T-t-t-to the d-d-d-d-dentist!

fear-dental-phobiaTomorrow I have my first real appointment with a dentist in 8 years. I thought I was completely cool with it until I dared to have a real look at my feelings and emotions.

Yes! I am nervous. In the past weeks one of teeth that is going to be pulled started to crumble a little. Although it was a kind of relief since there is now less food that remains stuck in it, I started imagining all kind of nasty cracking sounds the tooth will make when the dentist is pulling the remains of it. Ant those cracking sounds make me shiver, brrrrr!

On the other side, the results of in total three sessions are very appealing. I will have only healthy teeth, no difficult to reach and clean (and not fully grown) wisdom teeth and all old amalgam fillings removed in a non toxic and safe way. On top of that my wobbly bite will be corrected allowing me to chew in a much more effective way, maybe for the first time in my life, leading to a better digestion and a more effective way to digest food.

While searching the web for an image to add to this post I ran into series of ugly and rotten teeth causing me to react in disgust and hope that it is not my mouth that looks that way.

Although I know exactly what is going to happen in my mouth tomorrow, I need to work on a couple of reaction I have and the thoughts I am creating inspired by the subject. In order to prevent my mind to work on the actual teeth pulling and drilling I am pointing out my reactions in the following statements:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress the feeling and emotions I have related to this dentist visit in an attempt to push away nasty thoughts and not having to deal with them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary scenario’s of how the extraction of the tooth will be even if I have no real memories nor experience with it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how the extraction will sound and already getting the shivers as a reaction to the imaginary cracking sounds.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to focus on the tooth extraction and drilling and the inconvenient pains afterwards and not really consider that these interventions are going to have a whole series of positive effects on my health and well being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience fear for the pain I might feel after anesthetics stop working while making this pain something much bigger than the real pain I will have to go through.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to pictures of rotten teeth with disgust while projecting what I see to myself even though I know that I have no such identical situation as shown in the picture.

To drink or not to drink…

Drink_1659224cSome five years ago I decided to stop drinking beverages containing alcohol. The motivation behind this decision had many aspects. As part of the process I was in at that moment I had asked myself why I was drinking a glass of wine or beer almost every day. Since the answer was “I don’t honestly know, probably because I am used to it”, I started to dig a little deeper.

I was not drinking for social reasons, nor did I do it under peer pressure. I started drinking in my early twenties but never more than just one glass, occasionally two, in combination with a meal. I never had the urge to drink more than a couple of glasses when going out with friends and I never got drunk.

Adding to this the fact I started to react to the alcohol on a physical level, I decided to stop cold turkey. Since my partner already stopped drinking completely a while earlier it was not a difficult decision in private situations. Also in social situations explaining people why I did not drink (anymore) was quite easy using the health related point.

In the past years I have observed on many occasions how people deal with alcohol. It is impressing and scary at the same time. I’ve seen people becoming uneasy and even aggressive only by the thought they would be deprived from their ‘drug’.

So, in a way, I was happy for myself I was not drinking alcohol anymore, it was easy and allowed me to skip looking at all the aspects and dimensions connected to alcohol. On several occasions where I went to parties with other people, I found myself in the role of the non drinking driver. A role I actually liked because it satisfied my need to be the good and caring type of person taking care of other people not any more able to take full responsibility for their actions.

Very recently I decided to try a glass of wine. In my process of stopping drinking alcohol, wine for me degraded into a silly drink made from rotten grapes. A kind of reaction to the fact in the past I could become really enthusiastic about wine in all aspects. I really convinced myself that wine had an awful taste. And that was the truth for some wines I tasted in all those years.

The glass of wine I had was of a good quality and I drank it with a nice meal. I was almost surprised the wine tasted really good in combination with the food and I enjoyed drinking it. I had just one glass of wine as it was enough taste to go well with the food.

I also found I was not any longer reacting to the alcohol and that meant that from now on I can eventually have a alcoholic drink in specific social occasions. I have no interest in going back to a routine, having a glass has to be a nice experience of taste in combination with food.

After this long period without drinking a drop of alcohol and having done research on who I am and how I stand in relation to alcohol I now feel I can make a real choice whether to drink a glass of wine or beer. It is the same choice as any other type of food or beverage where I take in consideration what is good for my body in that specific moment. I know that I will not make a choice based on routine nor due to social or peer pressure. I will simple choose what is best for me.

