No U-turn allowed

no-U-turnThis blog is analyzing the origins of specific points of which I am walking the consequences right now in my day to day life. A U-turn to go back in time to correct or change my decisions is no option, so I will have to investigate specific moments in my past to be able to understand and correct myself here and now. Only so I will be able to stop ever returning patterns.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago

– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house

– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job

– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes

– Sold our house for less money than expected

– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house

– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house

– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was

– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company

Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)

– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago
– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house
– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job
– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes
– Sold our house for less money than expected
– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house
– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house
– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was
– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company
– Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)
– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

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Depression

Yesterday, while drinking a cup of tea, my mother in law told me a story of a friend of hers who has a daughter diagnosed with a serious form of depression. The woman is apparently very pretty looking and, while in her early thirties, is already in her third relationship. As a teenager she already showed symptoms of depression and among other therapies she was sent as au pair to Switzerland where she had a great time.

Typical of her behavior while being depressed were periods of intense fear wherein she always claimed her mother to come over to help her, resulting in the fact the mother had to travel for a couple of hours to co go her daughter’s house to find a scared daughter not willing to do anything. She also showed periods with a complete opposite behavior where she was very active, almost over active and almost uncontrollable, capable of doing very weird things.

At a certain point she had a relationship with an older man who already had children. He cared very much about her and helped her going to doctors and psychiatrists which resulted in nothing else than prescribing medication to suppress the symptoms of her behavior. This relation did not last for obvious reasons and because the two sons of this man where difficult to manage and because the woman wanted her own child.

Not long after she was into another relation, this time with a man from india who was aiming at having a child and only three months after they met she was already pregnant. Because of the woman’s behavior and the man’s attitude the relationship already became difficult during pregnancy and after the child was born the man started claiming the child and is doing whatever he can to have the woman locked away in a mental institute. Not being able to cope with the situation the man is known to have beaten the woman regularly.

While all this was going on the woman had her regular periods of fear wherein she always claimed her mother to help her and to take care of her child. Since she was living at some distance from her parents they decided to look for a home in the same town, making it easier to help her when necessary. At the moment she is in her third relationship with a nice man who obviously fell for her very good look.

While my mother in law was telling this story I talked about the fact that the woman’s behavior was quite abusive for the people around her and my mother in law had to agree on that point. She told me that after all these years both the woman and her parents accepted the idea there was nothing they could do about this situation and that it will remain this way for ever.

It is interesting to see that if there is no cure for a specific illness, and more specifically a mental illness, people tend to accept the situation and try to control it with medication. If our medical system is not able to provide a cure we simply accept there is no cure. Doing so we accept being abused by people who are stuck in the mind and are not even willing to change that situation because they are addicted to their behavior wherein they tend to claim and control the persons they live with and their family.

With proper coaching and assistance to work on self responsibility within life situation like these could be improved and even avoided. While now the whole situation is fed by fears and reluctance to changes on one side and accepting abuse just because you are dealing with your daughter or partner the whole situation could be changed if everybody started to look at themselves in self honesty and really started to take each their own responsibilities. This process is made easier using the tools and information found at Desteni. For who is specifically interested in the subject follow this link to a series of video’ son Youtube.

Crashed again

It seems as if it we like to have crashing computers in our house. Some time ago we had the computer of S. that started to give problems and in the meantime I had two crashes, a real one and one that was the consequence of the other.

This should be absolutely embarrassing for a Mac user like me. It probably would have been, many years ago, when I was always very fond of being a Apple Macintosh addict. And it is true, I actually never had any problem unless it was caused by myself due to playing around and trying new things. I see clearly this rule still applies since it was again me having installed two operating systems on my computer (Mac OS X and Ubuntu). For some reason Ubuntu one day failed to exit from a  sleep situation due to a severe damage to the file system (still no idea how that could have happened).

Until there no big issues, all the files I use are in my Gmail accounts and in a ‘cloud’, accessible from anywhere. I had to sort out the fact half my HD remained unused, so I decided on Friday night to do something about it. In an attempt to restore the partition I caused the problem to affect the whole HD. I was left with a computer that would not start anymore.

No panic or cold sweat this time although I was not prepared for a fail this big risking to loose some data on the Mac side I did not back up yet. Apparently I panicked since I was convinced the computer failed even to start from CD. Later I found out I just used the wrong key combination to force the mac to start from CD.

