Fear

For today’s topic I’m going back a couple of days when we had a visit of a friend of mine who asked me to watch a video on YouTube about world demographics.

He told me he got scared after watching this video. He generalized Muslims as Fascists and sees a danger in the fact their amount is growing rapidly while ‘our’ society is growing so slowly that in time it is due to disappear.

The video starts with the statement that based on research they can state that the world demographics is changing. Interesting is to find out why it is changing and why ‘modern’ society is not able to keep up the growth rate the Muslim society has. I am asking myself why there should be a growth anyway, is it not more common sense that we as human race are going to reach a point of balance with a stable world population? If you look at demographics we have seen a rapid growth in western society in the nineteenth and early twentieth century. It seems that the Muslim society is in a comparable situation now.

I’ve been observing my friend expressing his fear about the message of the video. But what about myself? Does the video scare me? If it does or doesn’t, what arguments do I use to build my opinion? Do I feel different compared to my friend because he has fear and I do not? Am I more because I can see things more clearly than he does so I do not need to have fear? Here it gets complicated and there is a high risk of mindfucks. It is so easy to judge anything you hear and see and form an opinion on something or someone that it needs a lot of awareness and self forgiveness in order not to participate in these mind games.

I am not sure right now how to deal with these situations right now. My first step is to be more and more aware of what is going on in my mind. The next step will be do deal with the points I manage to identify so I can work on them systematically. This point of fear is a tough one since I still believe I do not feel fear in many occasions while it is very possible that I am pushing away or ignoring my fears by convincing myself I am not in danger of that I am stable enough to handle the situation. Here also is a lot of stuff to dig up in my past. I seem to have very few memories about several stages of my youth and in the context of fear I see fear for my father as a main thread throughout my youth.

In the present my biggest trigger for fear is the lack of money. Strangely enough the more I deal with this fear by dealing with the issue here and now, acting practically and not in the mind by working out all kind of doom scenario’s I am able to manage my financial situations with less interference and more effectively.

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My relation with money (part 2 of many)

In my previous post I stated not having a drive coming from
money. I am not sure if that can be true since everything we do in
this reality is somehow connected to money. So lets have a closer
look at this and start with my first jobs. If I sell remember I
must have been 16 year old when I worked as
a gardener assistant for a couple of weeks during summer.
Why I did it? Good question. I can’t really remember the drive but
almost certainly it was a thing ‘suggested’ by my parents as a nice
thing to do since you could earn your own money with it. Lets
say that it was a first step of preparing myself to fit in the
system. As long as I was living home I did not need any extra money
to support myself. When I moved out of home it started to be a
little different. I had to manage all my expenses with a small
amount of money. This caused me to look for temporary work in
summertime to earn extra money in order to be able to afford
some holidays or other ‘luxury’ stuff. I still did not need it to
support myself. Weird if I look at it now, you work extra in order
to do extra things that you do not really need: consumerism. The
mind does not agree with this of course, seeking justification for
your need for a holiday in order to relax and recover
from the hard working. After my studies the situation got a little
more complex. From now I had to work in order to earn my living
without any help from my parents or the state. After la last study
I worked for an incoming Tour operator in Amsterdam. It was a
temporary job ending on December 31st. Since it was winter it was
hard to find a job in this sector and in February I ended working
for a large store as an order collector. It did not take me long to
make a little career and in less than a year I not only
had a permanent working contract but was running my
own department in the shop. The wage was above average
for the kind of job so I was happy and lived a regular live
participating in the normal consumer habits purchasing a PC, a
HI-FI set, a TV set, and in summer I had my couple of weeks
vacation in some other country. It did not last for long since I
got bored and wanted some new challenges (something to look into
since it is a clear pattern in my life) and wanted another job. The
new job consisted in selling water filters and related products
(including some kind of Herbalife products). The most
terrifying was the kind of business, based on a pyramid system.
Nevertheless my brother convinced me to join, he having been
recruited among economics students. In order to participate we had
to purchase our own goods we needed for demonstration purposes and
selling stock. Although the product were of apparent good quality
and seemed to be quite useful, I never managed to sell anything.
For the business that did not matter. The people at the top were
just making money by convincing as many people as
possible to participate in the projected profit in case they
managed to convince others to do the same. It took me
an uncomfortable long time to see something was wrong and
besides not earning any money I lost my investment too. Back to
normal jobs I finally ended up working for a call center where I
worked for quite some years before again I resigned seeking new
challenges in a new job. It could be that I was just doing all this
to have a confirmation on how well I was doing my job, changing
every time the working situation did not allow me anymore to prove
myself. I keep saying to myself that money was not my drive, but
why was I always nervous and eager at the same time at times of job
evaluations with directly connected financial consequences? At a
certain point I convinced myself that there was no other way for me
than to become self employed in order to follow my own line of
development, avoiding to have to perform tasks that I felt did not
fit into my projected career line. That was the start of a complete
new challenge. I managed to earn a fair amount of money
but strangely enough the expenses piled up and I never
really managed to get us into a real
comfortable financial situation. Besides my work there
was another important thread to consider, the dream of going ‘back’
to Italy in order to live a life that was more in contact with
nature. Here also there are many underlaying factors to do research
on. Working as a self employed person in Italy is very difficult,
especially if you try to do it in a fair way. On top of that the
wages and therefore the prices are much lower than in the
Netherlands and as a result I was making very little money. Looking
back it seems I’ve been separating myself from the system
systematically and in order to return to an income that can sustain
myself and my family I have to fit back into the system.
The job I am starting to do in this period is a good test on how I
am managing in doing so. Still unsolved remains the fact
I seem to be incapable of finding jobs that allow me to earn a fair
amount of money. Most certainly I have an issue there that blocks
me. Thinking of reasons that might cause this mindset I could even
come up with jealousy since I’ve been wondering my whole life how
it can be possible that some people can afford all the things they
display (houses, cars, motorbikes, holidays in exotic countries,
big parties, etc.). I always stated not to be a jealous person, but
I have some big doubts now.