In the process I went through I have seen several points I have to address properly in order to close the loop. In the following statements I will apply self-forgiveness to point out a specific topic and make sure I ‘reprogram’ myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to distantiate myself from the effects alcohol can have on people. By doing so I am not taking full responsibility regarding the consequences alcohol can have for my body. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the savior of the situation in occasions I was the non-drinking person that could safely drive home others that have been drinking. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indirectly encourage people to choose for drinking a (extra) glass of alcoholic beverage when offering to be their driver for the occasion.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define wine as a drink made from rotten grapes from a perspective of taking distance from wine as being something bad with according emotions, preventing myself to take wine for what it is for me on an emotional level and for my body on a physical level.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of reacting to alcohol on a physical level to justify I was not drinking while avoiding to look at other dimensions related to myself and drinking alcohol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define wine as an evil thing by defining it with diminutive adjectives like ‘rotten’. By doing so I gave wine a negative definition that I used to justify the fact I was not going to drink it anymore. 

Living in a hurry

Alone in the wildernessRecently I watched the documentary Alone in the Wilderness driven by the idea of enjoying beautiful shots of nature and wildlife. The documentary tells a story about a man living in the wilderness of Alaska while building himself a log cabin.

Many shots were about this man building his cabin and suggested he spent hours and hours sawing logs to create beams and even planks. I was impressed with the idea someone could have the courage of sawing by hand endless amounts of wood. I would have got restless and eventually opted for a tool that would have me doing this task faster.

But why? Why do I have this hurry, this rush to do my work in as little time as possible? This man out in the wilderness had only one goal, use the summer to build himself a shelter for the winter. He did his work with dedication and patience and he even explained how to saw, even if you get the feeling there is no end to it: find the right rhythm and stick to it.

I was impressed. That is a great way to approach tasks. Find your best rhythm  to do repetitive movements so they are done in the best way for the tool in combination with your body. I recognize this point. I like to do DIY and now I see that there is a relation to this point of hurry. While working with physical things and being focused on just that specific task I am performing in the best way I can, I do not have this feeling of hurry anymore. As soon as my thoughts drift away and I loose focus the results are less precise and I will get back that sense of hurry.

Day to day life is a chain of events with a constant time pressure, at least, that is the way I experience it. I am in a constant hurry while trying to slow myself down since the stress caused by being in a hurry is not supportive for my health. I am sure this feeling of constant pressure is a root cause of my chronical health issues.

The world we live in is only focusing on getting things done faster. It is as if we are loosing all patience and are more and more in a rush, trying to get things done as quickly as possible. Why? I see a direct relation with money and therefore survival. The more and quicker we work the more money we can make. This will allow us to reach the goal of happiness earlier where happiness is defined as a situation with enough money to live comfortably and without money related sorrows.

In my recent life making enough money to survive and have a decent life has been a source of stress and hurry. Now that I am in a more stable situation I see I can manage to take a deep breath once in a while. I also see that when slowing down my thoughts clear up and my productivity increases exponentially. A tasks I might try to do in a hurry while feeling pressure and causing stress and loss of focus can take up many times more effort and time compared to doing the same task after a deep breath and having slowed down myself.

My real challenge now is to slow down in any moment I feel this urge to hurry. When I take a deep breath, assess the situation in that very moment and then decide how to go on I can deploy my full potential. In order to be effective and really apply this point I use the following self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a sense of rush, preventing myself to be focused and effective with as consequence that I am only adding up to the source of stress instead of taking it away.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not slow down and take a deep breath when feeling tense and loosing focus on the activity I am doing.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety when looking at someone else doing an activity that requires focus, dedication and patience and projecting that situation to myself convincing myself that I would not be able to do the same.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see I can slow down in any moment by taking a deep breath so I can regain my full focus and act according to my fullest potential. 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel the constant pressure of having to hurry in order to perform my tasks while I can live a better, more relaxed, more efficient life by just slowing down and not allowing to be carried away with the sense of rush and hurry that exists in the minds of people around myself.

Anger and frustration – part 2

healthcheckFor context read my previous blog post. Here I will continue with self forgiveness by looking into the points that opened up in my blog.


