Temporarily out of order

IMG_20170704_112140My right arm is in a sling and to be considered out of order. I will share here my experiences of living with a physical limitation. It will be for a while, but nobody knows for how long exactly.

While during the first couple of days I was living through the aftermath of the accident as a new experience, I am now entering a phase where the situation I am in starts looking less compelling. I know the best and most constructive way to move on is to slow myself down and focus on doing everything that is beneficial to the healing of my body.

So, I mainly focus on slowing myself down by living my moments breath by breath. I realise while doing simple things like peeling a banana or scooping a spoonful of yoghurt from a bowl, that until now I’ve been doing these movements on an automatic pilot, barely aware of what I was actually doing, just focusing on the goal, the result.

Although it might sound strange, I am glad to have this opportunity happening to me, as it kind of forces me to slow down and be more conscious of the things I do in my everyday life. I’ve said to myself that we should not take everything for granted, but never actually lived that statement. Now, on a small and personal scale, I am living this statement. When I struggle to put on my t-shirt and when finally done I find out I’ve put it on backwards, I take a breath, check how my physical is doing and start the process of taking  my t-shirt off and on again with focus and consideration for my limitations, pushing myself to be creative in finding the best way to do what I am doing.

I might have allowed myself to get frustrated and with that I might have compromised the whole situation for myself. But I could not imagine myself pushing through movements that would jeopardise the healing process, nor I could see myself waiting half dressed, as a victim of the situation, until someone came home to help me.

By taking a simple breath and allowing myself to slow down in that very moment I allowed myself to consider all aspects of the situation and define the best way to proceed without compromises. This approach that is simple and also quite challenging from a mind perspective, will contribute to me healing swiftly and will leave no room for possible regrets on actions that in a moment of frustration might have influenced my healing.

In general, being in a condition where some activities are just not possible to perform, the biggest challenge is not to be tempted to do them anyway. The temptations might seem very legitimate. I decided to bake pancakes for lunch the day after the accident. I managed but I was exhausted and did movements I should have avoided. The reason I decided to do it was driven by a feeling of guilt towards my partner who is the primary person to compensate for the tasks I am not able to perform. But the reason my partner was already very busy and tired should never be a reason for me to jeopardise my own situation. The best way to approach these situations is to discuss together the limitations and the possibilities and so agree on the priorities. This prevents unwanted consequences and frustrations that might escalate and lead to more unwanted situations.

My goal for the next days is to take it day by day, checking my healing process and do whatever I can to contribute to my healing. I am in the luxury position I can focus on myself and by doing so I make sure I will be available to do my tasks and contribute normally again soon.


Trying to be invisible

Ever since I am staying at my brother in law’s place I am feeling welcome but not always at ease. I started to investigate why. There are many factors playing a role here. I’ve been offered a place to stay in the center of a city giving me more opportunities while searching for a new job. It is now already the 26th day of my staying here and I have no job yet. There is one serious job opportunity and I just had a job interview, soon to be followed by athe next round. I applied for several jobs and got just a few replies back. Though times to get a job and in my case extra challenging due to my age (45) and the effects of the economic recession. So, it is hard working and trying to spot the right opportunities.

The fact I still do not have a job and the fact time is racing makes me feel uneasy once in a while. Until when am I welcome in this house? Are they already fed up by my presence? Oh, I wished it was all over and I could live again with my family. Not that I really miss them since I speak to them every day over Skype, it is the uneasy feeling of not being able to tell how log this situation is going to last. Everybody around me ‘hopes’ I will find a job soon and tell me they will cross their fingers (hoping they would not face the same situation themselves some time in future?).

This feeling of uneasiness is mainly generated by myself because I have an ideal picture and I see I am not fitting into it. I am sometimes trying to convince myself that I am in a bad situation and that I should be ashamed of it. But it is nothing more than a consequential outflow of what I have created myself and there is no other way out of it than walking this process step by step. So I stop blaming myself and will focus on getting the most out of the situation I am actually living in, step by step, breath by breath.

Today, while traveling back from my brother’s place, I was thinking how I could delay my arrival at my brother in law’s house as much as possible in order not to be a nuisance during the weekend. This was confirming my feeling of not wanting to be there, thus not wanting to face a consequential outflow of my own actions. The solution is very simple and straight forward. I will have to discuss the length of my stay and the conditions so everybody can agree on it and no false expectations or back chats are created. I tend to postpone this point of discussion until I know the outcome of the interview, and it certainly makes sense to do so. What scares me is the idea I am not getting the job. This will mean that there is again no clarity in the length of my stay. Every day that passes is making the equation more critical since we are running out of money and it is already money that was given to us to help us in our situation.

