Mind-blowing deception

What a delusion! I have been a convinced Taurus for all my life only to find out that I actually was an Aries! This is mind blowing! Apparently I could have found out earlier but it was a video yesterday that caused me to wake up…

There have been phases in my life in which I was trying to find answers in the horoscope. I soon found out that at least a part of it was complete bullshit but was willing to believe the character descriptions connected to a specific zodiac sign. Within my Desteni process which is mainly a process of becoming aware of how things really work for now, I already started to questions these beliefs I had. Now I know that the whole Zodiac as it has been brought to us is based on a wrong assumption of facts I can clearly see how easy it is to assume something is ‘real’ just because millions of people are believing it. Also the fact this is actually very old news is confirming the fact we accept to be deceived. But (there is the ‘but’ word) why should we question ourselves if something is the truth in the first place if it looks alright and everybody agrees with it?

I can think of other things that might be compared with this example. For ages we humans work the earth by plowing it and doing so destroying the structure and making it more difficult for worms and bugs to do their thing. If you discuss this matter very often people do not agree using the argument that we are already doing it for ages, so it can not be wrong.

If I start questioning traditions the same happens, and in the worst cases people even feel offended by the lack of respect I show to this specific tradition and that I dare to question if it is something that is good for all. I am still not sure how to handle such situations. I try to avoid discussions since they are based on feeling and emotions. Instead I try to plant little seeds of common sense and awareness that eventually might grow in time.

One thing is for sure, by questioning well settled convictions and opinions you are often seen as someone that is making his life more difficult than necessary. These ‘mind blowing’ news items that are wiping away the pillars of our beliefs and convictions in a single blow are very helpful and I can’t wait for others to come even if I know that I am probably still full of beliefs that I am still not aware of.

The following picture is not up to date anymore!

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 – Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan. 20

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Worried

While talking to my brother last night we discussed among many other points the fact he has been worried about me and my situation for a long time. These worries managed to grow out of any real proportion and contributed in the whole situation we have been going through in the last couple of days.

One of the things my brother told me was that he had been worried on many occasions for situations I have been in, one of those being episodes of bullying at school during a relatively short period. Actually he told me that he has been experiencing being worried for me on many occasions during our life’s. Wow! That must be really fascinating to explore the underlaying mind constructs leading to such a lengthy and suppressed emotion. The fact I had never known of these worries is clearly showing it is not a real thing but something that lived in M’s mind. Only more recently he started to literally say he was worried but wrapped in a message wherein he was angrily requiring me to tell him how I was doing. I always saw this as attacks to my privacy and never suspected what was the underlaying trigger. The only thing it triggered in me was a reaction in anger and not understanding his attitude leading to ignoring his arrogant (as I felt it) attitude.

Maybe we should support each other in this in order to go back and review events that have been suppressed by both of us; we both found out we do not have that many memories of our past apart from a couple of specific episodes. We concluded we both have been stuffing away quite some memories and it certainly is worth to investigate this in order to find trigger points to understand and eliminate by doing self forgiveness on them.

One of the questions I asked M. was to examine what being worried was doing with himself and what have been the actions coming from it and the consequences of these actions for him and the subject/person to worry about. Due to the complexity of the question there is no answer yet other then the fact he acknowledged it and clearly sees points to work on. The same applies to me. This conversation with my brother made it clear that also for me that I too have to tackle these undiscovered points/events/experiences that happened in the past and are manifesting themselves now in the present.

Time management

Time seems to be a difficult thing to manage. It is fascinating and scary at the same time since the way we deal with time depends very much of our state of mind. Ah, there is it again! The mind. I can’t say I am able to properly manage the time I have during a day but I start to be more and more aware of the way I am dealing with time and if I am using it efficiently or not.

It is amazing to see how often you are finding excuses and justifications to delay/postpone things you planned to do. When it comes to time the mind is very resourceful. Unforeseen situations can cause you to adapt your schedule and there is nothing wrong about that. But often we find ourselves to be easily distracted as soon we have to perform tasks we have a resistance for. It happens to me quite often that when I have to perform a specific task that is requiring all my attention or is requiring me to face some ongoing issues I feel sudden sleep attacks or, eventually without even noticing, I will find myself doing other things like reading feeds or other stuff that I can easily be read on another occasion.

It is even more amazing that while getting up early and going to bed late so I have effectively 18 to 19 hours of time a day I still have difficulties to do everything I planned to do. And once I start feeling pressure and complaining about others frustrating my planning things eventually get even worse. If on the other hand I manage to be in the moment focussing on which I am doing, time does not play tricks with me. It is still true that anything you do need is time and that you need to use every minute effectively, the biggest challenge being not to let the mind deceive you with justifications.