Suppression

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to quickly switch to action in the moment I was confronted with my daughter’s problem allowing me to suppress emotional reactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the possibility to be self-honest by immediately going into suppression and denial in the moment I was confronted with my daughter’s form problem and the fact I came home with the wrong GP statement.


Anger

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself, when asked for it by my buddy,  to deny I was dealing with anger as a reaction to the wrongly filled in form and the consequences I would have to walk in order to deal with the situation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress the anger that I felt coming up when my daughter told me about the problem with the wrongly filled in form. I immediately focused myself on the actions to take, not allowing myself to breathe, stop and assess the actual situation and my reactions giving myself the opportunity to see and understand how I stand in that situation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider the anger I felt in the different stages I walked through while dealing with the consequences of the form problem of my daughter as something I should ignore/suppress because I see anger as something bad that reminds me of my father’s anger outbursts.


Fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to experience fear when dealing with a situation that threatens the possibility of my daughter having a driver’s license.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fear as one of the emotions triggered by the form problem of my daughter.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to having suppressed very quickly the moment of fear when my partner noticed the GP statement was wrong. Instead of giving myself a moment to acknowledge the reactions I had on that specific situation, I quickly concluded I had to go back to fix the situation since I felt responsible for not having been able to see this mistake myself.


Frustration

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to let frustration “eat” me while I know what I can do to track the cause of the frustration and stop the whole thing all together.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start writing a letter to the GP office based on the anger and frustration that I allowed to build up in myself by suppressing my emotions in the first place.


Inferiority

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as stupid and unfit for the task when my partner pointed out the answer provided by the GP was wrong.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the fact I managed to get the requested answer and eagerness to get what we needed to go to the next step and failed to check if the provided answer was OK or not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of inferiority in the moment my partner pointed out the answer provided was wrong out of a conviction I am not the best person to do these kind of things since they are normally dealt with by my partner.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt I am able to perform any task that is required only because I am making up excuses on why I am eventually not prepared to these tasks, instead of taking responsibility for that specific situation and assess all relevant dimensions and make sure I am properly informed/prepared.


Blame

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have blamed myself that I did not see the GP was writing a wrong statement and even worse that I have not been able to direct the situation so that I could leave with the statement we needed to carry on.

Anger and Frustration

My Life of AngerA few weeks ago I came home from work and found my family gathered in the living room discussing the hot topic of the moment: The soap about my daughter’s driving license.

It all started months ago, when my daughter filled in a form on internet to declare she was physically fit to drive. Unfortunately she made a wrong selection on a question declaring she had a specific medical condition. Only after receiving a request for providing medical files we found out about the mistake. Calling the institution that takes care of these procedures learned we had to provide a declaration by our GP our daughter was fit to drive and that the question was erroneously set to Yes instead of No.

We asked the GP and we found a Physician willing to fill in the paperwork. Unfortunately she did her work according to her interpretation of ‘Doing it properly’ and stated my daughter has had a psychiatric treatment…

“A What?”, was my partner’s reaction after reading the statement. The physician mixed up psychiatric with psychological, not taking into account the second was an imposed ‘treatment’ after a rehabilitation and was irrelevant in the context of the question. The institution was puzzled by the answer and requested even more information. They contacted the physician who decided to give even more medical information, without notifying my daughter first and therefore breaking the privacy rules and causing an even greater confusion. To make the whole thing even worse, at the GP the head physician had told my daughter they were not willing to collaborate and not willing to provide any statements related to this case and driving licenses. Remember, it all started with a wrong click on an electronic form…

After these last developments I became angry and frustrated. In this mood I decided to write a letter to the GP office to set things straight.

That same evening I had a chat planned with my DIP buddy and discussed this point. I am glad we did! After a few minutes I could see I was into a huge reaction, not the best mood to work on a constructive solution.

Writing a letter in reaction, where the purpose was to blame the GP for not collaborating and telling them that they should take their responsibility for their actions seems right in the first place. But, if you realize it all started because of a mistake on your side… there is no point is starting to blame the other, even if their actions caused more troubles. The only commonsensical way to go from here is not to go into reaction, since it will decrease the chances of cooperation by others.

Since there is no way to go back and ‘correct’ the points that went wrong, the only way forward is to assess the actual situation and start from there.

Well, we did! We found another physician willing to check my daughter and declare her to be in good health. So, that hurdle is taken and the process can now go on.