So it is very important to keep my feet on the ground, stay focussed and direct all I can in finding any kind of job that will generate some income and help us out of this situation. Interestingly enough it is still difficult when there is a job opportunity. Am I going to accept a low wage job that just generates some money but not enough to support my family or do I wait until I have a decent job that will give me a decent income? Needless to think out scenario’s here but I am tempted to do it. If a situation like this manifests I will have to deal with it in the best way possible using my common sense.

The mind is always trying to plan ahead or better to work out all kind of possible scenario’s so it can fuck me up with my fears. It is strange not to be tempted into these scenario thinking since it feels so empty. But that is just a feeling. Better focus on being here in the moment and act as one as self in every breath. I am regularly tempted not to allow me to focus on my process and convince myself that I should put every single second in efforts that might lead to a job. Happily enough, working on my process is going to make my search for a job more effective and this blog is part of that process.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel less than my brother in law just because of my situation and my incapability of being clear about the length of my stay in his house.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let my mind convince me into all kind of scenario’s instead of focussing myself in being here and now, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to be distracted by thoughts about my possible future without considering real facts and so building up energies that are of any use in improving my actual situation.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself that I accept to become scared of the consequential outflow of my own actions instead of keeping the mind clear and walk the point effectively.

Everything seems new to me

it is now more than two weeks ago that I arrived in the Netherlands to dedicate 100% of my time in finding a new job, and ever since I am here I experience many things as if I never lived in this country before.

Yes, there are things that changed over time like the chip card used for public transportation. But many things did not change over the last 6 years and nevertheless I experience them as new. Actually it is a kind of awkward experience that I need to ask how the most elementary things work. Today I helped my brother in law to dispose of paper and glass bottles. We had to drive to a nearby collection point and I was surprised and at the same time I vaguely remembered that glass here is separated by color.

In many ways my living again in this country is showing me how 6 years can wipe out a lot of things. Actually, wipe out is not the proper way to describe it, it is more suppressing. I have been suppressing typical Dutch ways of doing and systems in order to accept the systems in the country I wanted so badly to be as good or even better that the country I left. Now, bit by bit I am returning into a civilization that is a lot more effective in many ways.

I had to come to the conclusion that some things I am experiencing these day I never had seen or recognized or lived before. it is as if I have been incapable of living fully my life in this country during the 22 years that precede my emigration to Italy. It all started with a painful integration in 1985 and I apparently never got over the shock. I stayed in my mind and kept saying to myself that one day I will return to the country where I have been able to live in a pleasant way. What I did not consider was that in that same year I left my home to live on my own in a country I only knew from my summer holidays.

So, it is actually fascinating to really live now in this country and see all the things around me as if I am a baby and need to learn everything from scratch. It is for me a great opportunity to make a new start and not bring with me any burden that is generated by my mind in the form of memories or experiences. I really enjoy the way I can be when interacting with people. I see that my attitude open and without any expectation or opinion is producing very nice and valuable moments. This is a great plus when in a position of searching for a job and having to properly explain my skills and added values.

Even though I am separated from my family I am really enjoying this period and although it is a stressful situation where I have limited time to make an income I am, day by day, deciding in the moment, with the tools and information I have at disposal, what I can do best to get the most out of situation.

Self esteem

The main focus I have right now in my life is to find a job as quickly as possible. That is quite a task, especially if you are already 45 years old and people around you tell you there is very little interest for people my age. A couple of days ago I met someone that was able to provide me with some contacts and give me an update of how things are going in the specific business I am focussing at. He told me that in the many companies he’s seen he noticed that there is a strong reluctance in hiring people of a certain age because managers are afraid these ‘older’ people are not so influenceable and flexible as their younger counterparts. He even said companies prefer to hire younger, unexperienced people than more experienced, older people just for the sake of avoiding resistance or strong influence in case of decision making processes.

Although I know I am not very young anymore, I tend to see my age as an added value, and this story was not very nice to hear but certainly reflecting the truth. The result of this is that the normal way of applying for a job will probably not lead to success very rapidly, what I need is to be recommended by someone who trusts me to be a right candidate for a specific job. Although age discrimination is forbidden by law, the reality is just showing that if you when you apply for a job when are over 40 you will hardly even get an answer or not even a confirmation they received your message.

