Wireless troubles

Every time I receive a mail from my landlady I think: “What will it be about this time?”. I started to investigate why I had this reaction. First the reaction itself. I kind of want to hide from something I have to deal with but I am not willing to deal with. Where is this feeling of not wanting originated? By memories of course. Although the messages sent by my landlady make sense they trigger plenty of back chat like: Why didn’t she tell me before” or ” Why is she making things so complicated”. The memories are not connected to these mails but mail in general that potentially can contain messages that I would rather not face.

Next step is to see why I have these back chats and why I see the points she communicates as threatening. The answer was quickly found. It all has to do with my not wanting to be in this situation, living in someone else’s house where I feel limited In my movements due to all kind of rules I tend to rebel against because of the by my mind suggested freedom limitation.

Instead of rebelling I should live the points and discuss those that are unpractical from a commonsensical point of view. In other words, no big deal, just a matter of communication and agreement about practical points within sharing a house.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to see mails/messages as a threat instead of breathing and take and work through the presented matters step by step.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to have backchat about situations that do not exist in reality but are creations of my mind busy working out scenario’s that are in no way connected to real life.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to resist the living situation I am in right now instead of being here, now and act within the given context in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let memories of other situations that have no appear ant connection to the actual situation let influence me in my actions.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let situations in the actual life be a trigger for feelings based on memories of past experiences.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to use scenario’s created by my mind in order to feed my feeling of self pity of being in the situation I am in right now.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to influence my physical well being by seeking energy in mind creations instead of focussing on practically use my energy living here and now, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to realize that only the ego on the mind is seeking revenge and conflicts in order to strengthen itself, to generate and build itself as myself.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to use anything I encounter in my landlady’s house as a potential trigger to develop back chat and doom scenario’s.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to have concluded my landlady gave me a wrong password for the WiFi network just because I believed that it is predefined the unstable WiFi connection will frustrate me until I leave this home.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel less than another being while having to live within specific circumstances that I see as limiting my expression as myself.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel limited in my day to day actions only because my mind suggests that there are limitations that are in fact not real or if they are they can not be discussed in common sense.

When I see that I am tempted to back chat – I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is just my mind that is seeking to create thoughts and idea’s that will feed feelings like inferiority and unhappiness and that I direct myself out of that experience by standing up within myself with the realization that acting according to inferiority and unhappiness is not what is best for me. I see with clarity what inferiority and unhappiness have led to within this world and reality and thus I realize that I am equally responsible for the outflow/outcome of people acting according to inferiority and unhappiness. I do not accept or allow myself to continue taking part and feeding this system of abuse but instead I see and realize that stopping inferiority and unhappiness is what is best for all – I stand up for life, I stop acting according to my inferiority and unhappiness.

 

 

Depression

Yesterday, while drinking a cup of tea, my mother in law told me a story of a friend of hers who has a daughter diagnosed with a serious form of depression. The woman is apparently very pretty looking and, while in her early thirties, is already in her third relationship. As a teenager she already showed symptoms of depression and among other therapies she was sent as au pair to Switzerland where she had a great time.

Typical of her behavior while being depressed were periods of intense fear wherein she always claimed her mother to come over to help her, resulting in the fact the mother had to travel for a couple of hours to co go her daughter’s house to find a scared daughter not willing to do anything. She also showed periods with a complete opposite behavior where she was very active, almost over active and almost uncontrollable, capable of doing very weird things.

At a certain point she had a relationship with an older man who already had children. He cared very much about her and helped her going to doctors and psychiatrists which resulted in nothing else than prescribing medication to suppress the symptoms of her behavior. This relation did not last for obvious reasons and because the two sons of this man where difficult to manage and because the woman wanted her own child.

Not long after she was into another relation, this time with a man from india who was aiming at having a child and only three months after they met she was already pregnant. Because of the woman’s behavior and the man’s attitude the relationship already became difficult during pregnancy and after the child was born the man started claiming the child and is doing whatever he can to have the woman locked away in a mental institute. Not being able to cope with the situation the man is known to have beaten the woman regularly.

