Time management

Time seems to be a difficult thing to manage. It is fascinating and scary at the same time since the way we deal with time depends very much of our state of mind. Ah, there is it again! The mind. I can’t say I am able to properly manage the time I have during a day but I start to be more and more aware of the way I am dealing with time and if I am using it efficiently or not.

It is amazing to see how often you are finding excuses and justifications to delay/postpone things you planned to do. When it comes to time the mind is very resourceful. Unforeseen situations can cause you to adapt your schedule and there is nothing wrong about that. But often we find ourselves to be easily distracted as soon we have to perform tasks we have a resistance for. It happens to me quite often that when I have to perform a specific task that is requiring all my attention or is requiring me to face some ongoing issues I feel sudden sleep attacks or, eventually without even noticing, I will find myself doing other things like reading feeds or other stuff that I can easily be read on another occasion.

It is even more amazing that while getting up early and going to bed late so I have effectively 18 to 19 hours of time a day I still have difficulties to do everything I planned to do. And once I start feeling pressure and complaining about others frustrating my planning things eventually get even worse. If on the other hand I manage to be in the moment focussing on which I am doing, time does not play tricks with me. It is still true that anything you do need is time and that you need to use every minute effectively, the biggest challenge being not to let the mind deceive you with justifications.

Only being more aware of how I deal with time and time related distractions is helping me a lot. It even allows me to close my eyes for a short moment just enough to get back in shape. Although I am not impressed with the amount of work I manage to produce in a day time I am really wondering how I managed to work in the past when I was sleeping longer and spending time watching TV and doing other non productive things.

The fact of sleeping not more than five to six hours a night scares a lot of people out of fear of not being able to rest enough to be fit the next day. My personal experience is the opposite. The longer I sleep, the more tired I feel. I now try to listen to my body when it comes to sleep and it seems it can take these relatively short night without consequences. This in contrast with the mind that is doing all it can to make you feel sleepy.

When today my brother called me today I told him I had no time to talk with him. It should have been enough to propose a timeframe fitting both needs. I wanted to justify my choice not wanting to talk with him in that moment but the truth was I wasn’t ready to talk to a bullshitter.

To make my point I stop here since I can barely keep my eyes open. I will find out if this is the mind playing a trick or if  it is real, physical tiredness.


Stopping abuse

Tonight I wrote a mail to my parents and my brother asking them to stop immediately with their unfair and unequal actions involving people behind our backs in order to make their point.

Due to the fact it is 1:15 am I will have to finish the mail tomorrow, I need a couple of hours sleep now.

Another mail

In todays blog I am describing the reactions I had reading the mail M. sent to me. I extracted the sentences I had a reaction on describing my reaction and the source of this reaction. In a later stage I will use these points to do self forgiveness. Since I had a hard time in properly defining the underlaying emotions I asked S. to assist me. I was tempted to translate all the statements he did about Desteni and the EMS so I could expose how he was making a fool of himself. I decided not to do it since my motivation would be one of revenge.

“This mail is only meant for you”

Dishonesty, unequal, more than.

“I assume you are going to follow my advise…”

More than, less-more polarity.

“Think about it”

How can you state this without knowing my point of view.

“I didn’t know that my always confident brother is suffering so much from an inferiority complex. This ultimately leads to not being able to communicate with your parents”


“You translate their attention and care into the obligation to justify yourself. You shouldn’t see the attention from your family as criticism. Are you not convinced of what you are doing? Do you have a clear picture of where you are headed in life?”


“In your blog you are talking about issues that are taken out of their context and that the message came through in a distorted way. What are you talking about?”

This refers to this this passage in my blog: “The content of the mail is showing clearly how distorted the message is coming across and how any kind of message evolves into something that is not having any connection with reality.

Frustration about not being able to get a message across.

“Are you ashamed of something?” “You are very, very preoccupied with money”

Stop writing this nonsense, you have no idea what you are talking about. The emotions I have here are generated by establishing that what is said about me is not fitting the picture I have about myself have in relation to my twin brother referring to how we communicate with each other. This causes separation.

“Dad is not and has never been concerned with money”

This is not true! This is not how I am seeing it. Everybody is concerned with money within our society and the more money you have the more you are concerned about not loosing it. Here I frustrated by the fact my message is again misunderstood and by the fact M. does not get the point of what I am trying to say.

“Your perception of how dad deals with money is evidently not true”

Feeling attacked by the fact he is stating that what I am writing in honesty is not true and the fact he is imposing his perception as the only truth. So arrogant! Here speaks my EGO…

“If I can give you a tip, try to think of something that allows you to get rid of your bank loan as quickly as possible… You’d better get a loan from your family since they are not among at profit”

No way I am going there again! I am reacting to memories and are not willing to repeat those experiences.

“I do not have wisdom, I have only 44 years of life experience…”

How many years should I have as his identical twin brother? Again a reaction of my ego.

“I know you as nobody else… … I know your strengths and weaknesses”

Who you think you are you can state this. Feeling less and allowing the other to be more resulting in anger.

