No U-turn allowed

no-U-turnThis blog is analyzing the origins of specific points of which I am walking the consequences right now in my day to day life. A U-turn to go back in time to correct or change my decisions is no option, so I will have to investigate specific moments in my past to be able to understand and correct myself here and now. Only so I will be able to stop ever returning patterns.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago

– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house

– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job

– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes

– Sold our house for less money than expected

– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house

– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house

– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was

– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company

Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)

– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago
– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house
– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job
– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes
– Sold our house for less money than expected
– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house
– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house
– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was
– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company
– Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)
– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

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Depression

Yesterday, while drinking a cup of tea, my mother in law told me a story of a friend of hers who has a daughter diagnosed with a serious form of depression. The woman is apparently very pretty looking and, while in her early thirties, is already in her third relationship. As a teenager she already showed symptoms of depression and among other therapies she was sent as au pair to Switzerland where she had a great time.

Typical of her behavior while being depressed were periods of intense fear wherein she always claimed her mother to come over to help her, resulting in the fact the mother had to travel for a couple of hours to co go her daughter’s house to find a scared daughter not willing to do anything. She also showed periods with a complete opposite behavior where she was very active, almost over active and almost uncontrollable, capable of doing very weird things.

At a certain point she had a relationship with an older man who already had children. He cared very much about her and helped her going to doctors and psychiatrists which resulted in nothing else than prescribing medication to suppress the symptoms of her behavior. This relation did not last for obvious reasons and because the two sons of this man where difficult to manage and because the woman wanted her own child.

Not long after she was into another relation, this time with a man from india who was aiming at having a child and only three months after they met she was already pregnant. Because of the woman’s behavior and the man’s attitude the relationship already became difficult during pregnancy and after the child was born the man started claiming the child and is doing whatever he can to have the woman locked away in a mental institute. Not being able to cope with the situation the man is known to have beaten the woman regularly.

While all this was going on the woman had her regular periods of fear wherein she always claimed her mother to help her and to take care of her child. Since she was living at some distance from her parents they decided to look for a home in the same town, making it easier to help her when necessary. At the moment she is in her third relationship with a nice man who obviously fell for her very good look.

While my mother in law was telling this story I talked about the fact that the woman’s behavior was quite abusive for the people around her and my mother in law had to agree on that point. She told me that after all these years both the woman and her parents accepted the idea there was nothing they could do about this situation and that it will remain this way for ever.

It is interesting to see that if there is no cure for a specific illness, and more specifically a mental illness, people tend to accept the situation and try to control it with medication. If our medical system is not able to provide a cure we simply accept there is no cure. Doing so we accept being abused by people who are stuck in the mind and are not even willing to change that situation because they are addicted to their behavior wherein they tend to claim and control the persons they live with and their family.

With proper coaching and assistance to work on self responsibility within life situation like these could be improved and even avoided. While now the whole situation is fed by fears and reluctance to changes on one side and accepting abuse just because you are dealing with your daughter or partner the whole situation could be changed if everybody started to look at themselves in self honesty and really started to take each their own responsibilities. This process is made easier using the tools and information found at Desteni. For who is specifically interested in the subject follow this link to a series of video’ son Youtube.

What about fashion, will the fashion industry still exist?

The fashion industry as it is now is an industry, meaning that it is profit driven and all about image and good looking. Throughout my life, while watching models going over the catwalk, I always asked myself who on earth was going to wear all these extravagant clothes. First you need to look like a model, thin, long legs the right proportions. This because I could not imagine a person with an average size fitting in these clothes. So, when are the occasions one would wear these catwalk clothes? When one wants to show off, showing others how cool he or she looks thanks to the clothes. Even if they eventually are not comfortable, too tight, unpractical. All that matters is that it’s haute couture with a name and that it triggers the image of the lady on the catwalk. What an illusion it all is! And nobody really cares but you. And what if you do not have the money to buy this extravaganza? You go to the market and buy made in China replica’s of fashion clothes where you squeeze yourself in with the illusion you still look good.

So, lets define fashion. Fashion is buying clothes we think are cool or allow us to be seen by others without having the feeling we are different and at the same time we define our own specific image with the clothes we wear. So what is going through your mind when you choose what you are going to wear in the morning? Most probably you are asking yourself what others will think about you.

For several years now most of our clothes in my family are self made. Fashionable for sure but also taking care of using the right fabric, the right size so it fits nicely, giving the necessary comfort. We also add an element of fun by putting all sort of text or drawings on our clothes. Great fun choosing the drawing or text. Sometimes, when the kids are wearing a new set of clothes to school we parents ask if they received any comment. Until now the answer has been: “no”. So, it seems that at least here in Italy teenagers are not openly commenting on each others clothes. Strange though is that most youngsters wear the latest fashion jeans and shirts, preferably of a known brand.