While all this was going on the woman had her regular periods of fear wherein she always claimed her mother to help her and to take care of her child. Since she was living at some distance from her parents they decided to look for a home in the same town, making it easier to help her when necessary. At the moment she is in her third relationship with a nice man who obviously fell for her very good look.

While my mother in law was telling this story I talked about the fact that the woman’s behavior was quite abusive for the people around her and my mother in law had to agree on that point. She told me that after all these years both the woman and her parents accepted the idea there was nothing they could do about this situation and that it will remain this way for ever.

It is interesting to see that if there is no cure for a specific illness, and more specifically a mental illness, people tend to accept the situation and try to control it with medication. If our medical system is not able to provide a cure we simply accept there is no cure. Doing so we accept being abused by people who are stuck in the mind and are not even willing to change that situation because they are addicted to their behavior wherein they tend to claim and control the persons they live with and their family.

With proper coaching and assistance to work on self responsibility within life situation like these could be improved and even avoided. While now the whole situation is fed by fears and reluctance to changes on one side and accepting abuse just because you are dealing with your daughter or partner the whole situation could be changed if everybody started to look at themselves in self honesty and really started to take each their own responsibilities. This process is made easier using the tools and information found at Desteni. For who is specifically interested in the subject follow this link to a series of video’ son Youtube.

Did I reach my goals in my life?

A friend of mine suggested me to write my blog about the question if I managed to reach the goals I had when I was age 18. My first reaction was that it did not sound as an interesting topic. But looking better at it I decided to have a try.

To be honest I do not recall very specific idea’ s I might have had at that age. I was actually in a kind of crisis. I just doubled the last year of my high school and was supposed to move from Italy to Holland to start a study at a Professional School.

The general idea I had was to study until I had a diploma and then look for a job that might give me a decent income, just like my father. I never had a real clue of what actually the work of my father consisted in. He was in management and at the time I had very little fantasies about being a manager. I wanted to do practical stuff and technical stuff.

The first years after high school in Holland were a nightmare. I started with the Horticultural School where I found out that the students were to my opinion very narrow minded on almost anything. They considered me as a “Mafioso” since I came from Italy. After two years I decided to stop. I started working and to finish my missing High School year doing a evening school. After one year I decided to use my own money to go to a private school for Hospitality Business. I managed to do two years in just one with very nice grades.

The ‘black years’ had a huge impact on me. I developed the “Colitis Ulcerosa” Illness that lasted for several of years. Funny enough the illness started within the first year I moved to the Netherlands and stopped in the year after I found a good job at IKEA. Stability in my life cased me to have a healthier body.

My inherited restlessness caused me to quit my job at IKEA since I started to get bored, at least that was what I gave myself as an excuse to quit and change, seeking for a more challenging job. I tasted the world of MLM for a while (see my  previous blog) and finally I found a nice job at a Hewlett Packard Call center. I was happy with the fact I could use my technical skills combined with my knowledge of several languages.

No surprise that after a while (it took seven years this time) I decided to work for a small company specializing in what I was already doing a lot for HP, Training people on printers, sales and technical. Here my career stopped because the small company could not afford me any longer and did not renew my contract. Since then I am self employed.

In all these years I was trying to picture a perfect career that would allow me to use my skills and allow me to earn a nice salary. I pretty soon found out that knowing several languages is not necessarily something that allows you to make a nice living. There is a bigger chance you can make money by knowing two languages and you did your studies on University as a translator than knowing at least 5 of them on a high level and doing a support agent job in a call center. I remember that I felt abused quite regularly because people not knowing languages very easily asked you for your services never understanding how intense and difficult translating can be, resulting in low rewards for the work you were doing.