To restore the situation I had to rescue the data on my HD and to do so I had to install an operating system from a bootable external HD. It took many hours to save the data and many more to restore some of it. 24 hours later I am back in business, no dual boot until I find out what caused the problem.

In the research of the cause I will have a close look at myself. I now see there is a pattern that is regularly causing me to get into troubles. Very often it is related to the installation of new software or worse, new or different operating systems. I decided to more over to Ubuntu when I started to work for a company where Linux is the standard. Apart from one specific compatibility issue there was not a real need for me to switch, but I liked the idea, I was tricked by my ‘curiosity’ and wanted to discover something that might have been ‘better’, ‘fater’, ‘cooler’. I had the same kind of experience when I moved from Windows to Mac. I clearly did not learn much from that experience. For years I lived with the idea I was using a superior OS and I felt more and better than all these poor souls that had to suffer with their buggy windos OS.

Now I am living the manifestation of this having to go through my own crashes until I see that my starting point was not a honest one and not based on equality for all. Although it is a complex matter when we look at software, the way it is made, commercialized, intentionally left buggy, etc. on one end and not fully stable, not properly tested and alway under development on the other, at the end the differences are very subtile. What remains are the consequences of actions I perform on my computer that are triggered by motivators that are not sustainable in the context of honesty towards myself and lack simple common sense.

I now again lost a whole day fixing things, time I should have dedicated to other matters like my DIP course.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to be tempted by curiosity and the wish to get the newest version or release instead of making sure my PC remained a stable work tool.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to cause myself losing time instead of focussing on matters that really need to be adressed first.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to panic and not think clear and in common sense when confronted with a situation of possible data loss instead of seeing the real situation and use all I know to properly address the issues.

Hijacked by Escherichia Coli

Since the earliest news items I’ve been kind of monitoring my reactions and thoughts in relation to the E. Coli bacteria. It is really fascinating to see all kind of mechanisms going off by specific triggers.

The first news items were to me a kind of warning. It was something to keep an eye on and take into consideration. Immediately my mind started the survival mode and checked my actual living situation. Very quickly I came to the conclusion I was not living in a situation that could be very prone to this bacteria.

A little later, with all kind of news items on the MSM I started to see a likeness with the H1N1 virus and started to lower my guard since I judged the whole thing as an exaggerated and blown up situation. With this opinion I went on with my daily tasks until the moment came I was again confronted with a news item on this subject.

While discussing the matter with my partner I kept on monitoring my thoughts and while S. decided to toke some measures like peeling the fruit we have for breakfast and washing thoroughly the salad I was still dealing with a mechanism in my mind that was playing down the whole issue because it was a threat far from us living in a small village in the middle of Italy. This same mind, strangely enough, kept on working out other issues clearly based on fear and survival. I started wondering if the water we use for drinking was going to remain safe. It is spring water that comes right from the big mountain in our back yard. Very little chance this E. Coli bacteria is going to be found there but the thought was persistent.

When I had a light cramp in my stomach (just before I had to go to the toilet for a normal ‘shit’) I was worried for a short moment. When I heard that a friend of us, while going home after a stay at our place for a couple of days had nasty cramps in his stomach I started to wonder if he was not having an E. Coli infection. I started to quickly work out scenario’s thinking of what we’ve been eating, what should have happened if the poor guy fell severely ill and eventually died. This even though I know this person has chronic stomach problems. “This is back chat man!” I thought. Potentially I could start giving energy to these thoughts causing them to manifest.

Fascinating to see how easy the mind is triggered into patterns in order to feed the needs of survival, the illusion of uniqueness, fears and so on. How to stop this? Common sense! Using common sense you can approach the situation in a practical way and deal with every issue that comes up in the moment you are faced with it. I am not free of the mind but much more aware of what kind of games the mind is playing with me.

Until so far the Desteni I Process course, the materials I’ve read and the video’s I’ve watched, assisted me in seeing things in commons sense, in the way they really are. This took care of a lot of fear that until then I was regularly experiencing and pushing away just because I did not know how to deal with this emotion. Want to get rid of fear? Join us at Desteni and start reading and watching. Discuss with us about your fears and other issues on the open forum where you will be welcomed and supported.

The power of fear

This morning I was working in the garden and quite for some time I could hear an amplified voice somewhere far away that slowly made me aware of what was going on today. Normally I hear sounds from the sporting facility nearby, but this was different. A long monotone stream of words slowly produced a picture in my mind connecting this sound with a memory (fascinating mind process if you are aware of it). It was a procession with priests carrying a microphone and amplifier saying our loud one prayer after the other, meaningless, automatically spoken words with very little intonation. Not much later the wind carried these words spoken by a child: “…let’s pray”.