End of story…eh, not really. Since this experience is perfect to have a look at my reactions, my buddy helped me through a series of points.

Why was I so angry when I learned the physician refused to cooperate? Winding back to the starting point:

Was I angry when I found out my daughter made a mistake while filling in the form? “No” was my first answer. My buddy pushed the point to make sure I was self-honest on this. I am glad he did. Going back to the very moment I learned about the mistake I see I was not allowing myself to react in anger or react at all. I suppressed any emotion in a split second and started thinking on a (quick) solution to the problem.

While analyzing this very point I learned I was dealing with fear, very obvious fear about the possibility my daughter wasn’t able to get a driving license and all the consequences, not only her not being able to travel on her own but also self-interest while having to drive her to her appointments.

All this in a split second! But it was there and if I am not dealing with it, the possibility is high I will go through a same kind of experience the next time something similar comes up.

So, my anger was a consequence of fear resulting in frustration. What to do about it?

The answer is self forgiveness. By forgiving myself to have accepted and allowed myself to accept all related dimensions I am able to pinpoint the source of my emotions, understand the triggers and stop the consequences. The next time I am in a similar trigger situation it will be easier to see how and why I react and eventually suppress feeling and emotions so I can direct myself in a more effective way and avoid going into a loop and repeating my experiences again and again.

In my next blog post I am going to write out the self forgiveness points related to this story.

Fear of Money

Money-FearFor some time in the past months, I thought I could live in a quite tranquil way with not too many worries related to money. At least I thought! Apparently I stuffed away feelings and emotions related to money directly or indirectly. This became evident when I started to take action in order to get back the rental guarantee deposit of 1000 euro we already should have been paid back a couple of months ago. I sent several mails to the rental company without getting any answer. Bad sign. Especially when I started to do a research on internet to find that I was not the only one waiting to be paid (back) by this company. And if you can find similar cases on the internet you know you’ve just seen the tip of the iceberg.
By doing this by all means necessary research I was building up some specific energy trying to suppress many thoughts like “what if I do not manage to get back the guarantee sum?”. Extra emotions loading in this case since I have a similar situation with the landlady of the room I rented for a month until I hurriedly left the house since it became impossible for me to live there. The result was that I paid 500 euro guarantee deposit and a month rent plus a month paid upfront and until today I did not manage to get back the deposit. The landlady most probably left the country and rented the house to someone else. I am still asking myself if I should try to get my money back or that it is useless to put any effort in this. Every time our household is frustrated by lack of enough money to do what we should normally able to do I think of this point I have not been able to close properly. I still believe there should be a way to get my money back.
In all occasions, it has been enough to think about writing or calling the landlady or rental company or reading a reply from the latter to find myself with a heart beating like hell and become short breathed. Although I manage to get hold of myself quickly these situations repeat themselves every time. It became better when I decided to take a specific action. I wrote a mail CC-ing to all addresses I could find of the rental company explaining to them the consequences for us as a family for not getting back the money. This, to my surprise, led to an answer from their side asking for specific paperwork to prove everything was handled properly on payments for electricity and water and a couple of other things. When that was done I finally got a call from a bank stating I was going to be paid back in six terms since the company is in financial troubles. I agreed under protest.
Not seeing any payment after this call I contacted the bank and finally got the first payment but not the expected amount. I wrote an email to the rental company asking them to give proof they spent money on cleaning since that was the money they deducted from the caution. After a second mail with a clear explanation of the consequences for them to ask money for services not executed (with proof they could never have done the cleaning) I finally had the difference wired to my bank account. The cool thing here is that I managed to be stable while writing the second mail and therefore managed to produce something that was clearly understood. This should prove to me I am able to stand in specific situations also situations related to money. What I need to do is to get rid of the fears related to money.