A couple of lines later:

“Don’t forget the fact nobody knows you, even not your own family, including your wife and children”

DIdn’t he just say he knew me as nobody else? Here I am blaming my brother of being contradictory. Polarity! Clear point of failure making me feeling better than him. Here I am allowing myself to participate into a polarization.

“Stop worrying about things that are not real and concentrate your energy in your own development”

Ego: “What the fuck you think I am doing right now?”

Needless to say these are my reactions to the contents of the mail and that I am the only one responsible for these reactions since they reflect how I am standing in life now.

Let go your fear and ego

Today, while discussing matters during a walk with my partners S. we spoke among other things about how much easier it would be if you could remove the clutter that comes with feelings and emotions. We were discussing the issues we are having in communicating with members of my family. It is a delicate matter if your starting point is to maintain certain dynamics that play a role in your relationships with close family members. If you start looking closer at these dynamics you start seeing the motivators that very often can be brought back to just a couple of things: fear and ego.

In order to bring it all back to myself and how I stand in the communication with my direct family I had and still have a lot of emotions and feelings that are generated by fear and ego. Fear of losing a relationship with my family, fear of not being understood, fear of being rejected, fear of making the others become angry. And when it comes to exchanging points of view I see my ego that feeds my feelings of indignation when the others are criticizing my decisions and the way I chose to live, making me angry and causing to defend myself from the accusations.

It would be great if we could manage to exchange experiences without all this clutter of feelings and emotions, fears and unspoken convictions. Instead of telling the other how we think he or she should live we should share our experiences of life so they add up to our own experiences enabling us to learn and benefit from it. As long as we think we are capable of ‘advising’ another we actually are abusing the other by placing ourself on a higher footstep. If we live in common sense there is no way we could ever advise another human being. You can only work starting from yourself, learning from your own experiences and from others that share their experiences openly.

I can tell that it is not easy to face these communication issues by not blaming anybody but yourself. Somehow it is a reality I manifested myself and it is something I will have to deal with. If I start from what is said or written to me I’ll need to analyse that what is said point by point and find out what emotion or feeling it triggers within me so I can address this in order to recognize the reaction and eventually to get rid of it. I’ve been postponing an answer to two mails I received today justifying it with the fact I have been very busy and wanted to address it properly. 

I feel that I can not address this matter on my own and I see this as a nice occasion to start making use of the community I am part of, a community that already gave me an overwhelmingly nice welcome. I still have to learn how to use the full potential of all the connections I have feeling limited by amounts and numbers causing me to wonder how it is possible to read all the blogs of others, watch all the vlogs, read all the material. But there is “hope” :-). Only very recently I could not believe I would be able to write a blog every day, it is just a start but I did not miss a day. What helped me is to get rid of the fear that told me I would never be able to come up with an argument every day. Since then I have to make choices among all the topics I would like to write about.

Real or fake sleep?

Today it has been both a nice and a tough day. It was the first day after the holidays the kids went to school again and it was my first official day on my new job. I got up early to fire up the stove and had breakfast. In a quite relaxed way the kids prepared for going to school taking for the first time this year the bus. Until now we brought them by car.

I decided to bring the kids to the bus stop since I had to fill our water bottles at the spring anyway. I came home feeling the same energy I felt when I went out of bed. After packing my computer and preparing my lunch I drove to the office, a drive of about 50 minutes. While driving I still had high spirits and felt quite relaxed, enjoying the landscape and the sun that was peeking through the thin clouds. I even decided to make a small detour to stop at an Aldi supermarket I came across a week earlier driving a specific route to see if it had the same formula as in the Netherlands.

Meanwhile I had started yawning, something I do quite often because of the hight differences in order to pop open my ears. Suddenly I felt something that suggested tiredness. Stupid thing I thought, as if yawning is connected to being tired. While the mind tried to convince me I was tired because I went to bed at one o’ clock and got up early I arrived at my destination and felt the urge for a coffee in order to do something against the sleepy feeling. I installed myself and before I knew I was talking with my colleagues and started doing my work and forgot completely I was feeling tired and in need of a coffee. Only much later a colleague asked if I fancied a cup of coffee which I drank because I like the taste and not to fight sleep.

Everything ran smoothly and I really enjoyed my work I was performing in a relaxed way until I sat next to a colleague at about four o’ clock in the afternoon following the steps he had to do in order to provide me with some requested info. At a certain point he suggested to go back doing my things or have a break since I had started yawning systematically. I was clearly having a so called dip. Since I was not paying any attention to my dip it disappeared as suddenly as it popped up.

While driving home I had to fight against sleep and again I started wondering if this was real tiredness or something of the mind. I was driving in a relaxed way and it seems that when I relax the sleep thing tries to get hold of me. As if it was an idea this whole feeling of sleep vanished and by the time I arrived home I was not tired anymore.

I had dinner and soon after that we had to prepare for the French lesson I teach at one of our friends home to their and my children. We finished at a quarter to eleven and by then I really started to feel tired. This time for real? What is this feeling of being tired? Just a feeling? Most probably it is. But when and how do I know I am dealing with a feeling and not with a signal my physical body is giving me. Certainly something to find out. One thing I know for sure, in the past I would have gone to bed a while ago, now it is half past midnight and, although feeling tired I still manage to write a blog.