The church is a perfect example of how you can manipulate people with fear. For many centuries the church manages to do this fear management in an excellent way and today, as a culminating moment of traditions and power of fear we had the “Cresima” or Confirmation for all young people (age 14) in town. Especially in Italy, but I guess it is the same in many other Catholic countries, the Cresima is seen as an important step in a person’s life, but why? Just because parents see it as a necessary preparation to marriage (since a Catholic is not supposed to get married if he is not Confirmed)?

In the last couple of weeks the kids of my daughter’s age where quite tense. They were preparing for the big day and already anticipating on what this day would bring them. The only thing they needed to do was performing a ritual and as a reward they would get huge presents from not only their parents but also grand parents, aunts and uncles. Modern Italy uses this occasion to confirm these kids into the next religious step: consumerism! Since everybody does it (and I always wonder who started the trend) people tend to buy all kind of gadgets for these youngsters like cell-phones, music players, game consoles, laptops. If that is not enough consumer stimulation there is a trend in purchasing expensive clothes, shoes or sunglasses.

To make the consumer party even better the presents are just a small portion of the whole picture. For the ceremony you need to get dressed in a perfect way, new clothes of course! You need also to buy a present for the “Padrino” and “Madrina” (Godparents) who, as with the baptism, play an important role in the ceremony. Needless to say you need also the “Bomboniera“, or better many of them to give to family and friends attending the ceremony. It does not stop here, since it is a Sunday, in Italy… and around noon, you are as a parent supposed to invite everybody for a traditional lunch, or should I say LUNCH?

Searching the internet I find very little critical notes about this tradition. I know however that there are several people in a difficult situation. They have to spend huge amounts of money and sometimes they need to lend money in order to be able to comply with the expectations society is imposing to them. I also know that not everybody is happy (to say the least) about this kind of traditions. But only few people dare to stop it by not participating anymore. Especially in small villages as the one I am living in this is a huge issue. Not only you are supposed to participate, you are also valued on the presents you give, the food you supply, etc. Not participating in this tradition might cause others to exclude you from their social network, the priest will come over to convince you to reconsider your decision, your family will not be pleased at all.

Apparently there is no choice if you are not really prepared to stand and to say “stop” to all of this. Not participating in this tradition means not being in fear anymore. It means not fearing to be ejected by the society you are living in, not fearing for the consequences of leaving the church since we might get punished by God if we are not faithful anymore. But it is fear driving us to act against ourselves, against our own real interests and the interest of all. In fear we have no common sense and we cannot act in the interest for all.

How can we stop this abuse of ourselves? How can we become aware of what we allow to happen to ourselves and how can we change our own life and the life of all on earth into a better world for all of us? The answer is there but only if you dare!

Follow us at Desteni I Process and Equal Money and learn how to stand for a better life in a better world.

An empty wallet and no way to fill it up…

A couple of days ago I had a discussion over the chat with a friend of mine. In this conversation I recognize fears I had myself many times in the last years while having to find new ways to earn some money. I see how my friend is tricked by the mind and is allowing fear to direct his actions. Out of fear he tends to make deals that are not best for him. He tries to please his client on forehand using deception and giving a message that could be misunderstood and might be difficult to restore.

I’ve done the same thing and tend to do it still now, just out of fear the person that is asking me for my services might not want them any more when I state my price. My recent experience is that if I ask a fair price for the effort I am delivering and I am properly communicating on forehand what my services are going to cost, there is no real issue.

I’ve lost some business doing so, but seen afterwards it was a kind of work that never paid off, I had even to cover expenses I never earned back. I concluded it was better not to make any money than to lose money while hoping I could make some.

It seems that people like the way I am dealing with prices. It might not be the approach they are used to, no special discounts just for them because they are my special client. Just the same price for everybody and everybody gets the same level of service. One of my customers is a tough case. Once she established a price per hour she did not even consider to ask me if I agreed with it. She simply stated that it was the way it was done here in this town. I agreed just because I needed the money and I did not foresee big issues in delivering what she was going to ask me to do. When it came to doing translations I informed her that I was going to ask a different price since it is a job that (within our actual system) is rated as a higher skill job and therefore has another price.