I actually never stopped defining and redefining what my ideal job should be. Even if I have a clear idea about my skills it is still difficult to translate that into an ideal job. OK, there is no perfect job. Even after becoming self employed, a step that should have allowed me to pick the jobs that suited my skills best, I learned that making money was the first and the last criteria when accepting a job. Nothing else. Until today, every minute I am working on a project for a customer, the main drive is to satisfy the customer in order to get paid. I can put a lot of sills and creativity in my work, but always limited by money in some way (e.g. the customers budget limiting me to focus on basics with no added value that might benefit the whole).

Back to the question of my friend. She added if I was satisfied with what I managed to make of my goals. The question kind of embarrassed me. I am not very often asking myself if I am satisfied. Not on that level. I am still trying to make a living in a society I almost tried to escape from. I have still a hard time fitting in in the way many others do, performing their tasks within their jobs without asking themselves if the work they do (or try not to do or as little as possible) is contributing to something other than their monthly salary.

In a certain way I am satisfied if I look to what I have learned. I have become very flexible and able to quickly fit in in many different types of jobs, both technical, management, commercial, and even handcrafts. Although I tend to say that I am not drive by satisfaction, I must admit that it is not true. Looking back, at the completion of a job/task I am always trying to find the point of satisfaction for the work I did. But what is being satisfied doing with me? Nothing more than satisfying my EGO! There is nothing practical in being satisfied! It does not serve any other purpose than feeding your EGO.

So, lets’s skip this whole satisfaction thing and do our tasks, work, job with one simple goal: The best interest of all. So everybody benefits from it, you and me included.

Me, my daughter and the ego

Tonight I experienced a perfect example of my ego seeking revenge after the realization of being fucked up by a specific situation. And worse of all, it is a pattern that is repeating itself. So, time to have a look at it and stop it.

Earlier tonight I went to to pick up my daughter A who spent the afternoon with some friends. When I arrived I found all the kids skating on in-line skates and having a lot of fun. Meanwhile A’s dinner was waiting at home. My idea of picking her up quickly started to be challenged by the situation. All kids were doing whatever they could to win time and enjoy their activities a little longer. I repeated several times that dinner was ready and that we had to go home. And doing so time passed and I started a conversation with the mother of the other kids while repeating we had to go home. Almost an hour later I was finally home with A.

A. had dinner while the rest of the family who already had dinner moved over to other activities. I cleaned the kitchen and asked A. to put her stuff in the dishwasher when ready just to make sure I didn’t have to come back later to finish cleaning up. When she asked if it would fit inside the dishwasher I said that I was not sure but that she had to give it a try.

When I came back in the kitchen a while later I saw A’s stuff out of the dishwasher. This triggered a point of frustration that fed by my ego lead to build quickly an image of being fucked by A. and since it was not the first time a situation like this caused me to feel powerless and consequently frustrated by the fact it is difficult to come to agreements with A in many situations I tried to make my point by asking A what I was supposed to do in order not to have this situation repeated.

Her answer caused my mind to have a kind of short circuit. She said I should not nag about this kind of situations because nagging will cause her to repeat the situation on purpose! There I was stuck. My ego was left with no possibility to make its point and clashed with A’s ego that simply stated that if I nagged about this kind of situations she just will repeat them. Seen from a distance this is a perfect start for a war. And the scary thing is that if you are in the moment while your ego is speaking you really feel your need to make your point sincerely. I felt trapped and kind of panicked because I was left with no logical solution within the limitations of my ego.

How to solve this? Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego direct the conversation I had with A. Instead of being directed by the ego I can see that I abdicated my self-responsibility and got possessed with revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let frustration be my starting point for communicating with my daughter, instead of seeking for a solution to the problem in the  best interest of all.

My daughter’s messy room

Every time I walk into my daughter’s A. room I have feelings of disgust. Besides a narrow strip that is leading to her bed the whole floor is filled with a wide variety of objects like pencils, dolls, doll dresses, Playmobile, Lego, and tons of dust since the room has not been cleaned for months.

We helped A. to clean the mess on a couple of occasions but she never managed to keep it tidy. Here I have frustration popping in. Frustration because I see there is an issue pending with no apparent solution. Frustration because every time A. makes a progress in the way she is dealing with her life there is no change to the situation in her room.