I experienced that these reality checks tend to shake me, to swing me between being confident in finding a decent jog again and not being able to earn a living. On top of this there is some pressure caused by the fact I have practically no income while I am working full time on finding a job, a situation that is causing me and my family to depend on others financially until I can take care of myself again. So, on one side I try to as less of a burden as possible for those that are facilitating my searching activities and on the other hand I need to express as a self confident person when contacting possible recruiters.

I am am getting a lot of help from old friends and family, which is very reassuring and comforting but at the end I will be the one that need to do it and take the opportunities that are given to me. I see that on this point I have changed compared to the past. I was much more picky on what people tended to offer me as nice opportunities. Now I am able to evaluate in common sense the offer and give immediate feedback in order to avoid false hope for the me and the others involved.

Another experience I had recently was while editing my resumé. I decided to insert the recommendations on the resumé I am sending around to people helping me in making connections. While inserting these recommendations I started reading them and was almost overwhelmed by a feeling of happiness, as if I was longing for these positive comments about me in a working context with others. Although I know very well what my skills are, I clearly longed for confirmation. As if I needed to boost my self esteem in order to feel good about myself and get energy from it to go on.

Thanks to the fact I am in my Desteni I Process I know this is a swing between polarities and I am definitely aware of this mechanism and managing to avoid these swings since they are not real but only happening in my mind. It seems very boring but there is no need to feed my self esteem positively in order to feel better and be able to do things I might not have done while being in a state of low self esteem and feeling powerless. Although very tempting it is in my own interest to remain stable in all ways. In being stable I will be able to be productive and ready for any situation all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take energy from the positive feeling I got when reading the recommendations of former colleagues and employers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at others that have a job wondering why it is possible they have a job and I do not. This is self pity and jealousy that is not helping me, therefore I stop this and bring myself back to self, here and now.


The fear of facing my fears

Until not long ago I was convinced that I had very few fears if not any fear at all. Well. I had to redefine the word fear for myself to find out I have fears. Interesting about this part of my process is that I found out there are many things I suppress very successfully probably all along my life. The consequences of this general suppression of emotions, feelings and memories is that I think to have lived a youth without big issues since I have not many vivid memories about it, especially negative ones. Now that I think of it, it is an inherited ‘feature’ I have. I remember that also my father tended to forget negative experiences.

By walking my process of freeing myself from the Mind this is a very important step. It took me almost half a year to continue with my assignment about fears just because I always had something more important to do. Bullshit of course, but I managed to delay it for many months until I recently stopped it and found out that is was not difficult at all to face my fears if done in self honesty.

Now I’ve managed to come over this point, that apparently was not only linked to my assignment but to many other issues, I start to see a lot of things more clearly. One of those is my frustration about the fact others always seem to have so many memories about the past. The same applied to the fact they were feeling strong emotions in many cases were I in comparable cases did not recall any emotion or feeling worth to remember. As if a physical obstruction has been taken away full memories of events and the connected emotions and feelings are coming back. It is fascinating to see how everything interconnects. The fact I was blocked on the assignment had to do with a much larger point I had to face and it took me several months to come to the point of seeing it. I’ve made a new step in cleaning up the mess I made in my life until now.

Coming back to fears, my main fear is related to money, a lack of money that every time comes to a climax and settles again for a while but never seems to get away. It is all a consequence of decisions made in the past that were not made in  a self honest way. Not being honest with myself caused me to accept and allow situations with a specific consequential outflow, the consequences I am living through now. The nice thing is that I have been the one accepting and allowing al of this and I am also the one that can stop it.

Facing my fears is facing myself, learning to know myself and forgiving myself for what I have accepted and allowed in my life. I feared facing my fears but I had to come to the conclusion that there is nothing scary about it. It is part of the process I am walking and it is giving me several topics I can use to write about in a process of writing it out in order to get insight and take my responsibilities on that point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to face my fears preventing myself of doing a necessary step in my process of freeing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find excuses and motivations in order not to go on with my assignment and therefore delaying the process of taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ignore my memories, my feelings and my emotions and therefore convincing myself that I did not have memories which enabled me to live without the burden of these memories.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my feelings and emotions just by considering them as unnecessary and a nuisance and threatening the apparent harmony of the situation/moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my memories by convincing myself I had none so I was free from having to take responsibility for my actions in the past and my created experiences in the future, sabotaging the process of taking self responsibility.


Why isn’t equal money a violent revolution?

