? Needless to think out scenario’s here but I am tempted to do it. If a situation like this manifests I will have to deal with it in the best way possible using my common sense.

The mind is always trying to plan ahead or better to work out all kind of possible scenario’s so it can fuck me up with my fears. It is strange not to be tempted into these scenario thinking since it feels so empty. But that is just a feeling. Better focus on being here in the moment and act as one as self in every breath. I am regularly tempted not to allow me to focus on my process and convince myself that I should put every single second in efforts that might lead to a job. Happily enough, working on my process is going to make my search for a job more effective and this blog is part of that process.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel less than my brother in law just because of my situation and my incapability of being clear about the length of my stay in his house.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let my mind convince me into all kind of scenario’s instead of focussing myself in being here and now, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to be distracted by thoughts about my possible future without considering real facts and so building up energies that are of any use in improving my actual situation.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself that I accept to become scared of the consequential outflow of my own actions instead of keeping the mind clear and walk the point effectively.

Stuck in the loop

This morning I was watching to a religious TV program in which the program presenter was introducing his visit to a woman, K., that, after having been into spiritualism found God as her savior. Already this introduction was causing some reactions in me. I saw the happiness of this man when making this introduction as if he actually was saying: “I am so happy we have added another sheep to our herd”. I saw also that is was a perfect item to use for a religious TV program where those who watch are fed with examples that should consolidate their belief or faith in their religion.

During the interview K. was telling about her youth. She was the second born and already at a young age understood that her father hoped for a son and not a second daughter. This caused her to feel unwanted and less because of not being the wanted son of her father. This thought will follow her until today without her noticing it but made clear by the stories she told about her life. She married very young and had two sons (at least her father had two grandsons, but that did not help to solve K’s inferiority complex). The relation did not last very long and not very soon after she stepped into a second relationship that ended suddenly the day her partner did not return home after a skiing holiday. He met a nice young girl and went to live with her.

K. was very disappointed since she adored the man and did everything for him, making it very harsh to be rejected not seeing she was manifesting her inferiority complex. She was not seeing that she was stuck in a loop. In the process of looking for answers in life she met a couple that was doing Reiki. She dived into it and became a Reiki Master and opened a Reiki Practice and started to earn money with this business. One day she met a woman who told her about the curch and how she found God as being her savior, freeing her from all her sorrows and problems. K. started to go to church. At first just a couple of times, than started to read the bible and went to church more often.

At a certain point she decided to be baptized so she could free herself from her sorrows and become happy again in life. After a service where her friend was baptized they asked who wanted to be baptized the next occasion and she decided to opt for it. She ad to talk with a commission of the church that had to decide if she could be baptized. Everything was fine until she told she ran a Reiki practice that was her only source of income. She lived again the feeling of being rejected, thus manifesting again this point, looping again in a phase of her life. Again she had an opportunity to deal with it but she choose to be the victim and stopped her business in order to be baptized, the white light was too strong to resist.. Curiously enough her story did not mention what she was doing since then in order to make a living.

I see here a peson that believes that thinks that she found the ultimate happiness but actually did not change anything in her life. Still in the same loop and still with the same mindfucks. Until she is not finding a way to take her own responsibilities for what she is manifesting in her own life she will again look for another ‘solutionn’ when she will find out that reading the bible and going to church will only satisfy her need for energy but not give her any answers to her real problems.

I see also how a producer of a religious TV program abuses this story to show people how they can find the ultimate happiness in the faith to God pushed by their own belief it is really the key to ultimate happiness. I see how faithful people will see this as a confirmation that their religion is the best thing and that this same religion helped another person.

Depression

Yesterday, while drinking a cup of tea, my mother in law told me a story of a friend of hers who has a daughter diagnosed with a serious form of depression. The woman is apparently very pretty looking and, while in her early thirties, is already in her third relationship. As a teenager she already showed symptoms of depression and among other therapies she was sent as au pair to Switzerland where she had a great time.

Typical of her behavior while being depressed were periods of intense fear wherein she always claimed her mother to come over to help her, resulting in the fact the mother had to travel for a couple of hours to co go her daughter’s house to find a scared daughter not willing to do anything. She also showed periods with a complete opposite behavior where she was very active, almost over active and almost uncontrollable, capable of doing very weird things.

At a certain point she had a relationship with an older man who already had children. He cared very much about her and helped her going to doctors and psychiatrists which resulted in nothing else than prescribing medication to suppress the symptoms of her behavior. This relation did not last for obvious reasons and because the two sons of this man where difficult to manage and because the woman wanted her own child.

Not long after she was into another relation, this time with a man from india who was aiming at having a child and only three months after they met she was already pregnant. Because of the woman’s behavior and the man’s attitude the relationship already became difficult during pregnancy and after the child was born the man started claiming the child and is doing whatever he can to have the woman locked away in a mental institute. Not being able to cope with the situation the man is known to have beaten the woman regularly.

While all this was going on the woman had her regular periods of fear wherein she always claimed her mother to help her and to take care of her child. Since she was living at some distance from her parents they decided to look for a home in the same town, making it easier to help her when necessary. At the moment she is in her third relationship with a nice man who obviously fell for her very good look.

While my mother in law was telling this story I talked about the fact that the woman’s behavior was quite abusive for the people around her and my mother in law had to agree on that point. She told me that after all these years both the woman and her parents accepted the idea there was nothing they could do about this situation and that it will remain this way for ever.

It is interesting to see that if there is no cure for a specific illness, and more specifically a mental illness, people tend to accept the situation and try to control it with medication. If our medical system is not able to provide a cure we simply accept there is no cure. Doing so we accept being abused by people who are stuck in the mind and are not even willing to change that situation because they are addicted to their behavior wherein they tend to claim and control the persons they live with and their family.

With proper coaching and assistance to work on self responsibility within life situation like these could be improved and even avoided. While now the whole situation is fed by fears and reluctance to changes on one side and accepting abuse just because you are dealing with your daughter or partner the whole situation could be changed if everybody started to look at themselves in self honesty and really started to take each their own responsibilities. This process is made easier using the tools and information found at Desteni. For who is specifically interested in the subject follow this link to a series of video’ son Youtube.