We’ve been avoiding to put pressure on the issue in the previous months because of A’s middel school exams. Now summer holidays have started several weeks ago and the situation is still the same. We have had the whole story with D. and connected to it we’ve established A. had lived in fear and depression for a while. Now she’s working on the outflow of this experience but nothing leads to changes in her room. I was left speechless when asked about cleaning up her room A. answered with no hesitation that it was not something she planned to do during summer holidays.

When tonight again I entered her room to collect a cup to put in the dishwasher I was confronted with this messy room. I made a comment on something that was still dropped (to my opinion) on the floor and A. said she will take care of it later. “later” is for me the same as never, since she uses this word just to make me happy and make me leave.

I am possessed, obsessed by this room. I need to work on this and let it go. The physical situation in the room is not my problem, the reactions I have are indeed. I really need to work this out because I feel that a part is reflecting my own shit. On the other hand I know that A. is dealing with big time resistances and only when she has dealt with those she will be able to clean up the mess. Imposing or forcing A. into action might lead to a clean room, but it will return to a mess in no time if the source of the problem is not adressed.

Quite complex to separate the emotions from the facts. Besides feelings I also see my ego that tells me it is not fair A. can go on with this behavior without consequences. If in a specific situation the outcome is she was wrong in saying or doing something a simple “sorry” is all she gives before going on with her life as if nothing happened. Big time ego here that is suggesting revenge, punishment to make sure A. understands that she is not allowed to do that. A. needs to be more aware of the consequences of her actions but it is not up to me to judge what the consequences should be. They will be there anyway.

I am very allergic to the mess in A’s room and any kind of mess she leaves for days, weeks, months just laying somewhere in or around the house. You can ask A. repeatedly to collect the stuff and bring it to her room with no result for many times. A curious thing is again the frustration connected to the fact I can justify why I am not doing certain things, too busy with other more important stuff while A. is either watching a movie, sleeping in until late, making a drawing, playing with a girlfriend, doing nothing.

The toughest part of this is that it is a mirror to myself. I too have a lot of mess to clean up, not physically so visible as in A’s case but my resistances are equally tough. Meanwhile I am struggling with the question to what extent we can accept A’s behavior in the context of our small family community like leaving her stuff for days, weeks and sometimes months somewhere in the house with no apparent goal or motivation. Stripping as properly as I can this question from any feeling or ego related matter I still see a couple of points we need to agree on within our family context.

So, wrapping this up, I need to work on finding the starting point of all this shit so I can clean up my own mess. From the practical side I am going to propose an agreement between all of us about how we should deal with our stuff in the house and in our own rooms/studio’s, within the context of our small community. Meanwhile, the most effective thing I can do is being an example. This morning I started to clean up one of the tables in our garage! Immediately started to develop a feeling of hope this will influence A. immediately and motivate her into action… I have a lot of self forgiving to do here!

Paralyzed by fear and by possession

I feel fucked, fucked-up, betrayed, nervous, possessed. What is going on? A lot of things that are at the end all related to each other…

The fact: A couple of nights ago I decided to monitor the activities of my daughter and the YM (young man) who’s sleeping over regularly for practical reasons related to work. My decision was triggered by a sum up of the many signals mainly given by my daughter during the day. What I found out was confirming my darkest suspicions and as a father I can tell you it has a blowing impact. While hearing sounds of intensive kissing (and who knows what other activities that produce the same sounds) I felt paralyzed. I knew I had to go into the room next door to stop that what was going on. I could have woken my partner, but I did not. I only managed to listen while my heart was racing. I did it for hours apparently, because when finally my daughter left the room to go to sleep it was 4:30 in the morning.

It took me hours to calm down and with no effective sleep I got up in early morning to do my things and to have some distraction. Only much later I managed to concentrate on my work, but I could not go around the consequences of what I lived that night.