Lets see what fear points I can recognize. I will start with the triggers.
* E-mail messages from people or institutions I am dealing with in relation to money

* Telephone calls from people or institutions related to money

* Letters from the tax authorities

* Checking my bank account (fear to find out there is even less money than expected)
How can I address these fear points? By debunking them. What I see is that if I manage to leave no open threads or loose ends I can avoid that things I pushed away with the idea that I can not handle them (due to a lack of money  for instance) will represent themselves finding me unprepared to deal with them. It is not fully taking responsibility for all I do.
Why do I tend not to take full responsibility is actually a point of making myself victim of a situation, in this case I see myself as a victim of the fact I do not have enough money to pay all my bills. This is made even stronger by the fact I am waiting for money from others that could have avoided the fact I am in trouble.
The solution here is simple. Instead of pushing away the fact I need to do something with it and wait for better times I can figure out how to inform people about the situation and make sure everybody knows what is going on. Then I could put some pressure on those that owe me money like I did with the e-mail to the rental company.
But what about my heart beating like hell when seeing a mail from my parents. It is not this way any more but for quite some time I could not see a mail from my parents in my inbox without having a strong reaction to it. I even postponed the reading of the mail until I calmed down a bit or when having a quiet moment to read it, never in between. I experienced the same with mails from the rental company, and in some other occasions too. The general factor I see here is that all this is money related. The relation with my parents is very much based on money. If there were troubles or misunderstanding it was always directly or indirectly related to money. It has been so bad that even when we really needed some help as a family just to cover simple living expenses like buying food we would not ask my parents for money.
The question is why is there all this energy connected to money. On one side I see it all starts with the fear of not having (enough) money and since I experienced what it means to have no money, even if it is for a couple of days, the experience is humiliating in a practical way. Without money you can to anything, you can not go anywhere, on a bicycle eventually, no groceries or very limited, no socializing in public places, not invite people to your place since you can’t offer them anything. A kind of paralysing effect. It is in a way as if you are dying. So, the real fear is the fear of death. If you rationalize the situation (afterwards) you see that there is a long way to go between the for your experience so threatening experience and real death but it is definitely an experience linked to death.
Another point is that you start questioning yourself why you of all people on earth are the one to experience this. Is it my fault? Where did I miss the point, where did it go wrong? Why am I in this position? It starts to become an existential crisis on top of the misery of not having money. No work, no social life, plenty of time to think… Only yourself to blame and an ego not allowing you to admit you are the real and only cause of it. Until you start admitting and accepting that you are the cause and the solution of the situation. It was interesting when we started to share with people our situation that we got all kind of help from some people. The fact we were not ashamed of our situation was the first step to get out of it. To get to this step you will have to start being honest with yourself. The Desteni tools helped us a lot and although the way to a stable financial situation is still a matter of perseverance and patiently waiting until we are realigned with the system, we now see that we changed our situation and will not fall back to the same troubles without being able to recognize the pitfalls and knowing what to do to avoid repeating the same situations.
As mentioned before, self-honesty is very important in the process of clearing up situations and loopings.
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1. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep a certain hope I will manage to get back the money from my landlady although I know that most probably any effort is going to lead to more frustration.

When and as I see myself participating in a belief that holding on to a hope will eventually lead to results, I stop and breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this point any further. I realize that I know the beginning and the end of this pattern as I have walked this pattern and I see where it leads. I also realize that there is no reason for me to participate within the pattern of hoping to get back the money as it is clear that, looking at this specific situation in all possible aspects, the landlady is not going to pay. Therefore I stop and do not participate.

I see, realize and understand that the hope something is going to happen is just a mindfuck and has nothing to do with reality. Therefore I see I am manipulating myself with a belief that is distracting me from being self-directive and use my common sense in how to move on in life. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
2. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let my mind to fantasize about how I am going to put pressure on my landlady in order to get her to see she is causing damage to others and to motivate her to pay the money back.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that fantasizing about how specific things eventually might happen based on hope, I stop and breathe and do not allow myself to participate in this point any further. I realize that I know the beginning and the end of this pattern and as I have walked this pattern and I see where it leads. I also realize that there is no reason for me to participate within the pattern of fantasizing on how I could eventually change the behaviour of specific people, therefore I stop and do not participate.

I see, realize and understand that allowing the mind to take over that what I believe is reality is deceiving and fooling myself. Therefore I see I am allowing the mind to take over and prevent myself to see live in its full extent. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

 

3. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to make a detour on my way home just to see If there is somebody home in the house of my landlady as if I am hoping to bump into her so I meet her ‘by accident’ and create an occasion to remind her of her duties.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that going back to places that hold memories in the hope they will cause things to move into a desired direction, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where this pattern leads to as I have walked it already. I stop and do not participate in it as I realize that there is no reason for me participating in mind created scenarios, as I know they most probably will not play out as I imagined.