Only being more aware of how I deal with time and time related distractions is helping me a lot. It even allows me to close my eyes for a short moment just enough to get back in shape. Although I am not impressed with the amount of work I manage to produce in a day time I am really wondering how I managed to work in the past when I was sleeping longer and spending time watching TV and doing other non productive things.

The fact of sleeping not more than five to six hours a night scares a lot of people out of fear of not being able to rest enough to be fit the next day. My personal experience is the opposite. The longer I sleep, the more tired I feel. I now try to listen to my body when it comes to sleep and it seems it can take these relatively short night without consequences. This in contrast with the mind that is doing all it can to make you feel sleepy.

When today my brother called me today I told him I had no time to talk with him. It should have been enough to propose a timeframe fitting both needs. I wanted to justify my choice not wanting to talk with him in that moment but the truth was I wasn’t ready to talk to a bullshitter.

To make my point I stop here since I can barely keep my eyes open. I will find out if this is the mind playing a trick or if  it is real, physical tiredness.

Another mail

In todays blog I am describing the reactions I had reading the mail M. sent to me. I extracted the sentences I had a reaction on describing my reaction and the source of this reaction. In a later stage I will use these points to do self forgiveness. Since I had a hard time in properly defining the underlaying emotions I asked S. to assist me. I was tempted to translate all the statements he did about Desteni and the EMS so I could expose how he was making a fool of himself. I decided not to do it since my motivation would be one of revenge.

“This mail is only meant for you”

Dishonesty, unequal, more than.

“I assume you are going to follow my advise…”

More than, less-more polarity.

“Think about it”

How can you state this without knowing my point of view.

“I didn’t know that my always confident brother is suffering so much from an inferiority complex. This ultimately leads to not being able to communicate with your parents”

Astonisment.

“You translate their attention and care into the obligation to justify yourself. You shouldn’t see the attention from your family as criticism. Are you not convinced of what you are doing? Do you have a clear picture of where you are headed in life?”

Bullshit!

“In your blog you are talking about issues that are taken out of their context and that the message came through in a distorted way. What are you talking about?”

This refers to this this passage in my blog: “The content of the mail is showing clearly how distorted the message is coming across and how any kind of message evolves into something that is not having any connection with reality.

Frustration about not being able to get a message across.

“Are you ashamed of something?” “You are very, very preoccupied with money”

Stop writing this nonsense, you have no idea what you are talking about. The emotions I have here are generated by establishing that what is said about me is not fitting the picture I have about myself have in relation to my twin brother referring to how we communicate with each other. This causes separation.

“Dad is not and has never been concerned with money”

This is not true! This is not how I am seeing it. Everybody is concerned with money within our society and the more money you have the more you are concerned about not loosing it. Here I frustrated by the fact my message is again misunderstood and by the fact M. does not get the point of what I am trying to say.

“Your perception of how dad deals with money is evidently not true”

Feeling attacked by the fact he is stating that what I am writing in honesty is not true and the fact he is imposing his perception as the only truth. So arrogant! Here speaks my EGO…

“If I can give you a tip, try to think of something that allows you to get rid of your bank loan as quickly as possible… You’d better get a loan from your family since they are not among at profit”

No way I am going there again! I am reacting to memories and are not willing to repeat those experiences.

“I do not have wisdom, I have only 44 years of life experience…”

How many years should I have as his identical twin brother? Again a reaction of my ego.

“I know you as nobody else… … I know your strengths and weaknesses”

Who you think you are you can state this. Feeling less and allowing the other to be more resulting in anger.

A couple of lines later:

“Don’t forget the fact nobody knows you, even not your own family, including your wife and children”

DIdn’t he just say he knew me as nobody else? Here I am blaming my brother of being contradictory. Polarity! Clear point of failure making me feeling better than him. Here I am allowing myself to participate into a polarization.

“Stop worrying about things that are not real and concentrate your energy in your own development”

Ego: “What the fuck you think I am doing right now?”

Needless to say these are my reactions to the contents of the mail and that I am the only one responsible for these reactions since they reflect how I am standing in life now.

Let go your fear and ego

Today, while discussing matters during a walk with my partners S. we spoke among other things about how much easier it would be if you could remove the clutter that comes with feelings and emotions. We were discussing the issues we are having in communicating with members of my family. It is a delicate matter if your starting point is to maintain certain dynamics that play a role in your relationships with close family members. If you start looking closer at these dynamics you start seeing the motivators that very often can be brought back to just a couple of things: fear and ego.