Looking back I see that I had been fighting with many thoughts. I asked myself if I could make it to interrupt what was going on. I heard A. giggling and that somehow reassured me that she was OK and apparently having fun. No need to brutally interfere there and to create a negative situation of something that might have been positive. This actually was a justification for not coming into action since I was not able to move.

While having breakfast with my partner S. we actually started together talking about the same thing. I told S. what I experienced and heard that night while shaking wildly with my arms. It was again clear to me that the whole thing had a huge impact on me and S.

In the previous days I started paying more and more attention to my daughter’s and the YM’s behavior . Every time I entered A’s room she was clicking something away on her laptop. I decided to check this out and was able to trace google search terms that were used within our home network environment. Besides searches like “the 10 strangest things you can do with a condom” the one that triggered my alarms was “how does it feel to have your pussy licked” in Dutch. Teenage curiosity or preparing for some action for the next time our young man was in the house?

I am not against experimenting on sex but with all necessary precautions. A girl aged 14 and a man aged 20 is not a very happy combination. I saw my daughter being pulled into a situation that was far beyond her real way of life which is to me still very childish. Also I never experienced A. trying to be attractive sexually with attitude or clothing.

Many questions however remained unanswered. Since we are not sure to what level the two manage to stay responsible for their actions or be aware of the consequences we do not know. When S. checked the sheet that was on the sleeping couch she found two big stains. Here again we wanted to know for sure there had not been a situation in which A. risked to get pregnant.

At the end we had the full story from A. One thing emerges very clearly, she was afraid of the YM already for some time. His behavior grew slowly to a more obsessive way of acting. Very subtly he managed to have A. sitting close to him, not because A. was liking this so much but because he managed to pull her towards him all the time. The same for the so called chasing games that gave him the opportunity to touch her inappropriately.

We are very aware of the fact that A. might have giving encouraging signals that unfortunately were generated out of fear. It is amazing to see how fear can lead to actions that seen from the outside seem to be perfectly normal or even giving the exact opposite signal. This, however, is not justifying the YM’s behavior. He has not been able to sense or understand he was dealing with a girl that was not ready to answer his sexual needs.

Having put this part back into a manageable perspective we prepare for a proper wrap up of the whole situation. With the help of the Desteni tools we will work things out so we understand the starting points and the consequential outflows of our actions and lack of action.

We will work out a practical way to deal with this new situation in which we decided that for the safety in our family the YM, at least for a while, might better not be our guest anymore. He will have to understand first what happened to him, what he accepted and allowed to happen and what the extent of the consequences of his behavior are. Until now, despite of intensive coaching, he has not really showed progress on his practical day to day behavior, he improved only technical related matters that nevertheless allowed him to produce some nice work.

Until we are ready working out our points we will reduce collaboration to the minimal necessary to finish ongoing projects. For the next month there are no big projects to work on so there should be plenty of time for hm to work on some points.

Almost possessed by anger

This morning, while driving A. to school for exams, we had a black car in front us having a uncertain driving style, fast on straight tracks, slow in curves. At a certain point I saw the driver threw a cigarette out of the window and I cynically was waiting for the package to follow. Instead of that a white paper napkin came out of the window. Apparently the driver finished the ‘pasta’ (see picture) and wanted to get rid of useless things.

At that point I felt anger coming up. Why? Why was this person throwing out all kind of stuff in nature? My mind was racing to find ways of revenge, but did not manage to come up with anything suitable other than overtaking the car and stop it. And then? Spitting my rage over a person that is probably not aware of what she is doing (later I saw it was a young lady)? Useless.

The way I felt the rage coming up was scary. I almost felt that if I did not manage to control it I might have lost myself in that anger. I was aware of what was happening to me and I could quite easily remain in control. I was surprised this time by the ease a situation or trigger could so easily lead to an escalation within me. The next step was becoming possessed with the anger and the consequential outflow could have been a series of actions aimed at this person until I could make MY point. Pointless, if you look at this from where I stand now.

These situation happened before but I’ve never managed to have such a clear view of what happened to me. I can now address the issue properly and start working out the causes. Nice example of my ongoing process!