My relation with money (part 1 of many)

It wasn’t difficult to pick a topic for today’s blog since it is a hot item on other blogs and vlogs too. Already for some time I’ve been wondering how I am really dealing with money. Apparently there are a lot of hidden feelings and emotions that I am not or barely aware of. Not to speak about the way I manifest myself within these money related constructs. It’s fascinating and complex, but I’ll try to do a first step in analyzing the matter.

First my roots. Apparently there hasn’t been any reason for me being regularly in situation of a lack of money in my past. My father always had good jobs and we lived a quite luxurious life especially regarding activities that, seen afterwards, were a direct consequence of the polarity that my father created in working very hard. I am talking about skiing in winter and sailing on our family sailboat in summer. These activities were not limited to the holidays but repeated itself almost every weekend up to the point that I as a teenager was fed up with skiing every time and chose to do something else.

When I look back I see what money means to my father. It is something that he worked for, he owns eagerly and it allows him to realize the life he planned to have. Ever since I moved out from home I’ve been living periods with very little and a little more money and on a few occasions I could have a nice living, never very luxurious though. It seems that I did not inherit anything that imposes me to see money as the main goal for my decisions in life. At least, that is what I think. Maybe I am somehow opposing to the example given by my father. One thing is certain, my attitude towards money never brought me prosperity.

Not having this drive coming from money and not seeing why I should make a career in some kind of business, my drive has been based on using my skills and improving them focussing on jobs I more or less liked. This has been a clear line in my decisions. I changed jobs as soon I felt I could not develop my knowledge and skills and was limited in my creativity. No way I was going to perform a job just for the sake of being there, doing the same thing every day and with no clear goal to work towards. Funny if I look at it now. I had a couple of occasions where I very easily could have earned money with a very little amount of effort. But I decided differently, also because I felt it was not right to earn money while not being productive on a certain level.

The consequences of this approach to work were that I almost always had tasks in my jobs I could easily handle causing me to invent challenging goals to achieve, most of the times concerning tasks that were not mine but of someone else leading to situations where I was doing the work of others without getting rewarded properly. This brings me to the point I am wondering about all the time. In my perception of honesty I am not able to take advantage of anybody (as long as I am aware of it) and the consequence of this was that others did take advantage of me in many situations.