In order to bring it all back to myself and how I stand in the communication with my direct family I had and still have a lot of emotions and feelings that are generated by fear and ego. Fear of losing a relationship with my family, fear of not being understood, fear of being rejected, fear of making the others become angry. And when it comes to exchanging points of view I see my ego that feeds my feelings of indignation when the others are criticizing my decisions and the way I chose to live, making me angry and causing to defend myself from the accusations.

It would be great if we could manage to exchange experiences without all this clutter of feelings and emotions, fears and unspoken convictions. Instead of telling the other how we think he or she should live we should share our experiences of life so they add up to our own experiences enabling us to learn and benefit from it. As long as we think we are capable of ‘advising’ another we actually are abusing the other by placing ourself on a higher footstep. If we live in common sense there is no way we could ever advise another human being. You can only work starting from yourself, learning from your own experiences and from others that share their experiences openly.

I can tell that it is not easy to face these communication issues by not blaming anybody but yourself. Somehow it is a reality I manifested myself and it is something I will have to deal with. If I start from what is said or written to me I’ll need to analyse that what is said point by point and find out what emotion or feeling it triggers within me so I can address this in order to recognize the reaction and eventually to get rid of it. I’ve been postponing an answer to two mails I received today justifying it with the fact I have been very busy and wanted to address it properly. 

I feel that I can not address this matter on my own and I see this as a nice occasion to start making use of the community I am part of, a community that already gave me an overwhelmingly nice welcome. I still have to learn how to use the full potential of all the connections I have feeling limited by amounts and numbers causing me to wonder how it is possible to read all the blogs of others, watch all the vlogs, read all the material. But there is “hope” :-). Only very recently I could not believe I would be able to write a blog every day, it is just a start but I did not miss a day. What helped me is to get rid of the fear that told me I would never be able to come up with an argument every day. Since then I have to make choices among all the topics I would like to write about.

Real or fake sleep?

Today it has been both a nice and a tough day. It was the first day after the holidays the kids went to school again and it was my first official day on my new job. I got up early to fire up the stove and had breakfast. In a quite relaxed way the kids prepared for going to school taking for the first time this year the bus. Until now we brought them by car.

I decided to bring the kids to the bus stop since I had to fill our water bottles at the spring anyway. I came home feeling the same energy I felt when I went out of bed. After packing my computer and preparing my lunch I drove to the office, a drive of about 50 minutes. While driving I still had high spirits and felt quite relaxed, enjoying the landscape and the sun that was peeking through the thin clouds. I even decided to make a small detour to stop at an Aldi supermarket I came across a week earlier driving a specific route to see if it had the same formula as in the Netherlands.

Meanwhile I had started yawning, something I do quite often because of the hight differences in order to pop open my ears. Suddenly I felt something that suggested tiredness. Stupid thing I thought, as if yawning is connected to being tired. While the mind tried to convince me I was tired because I went to bed at one o’ clock and got up early I arrived at my destination and felt the urge for a coffee in order to do something against the sleepy feeling. I installed myself and before I knew I was talking with my colleagues and started doing my work and forgot completely I was feeling tired and in need of a coffee. Only much later a colleague asked if I fancied a cup of coffee which I drank because I like the taste and not to fight sleep.

Everything ran smoothly and I really enjoyed my work I was performing in a relaxed way until I sat next to a colleague at about four o’ clock in the afternoon following the steps he had to do in order to provide me with some requested info. At a certain point he suggested to go back doing my things or have a break since I had started yawning systematically. I was clearly having a so called dip. Since I was not paying any attention to my dip it disappeared as suddenly as it popped up.

While driving home I had to fight against sleep and again I started wondering if this was real tiredness or something of the mind. I was driving in a relaxed way and it seems that when I relax the sleep thing tries to get hold of me. As if it was an idea this whole feeling of sleep vanished and by the time I arrived home I was not tired anymore.

I had dinner and soon after that we had to prepare for the French lesson I teach at one of our friends home to their and my children. We finished at a quarter to eleven and by then I really started to feel tired. This time for real? What is this feeling of being tired? Just a feeling? Most probably it is. But when and how do I know I am dealing with a feeling and not with a signal my physical body is giving me. Certainly something to find out. One thing I know for sure, in the past I would have gone to bed a while ago, now it is half past midnight and, although feeling tired I still manage to write a blog.

This is definitely a point of study since this feeling of sleep is too easy to get rid of to be real tiredness. Although the sleep I am feeling now is probably quite real and my body is going to get some rest soon.