The first thing that pops up in my head when I hear the word ‘revolution’ is the “Prise de la Bastille”, an event that is remembered every year in France the 14th of July. If you have a look at history you see that mankind has known many revolutions. Apparently these revolutions were followed by a change, but was it the change the revolutionary people had in mind? At first sight and if you believe what the history books tell you, yes. But when you start analyzing any post revolutionary period you see clearly that either nothing changed or that it even got worse.

If we look at the Occupy movement we see that it is leading nowhere. Or actually it is and it is more scary than you would like. If you have a close look at the events you clearly see that Occupy and therefore many other revolutions are eventually starting as a peaceful way but always escalating to violence. Any kind of revolution attracts violent elements often with the help behind the scenes of powers that use these revolutions to get a better control over the masses. When a revolution is escalating specific measures need to be taken in order to suppress the revolutionary people. So every revolution will contribute to a society with less freedom of movement and expression.

That is why Equal Money will not be preceded with a revolution. It is about evolution, a different kind of evolution. A real evolution that is going to accelerate the process mankind is going through now. Evolution is becoming a kind of education that happens though a mechanism of resisting first what is best for all than embracing it and again resisting and embracing what is best for all. Building up the pressure will accelerate evolution and lead to a quicker change avoiding that humanity has to go through long periods of suffering.

We can clearly see that situations are escalating more rapidly over the last couple of years. Everything seems to happen at a faster pace. In this incrementing tempo we as humanity will go through our resistances and embracing of what is best for all until we finally will set ourselves free from our limitations. Look at how society is organized now and how it was also in the past. All our society models are limiting us dramatically wether it is capitalism, socialism, communism… all are limiting us by controlling us to ensure that only a few can benefit from the slavery of many others.

It is time to set us free from all our limitations and ideas within the narrow frameworks we have imposed to ourselves. It is time for joy and freedom. And since it will not be given to us we will give it to ourselves. Join us at Desteni and find out how you can give yourself joy and freedom in a world where there is only one rule: what is best for all.

Watch the related video at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfsqPQxCjfE

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Belief is deception

Last week I posted an article on my Italian blog. The article is a reaction on a slideshow that was sent to me by an acquaintance. I was one of he many receivers of this mail. After having viewed the slideshow I understood why it was forwarded to a whole bunch of people. Besides the fact the recipients could be found in the “To:” field of the mail instead of the “Bcc:” compromising the privacy of other people’s mail address, I wanted to analyze the message in the slideshow in common sense working out the real motivations and consequences.

The slideshow is about the benefits of fruit and about how fruit should be eaten. The point of view is very Italian and the storyline reminds me the average early morning television show where every day a different topic is chosen to be promoted. The first slide supposes you haven’t a clue about eating fruit stating: “To learn how to eat fruit is very important” and “Fruit is a very important nutrient” and goes on stating that it takes very little energy to digest and gives a high return to the body. The second slide states that glucose is the the only nutrient that is making you brains work properly and that the fructose can be transformed easily into glucose and that the high water content takes care of rinsing the body. The next slides tells the reader that the majority of people does not know how to eat fruit and that it is digested by the small intestine and should be eaten before anything else. If eaten later it might start fermenting. At a certain point there is a quote from a Cardiologist stating that fruit is the best food we can eat to protect the body against heart diseases and jumps to the Chinese and Japanese who use to drink hot drinks with their meals concluding you never should drink ice cold drinks since the cold is slowing down digestion. Hot drinks improve digestion and can even help us to loose some weight! Then there is a sudden end to the story with a last slide quoting a cardiologist (no name this time) who says: “If everybody receiving this message is sending it to 10 other people we can be sure to save at least 1 life” and closes with: “I did my part”. If I read this message again I read that you might save at least one life even if we send it to hundreds or even thousands of people… It is a statement with an “if” and a “might”, so it has no real value.

It is not the first time I receive a message like this one but I never took a moment to look at it thoroughly to study the message and to figure out the consequences and/or impact on others. To me this slideshow is a collection of quotes and statements that seems to be carefully chosen because of the trigger points they use. It is not clear where the slideshow originates from, the fascinating part is to see that the message on the last slide motivates the reader to take a chance and get a feeling of “I’ve done something good today, I’ve contributed in saving a life” without seeing it is most unlikely they will by sending around this message, not seeing all the other consequences of sending around emails to lots of people. The good feeling thus prevails over taking responsibility for an action.

By commenting on that mail and writing a blog about it I took my responsibility and deal with the reactions I had when reading the mail and the slideshow, providing a different point of view and showing how I deal with this kind of messages. I realize I can only be an example to others and have to be patient regarding to others opening themselves to a more conscious way of dealing with information.