This is definitely a point of study since this feeling of sleep is too easy to get rid of to be real tiredness. Although the sleep I am feeling now is probably quite real and my body is going to get some rest soon.


Our new fundamentalistic faith

Today I received a mail from my father W., the first one since a while. An outsider would say about the relation I have right now with my parents that we are not on speaking terms. Since I told my mother J. over the phone that none of us in our family were looking forward to a visit of her and W. we did not talk again. Not with Christmas and not on new years day. W.’s mail was a surprise, and to be honest I never feel enthusiasm when I open his mails. It was not as strong as a while ago but still I feel emotions when I see his name in my inbox. We have had several discussions over the mail in the last couple of years and never managed to properly get the messages across. Too many emotions, prejudices, preoccupations, fears and wrong expectations for a communication without noise.

The content of the mail is showing clearly how distorted the message is coming across and how any kind of message evolves into something that is not having any connection with reality. The mail has several reproaches that I was surprised of and could not see where they originated from. Until I received a mail from H. (my father in law) that we read just a moment before we were going to call him. In the mail he informed us that my brother M. sent him information about my new blog (the one you are reading now) and that he was preoccupied about the stories I was publishing. H., not sure about his english asked my brother-in-law PW.to read through the text to see if something was wrong with it. His reply was he could not find anything that could harm or offend someone and that he has been reading a story that clearly originated from someones personal blog. Later on the phone H. told us what he wrote back to M. and how he explained that he was reading nothing that was new to him, that he shared his preoccupation and that for that reason he was helping and supporting as a family whenever it was absolutely necessary with some money as also PW. had been doing a couple of times.

Later tonight I decided to write an answer in order to explain W. and M. what the consequences are of M’s action and of the content of his mail for our already troubled relationship. Not an easy task since you have to get the message across taking into account that the image the receivers have of you is a very distorted one. In the mail I try to explain that the action of M. has consequences for the way I communicate with my parents, the first consequence being the fact W. is sending me a mail with statements based on information that is not complete or not put in a right context. And if on top of this distorted information you add frustration, fear, preoccupation and other emotions you get messages that are completely disconnected from reality.

I do not feel anymore the urge to react by defending myself. I have no appearances to keep up nor lies to carefully manage. I do not feel I should give any justification for the things I do in life other than to myself since I am the one who has to take responsibility for my own actions, not W. and not M.

In some way W. is on the right track since he states that we have to have a good thought about being honest in general and that I should ask myself if I am honest to myself, my “partner” (who represents the source of all evil), my children and all my other contacts. “Make a better world and start with yourself” he states quoting and old wisdom.  Well, isn’t it funny he is right on this point but fails to see that it is just what is going on.

I’ve no expectations what so ever on how my relation with J. and W. will be in the future. I will respond to any request of approach that is done in common sense about anything I do and I think in life, taking my responsibilities where I need to. If J. and W. are willing to see me as their equal and are truly interested in how I stand in my life I will be glad to share my experiences with them. I have been working hard in the last six months to get rid of feelings and emotions related to J. and W. that only were troubling my view and preventing me from seeing how things really are. I can’t do more than just being myself here and now respecting myself as others as equal.

Father – daughter relation

One of the things I will have to investigate and to take care of is all related to the father – daughter relation. It is amazing the mechanism of this construct is popping up every time there is a situation it can energetically feed on. Although it seems fine from the outside I have a hard time communicating with my daughter. I am aware of a lot of frustrations from my side that tend to influence the way I say things and give the words a certain energetic charge. Of course my daughter reacts on that and sees all possible mechanisms activated that trouble the communication on her side.

Not too long ago I finally decided not to talk anymore about her room she is not tidying up for a very long time. I kept asking her when she was going to do something about that situation and asked her to take her responsibility of fitting in a normal way of living in the house we all share. Due to this pressure she felt the need of promising me she was going to take action, without ever doing it for real. I then felt frustrated because she was not keeping her word not being aware of why she was making those promises in the first place. I also realized that it was my frustration that led me asking her to tidy up her room and not something that is a need of my daughter.

Of course I see she is struggling with several mind constructs and having a hard time to deal with them. This triggers the father construct preoccupation which cause me to be eager in trying to help her. This help is not appreciated and causes the opposite effect resulting in frustration and even greater preoccupation on my side. I see a girl who’s not able to take her own responsibilities and therefore all kind of doom scenario’s are popping up in my mind. The strongest of them right now is the probability that she’s not going to make it this year at school just because she refuses to put a minimum of effort in doing her schoolwork.

A lot of work has to be done here with a lot of self forgiving. At this moment I am not able to deal with school issues related to my daughter without feeling emotions and seeing my mind constantly coming up with warnings about what could go wrong. Instead of feeling fear for probably something that is not hers but my projected onto her I should be able to assist her as soon as she is ready to deal with her situation. On my turn I will ask my partner if she can assist me in this specific part of my process.