Yesterday I visited this customer to discuss a couple of things and found her being sick. She asked me what she had to pay for the translation but she excused herself for the fact she hadn’t any money on her to pay me. I was left with no other choice than to leave this payment open until the next time. Bad luck since I badly needed the cash for groceries and gas.

Today we had to find a solution. No cash not much left in the pantry to eat. I had to find money before noon.I first worked hard to finish a translation and then I called the customer, and since she wrote me a mail telling me she felt much better I asked her if she was home by mid morning. When finally someone answered the phone it was her father telling me he had no idea when she was coming home. Bummer! Later she called me to ask if I was home in the afternoon. She wanted to come over to pay me. Ouch! I had been thinking all kind of bad things in my secret mind about her not willing to pay me because I might have asked to high prices for my translations… but nothing was true, she even called me in order to come over to pay me.

Nevertheless we needed a plan B. For our friends A and J we are doing several jobs. S decided to finish a part of her job so we could deliver the work and ask money for it. Unfortunately we found out they where out of town and could not make it before noon.

Plan C. Collecting the little money we still had and delaying the groceries one day. I had to go to my job in Fano (60 km trip) this afternoon with someone else that was specifically coming over to travel together with me and I needed to fuel up a little. So, I left with just enough money to buy the fuel I needed to make the trip.

When much later that night I came home and found my customer came over and paid almost the whole amount a part from some small change. Not much later our friend A stopped by and in a hurry she gave me a bunch of banknotes just saying it was and advance for all the work we had to do for her.

At the end of the day we found ourselves with much more money that we counted on. Still an amount to be handled with care, but at least we will be able to go to the shop tomorrow to buy food and fill up the car with the fuel we need to travel around. The only thing that might hinder us tomorrow is snow, we’ll see tomorrow how to deal with that situation.

Manipulation

While I still was deciding what I should write about I suddenly wrote the word ‘Manipulation’. The word popped up while reviewing my experiences of today. So lets have a look at a couple of them. The first one is the freshest experience I had while chatting over Skype with a potential customer. We had already a chat several times and looking back I see a clear path, two individuals fighting to protect their business and doing so trying to manipulate the other to do what we would like the other to do for us. In this specific case it was a hotel business owner that was trying to get the services for the cheapest price possible. While trying he used self pity argumentation like he was only open 6 months a year and that compared to others he could not afford to spend that much.

During the first conversation he stated he had been offered a year long free service on one of the services given by a colleague of mine a year earlier. Since the whole thing seemed to stall on this I finally agreed on 2 sub-services for free but he asked for 10 with a value that was more than a third of the total service value. Using his arguments and waiting he was manipulating me to give in. At the end I agreed but on the condition he would stop using the service of one of our competitors immediately. Doing so I was manipulating him to unconditionally choose for our business. On top of that I used the specialness feeling telling him he got an offer I will never repeat again with anybody and with the same ease I asked him not to reveal our deal to anybody while he was promoting our services to others, this last being a request that helped me to clear my conscience.

Looking back it has been an interesting experience and being aware of the different mechanisms I can take care of not being abused of manipulated and consequently manipulating in return the manipulator. To me this is a clear example of a polarity.

The second example of manipulation is expressed in a mail I received from W. who is offering help by means of money I can use to pay off my debt at the bank. If the message had just been this one, straight and unconditional it would have been just a fact. The mail started stating that it was probably not a very wise thing to do but (as if something is forcing him to do it against his will) I am going to offer you the money you need to pay off your debt. In order to deal with the first statement I had to agree on a couple of conditions in order to get the money.  In these conditions I see a clear attempt to manipulate the situation using the apparent power of money I apparently need so badly I am supposed to accept the conditions unconditionally. Funny to see that people stating they care for you and love you unconditionally are using these manipulative tools to force you in doing what they think is best for you without even considering what is best for all, and therefore for me and for them.

Manipulating each other is making our lives unnecessarily complex, leads to a waste of time and leads to abusive situations. Manipulation starts by not seeing each other as equals. Only by feeling more you can manipulate the lesser and only by feeling less you allow yourself to be manipulated. Understanding this mechanism and not accepting inequality we can stop manipulation and abuse. The only way I see this can be achieved is self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel manipulated by a potential customer instead of considering myself as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself less by accepting to be manipulated by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see no other option than to accept to be manipulated in order to protect my business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to manipulation by manipulating the other and therefore establishing a polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for delaying a response to the mail of W. justifying this by not knowing how to respond in equality and common sense and not knowing how to get the message across.