So, resuming my situation, I am not eager enough to play the game of profit. Just because I am not willing to take advantage of others. I will probably adjust this statement later on in my process, but for now it could do.

Feeling that money is not important and not dictating or imposing what I should do in life is actually separating myself from the most important drive in our actual society. The consequence of this is that I almost all my grown up life been struggling with earning enough money to support myself.

Only very recently I decided that I had to stop not recognizing how the actual system works. It is going to be very fascinating to dig up where this resistance to the system comes from. All my life, since I was a little kid I have been wondering how things worked in the business world. I always had difficulties in picturing myself in some kind of job since I could not imagine how that would be. I also did not understand what my father was doing and why he was so stressed out from the work he did. Almost his whole working life he has been a manager or a CEO of a company (later a multinational) and with his humble education he probably always felt he had to walk on his toes to be able to do his job. It is very possible that I am resisting this picture of stressful working and let this influence my own decisions.

Having no idea’s about the kind of work I was going to do I never projected myself into specific situations especially not on the long term. I had no specific wishes and no drive to become a CEO, a manager of simply rich. Doing several jobs I discovered my real skills and only now I start to find the right ways to use these skills in situations that are letting me earn some money. But also there, every time I have to fix a price for my delivered services I feel I can not ask more than so much, mostly compromising my own financial situation and quite often also my credibility in a commercial way. I never had any doubt about my skills and the quality of the services I delivered so why doubting about the price to ask for these wonderful services? It seems that I am asking people to abuse my ‘kindness’ and most of the times people will do so.

I am starting with a new job right now. This time I am much more aware of how I am standing within the money system. I will put myself back to fit better into the system and no longer act as a money system outlaw. Therefore I’ll take my responsibilities to earn the money I need to support myself and my family (I’ll tackle the father construct somewhere in the future for sure) and of course I will describe my process in this blog.

Having said this it feels like having lifted the lid of a boiling pan just a little… I probably could start writing a daily post for a year just on this subject.

 

The start

Having a partner who’s already into Desteni (as we like to say it) for quite a while allowed me to follow her process from very close. I can say I learned a lot and concluded also I have a long path to go. Every time An issue is tackled I tend to say to myself: “Funny, I never felt it like that, presumably it is not an issue for me.”

Fortunately I started to develop some doubts about that statement. It is much more likely that I have been stuffing away a lot of ‘shit’ in my life, so deep I am not aware of it anymore. I’ll have to start digging and sometimes very deep… Not really looking forward to it to be honest. On the other side I see clearly it is the only way to go and that I have to take my responsibilities in this. So there we go! See this as a further preparation until I officially will start with my ITD.

I’ve been very reluctant to start this blog. I feel that I am always too busy with other more important things. When I started to analyze how I was managing my time I had to come to the conclusion that I had plenty of time! Just a matter of having the right priorities and recognizing  that I was spending a lot of time on things I could easily do without.

There are so many topics I could start writing about that it already started to blur my mind. There also is some work to do, focussing on the subject without letting your mind think of things in the past and in the future, just be here and now. BIG challenge. But, I am making slow progress on this point and just the fact I see it works to be here now in this moment. The fact I recognize I am in the mind is a little step forwards.

Without an ITD or even a SRA my process is not very much structured. Until now we couldn’t afford to pay for the two of us, with the DIP this has changed now and there is also a new job I started that should improve our financial situation a bit. This seems an excuse, and I understand that structure is depending on how I organize myself.

So, homework for tonight is to join the Desteni forum, introduce myself and make sure this blog is published on as many places as possible. Let’s see how I manage to perform these tasks.

One of three hundred sixty five

Although I do not particularly believe in starting something the first of January I am starting this blog exactly on this date (I am writing this part on December 31st just preparing the blog for the launch).

The time is ready to do some writing about my process of freeing myself from everything that is limiting my self in this world. My motivation (sorry for the word, I’ll come up with a better one later) is based on all what I am learning from following the process of my partner Sylvia. Even if I am not doing the SRA course of Desteni I’ve been ‘contaminated’ and once you are in this, there is no way back.

PS This blog is participating to The Daily Post of WordPress.com.