I see, realize and understand that going back to specific locations that refer to situations I have not wrapped up in the hope this will cause a movement towards the desired and plotted outcome I am actually deceiving myself. Therefore I see I am allowing myself to believe I am able to create reality scenario’s even if they are based on self interest. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
4. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to accept that the fact I will get my rental caution deposit back from my landlady is improbable and any effort put into it is useless.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that continuing to put effort in actions that clearly and seen in common sense will not lead to any result, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. Therefore I stop and do not participate in it as I realize there is no reason for me holding on to the idea that getting my money back from the landlady is still possible.

I see, realize and understand that keeping on pushing a point beyond a commonsensical boundary is not going to change the outcome. Therefore I see I am allowing me to remain stuck in a point so I allow the mind to play games with me. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
5. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to have checked all options I have in my power to communicate with my landlady in order to remember her of the fact I still get money from her.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have not gone over all possible options just because I did not manage to achieve that specific goal and not considering all dimensions involved, I stop and I breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate in this pattern of being uncertain of the fact I used all possible options to communicate with my landlady as I realize there is no reason for me to do so.

I see, realize and understand that when checking when in a specific situation, after I have gone through all possible options and dimensions, I did not achieve a specific goal, I start doubting If I have gone through it properly. Therefore I see I am actually doubting myself allowing a escape possibility to justify why I need to hold on to a specific point instead of closing it. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
6. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel the energy building up while writing self-forgiveness sentences about this topic with in my mind going over all options left pending that I still consider as an option to get that money.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that holding on to beliefs I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it several times before. Therefore I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of allowing myself to build up energy (fed by the fear of lack of money and the hope this is a way to get some money) as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that holding on to beliefs is a way of self-deception and distraction preventing me to properly focus on the points in life I need to address. Therefore I see I am actually using beliefs as a way to escape my responsibilities. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
Worries:

7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel worried in relation to money expressing so the fact I did not take appropriate action to avoid that specific situation in the moment by not fully understanding the responsibilities I had to take when making specific money related decisions. And therefore I use the feeling of worry as an excuse to not take full responsibility for money related decisions.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have to feel worried when it comes to making money related decisions causing myself not to take full responsibility on that specific point I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of feeling worried and insecure when having to deal with money related decisions as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by feeling worried/uncertain in relation to how to deal with money actions and decisions I am avoiding/postponing the point of having to face reality and then take an appropriate action that might reveal points of myself I have not be (self-) honest with towards myself and others. Therefore I see I am actually abusing the fact to feel worried to hide myself and to be self-honest. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Stuffed away:

8. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stuff away, bury, ignore, push away feeling and emotions related to money and anything that had to do with money related matters and actions. In doing so I am denying myself the possibility to research the cause of these feeling and emotions preventing myself to take action and stop them effectively, freeing myself from an unnecessary burden and distraction in my mind and allowing myself to focus effectively on actions to take.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that by stuffing away any emotion and feeling in relation to money I manage to avoid consequences related to money I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of pushing away money triggered or related feeling and emotions as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by suppressing emotions/reactions related to my relationship with money, I am potentially creating a time bomb that is eventually going to explode. Therefore I see I am actually avoiding to face myself in relation to money and therefore creating unnecessary consequences for myself and my family. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Not letting go:

9. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the point of hoping to get back money from the landlady while failing to see I have a starting point of hope driven by the need to have this money to solve a shortcoming while not seeing this is all based on unrealistic idea’s and not facts and that focussing on other points with a greater chance of success makes much more sense.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that by hoping and holding on to a specific point will finally lead to a desired outcome I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of having hopes based on unrealistic idea’s as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

10. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the fact of not having enough money to buy groceries and therefore not being able to feed my family and myself properly, decently or at all, risking to become hungry, as something that might us to eventually starve, starve to death!

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that not having enough money to buy food for my family and myself causing myself to become blinded by fear I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in allowing fear for death to blind myself as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting fear to blind and blur my abilities to stand as one as life, I am compromising the well being of myself and my family by not using my resources in the best way I can to move myself to a better life. Therefore I see I am actually not taking my responsibility for my life and the situation I am living in. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
11. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the fact others owe me money as an excuse to delay payment of my bills and so delaying and expanding the ripple effect of the non-payment effect while in at the same time seeing no way out to avoid this situation in the moment itself and therefore blaming myself not having taken timely action to avoid stranding in this situation with no financial buffers and becoming so a amplifier of actions of others instead of being able to stop this.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that there is no other way to deal with a shortage of money then using the excuse for delaying my payments to others because others are delaying payments to me, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of using the fact others are not paying me in time) to delay payments to others instead of having taken my responsibility by anticipating this possibility and using buffers to stop this snowball effect as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting that the the lack of money justifies the fact I am not able to pay for my debts. Therefore I see I am actually using the excuse that others have to pay me before being able to pay what I am due to pay. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
12. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have fear of not having (enough) money to be able to go anywhere thus feeling limited in my freedom and therefore experiencing the lack of money as a limitation of my freedom, as an imprisonment of myself in the prison of poverty, self-blame, failure.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that a shortage of money is a definite and unconditional limitation of my freedom of movement, leading myself in the belief of being held in the prison of poverty, self-blame and failure, I stop and I breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of self-blame when dealing with money shortage as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting that money is the only tool/resource that will allow me to move myself in my life. Therefore I see I am limiting myself by setting up non existent boundaries in my mind and believe they are real. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
13. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the fact of not having enough money to be able to socialize in public places because I might come into the situation I might to have to offers someone a drink, this leading myself into a social isolation and finally to become fully ignored by society.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that a shortage of money leads to a limiting myself in being able to socialize in public places and therefore putting myself in a social isolation, I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of fear for isolation due to lack of money as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by allowing money to control my ability to socialize I am actually allowing money to be the directive point in what I can do/express. Therefore I see I am limiting myself and creating a situation of stall and self-blame. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
14. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the fact of not having money as paralyzing by identifying myself as money instead of standing as myself as who I am as a being.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I am equal to the money I own with all limitations as an outflow of this belief I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate any longer in the pattern of identifying myself as money as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by seeing myself equal to money I am limiting myself and within this limiting the people I interact with, I share my life with. Therefore I see I am actually using money as an excuse of not being able to take my responsibilities. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Self blame:

15. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wonder why I of all people on this earth am the one to be chosen to be in this situation of having no money, blaming myself to be the cause of this all while I fail to see that my starting point is self blame and seeing myself as money and therefore limiting myself into impossible boundaries, actually imprisoning myself in my own thoughts and opinions.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I am the chosen one to be in this ‘special’ situation of having no money I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of self-blame based on my thoughts and opinions  as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that I am using the specialness belief to separate myself from reality. Therefore I see I am actually creating a polarity to create mind energy and distract myself. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Extra emotions while doing research:

16. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to add-on emotions of another situation while looking for background information on the rental company, as if in that way I wanted to make the whole even worse emotion wise and therefore not allowing myself to focus and to stand with that specific point I was doing research on.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that escalating emotions is the best way to deal with problems I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of emotion escalation/improvement/enrichment that is only resulting in a lack of focus as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by letting emotions to build up I am acting in a selfish way and preventing myself to have a clear picture of the real proportion of the matters I am dealing with.Therefore I see am am actually avoiding self-responsibility and feed the mind with energy. Thus i do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Frustration due to a lack of money:

17. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated by the fact I was not able to support my family financially and therefore expressing I was not in control of the situation by seeing myself as a powerless victim not having been able to avoid the situation or even worse, to have willingly ignored or allowed situations to be created that had as an outflow/consequence I had to face the situations I eventually might have been able to avoid.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I can not avoid to become a victim of situations in relation to money I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I do not longer participate in the pattern of seeing myself as a victim of money related situations even though I have created them myself as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by victimizing myself in relation to money I am using self-blame instead of taking full responsibility for the direction in my life. Therefore I see that I am using self-blame as an excuse for not standing as equal as life. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
Fear of death triggered by social and practical limitations due to lack of money:

18. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the limitations of having little or no money as a limitation to life and therefore seeing it as a life threatening point creating a fear of death.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that money limitations are life limitations creating fear of death I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I do not longer participate in the pattern of experiencing money related limitation as a death threat as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that through allowing myself to believe money is equal to life, I am limiting myself in realizing myself and at the same time feeding my self-blame. Therefore I see that I am using money as a way to control my life instead of being self-directing. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.