The actual fashion industry is using many highly polluting processes and a high level of labor abuse to produce the garments we find in the shops at the end of the chain. Most clothes are sawn by people that work long days and are paid per piece a very low wage. In the shop this is far away and we are prepared to spend large sums of money to buy them.

What is going to happen with the fashion industry in an equal money system? Like all profit driven industries there will be no reason to exist. There will be no need to show off with much too expensive designer clothes. No need to fit yourself in a shine through dress that limits your movements because it is too tight and because you are wearing high heels hoping it will not get too cold since you have nothing to cover yourself with.

Clothes will be designed to fit properly in order to give comfort and protection against sun, wind, heat, cold. Fabrics will be nice to your skin and there will be no irritating labels that pop out or irritate the wearer because  of the material they are made of. Will we wear all the same clothes then? Not necessarily. Clothes will be a perfect way to express oneself, you can have a fulfilling time without harming others. Fashion will become self expression: The art of dressing. only the best fabrics will be available, produced in a way that is best for all and of the best possible quality so they will last as long as possible.

Will everyone wear the same clothes? — Equal Money FAQ

Learn more about THE solution to our crisis: Equal Money System (EMS)

 

Did I reach my goals in my life?

A friend of mine suggested me to write my blog about the question if I managed to reach the goals I had when I was age 18. My first reaction was that it did not sound as an interesting topic. But looking better at it I decided to have a try.

To be honest I do not recall very specific idea’ s I might have had at that age. I was actually in a kind of crisis. I just doubled the last year of my high school and was supposed to move from Italy to Holland to start a study at a Professional School.

The general idea I had was to study until I had a diploma and then look for a job that might give me a decent income, just like my father. I never had a real clue of what actually the work of my father consisted in. He was in management and at the time I had very little fantasies about being a manager. I wanted to do practical stuff and technical stuff.

The first years after high school in Holland were a nightmare. I started with the Horticultural School where I found out that the students were to my opinion very narrow minded on almost anything. They considered me as a “Mafioso” since I came from Italy. After two years I decided to stop. I started working and to finish my missing High School year doing a evening school. After one year I decided to use my own money to go to a private school for Hospitality Business. I managed to do two years in just one with very nice grades.

The ‘black years’ had a huge impact on me. I developed the “Colitis Ulcerosa” Illness that lasted for several of years. Funny enough the illness started within the first year I moved to the Netherlands and stopped in the year after I found a good job at IKEA. Stability in my life cased me to have a healthier body.

My inherited restlessness caused me to quit my job at IKEA since I started to get bored, at least that was what I gave myself as an excuse to quit and change, seeking for a more challenging job. I tasted the world of MLM for a while (see my  previous blog) and finally I found a nice job at a Hewlett Packard Call center. I was happy with the fact I could use my technical skills combined with my knowledge of several languages.

No surprise that after a while (it took seven years this time) I decided to work for a small company specializing in what I was already doing a lot for HP, Training people on printers, sales and technical. Here my career stopped because the small company could not afford me any longer and did not renew my contract. Since then I am self employed.

In all these years I was trying to picture a perfect career that would allow me to use my skills and allow me to earn a nice salary. I pretty soon found out that knowing several languages is not necessarily something that allows you to make a nice living. There is a bigger chance you can make money by knowing two languages and you did your studies on University as a translator than knowing at least 5 of them on a high level and doing a support agent job in a call center. I remember that I felt abused quite regularly because people not knowing languages very easily asked you for your services never understanding how intense and difficult translating can be, resulting in low rewards for the work you were doing.

I actually never stopped defining and redefining what my ideal job should be. Even if I have a clear idea about my skills it is still difficult to translate that into an ideal job. OK, there is no perfect job. Even after becoming self employed, a step that should have allowed me to pick the jobs that suited my skills best, I learned that making money was the first and the last criteria when accepting a job. Nothing else. Until today, every minute I am working on a project for a customer, the main drive is to satisfy the customer in order to get paid. I can put a lot of sills and creativity in my work, but always limited by money in some way (e.g. the customers budget limiting me to focus on basics with no added value that might benefit the whole).

Back to the question of my friend. She added if I was satisfied with what I managed to make of my goals. The question kind of embarrassed me. I am not very often asking myself if I am satisfied. Not on that level. I am still trying to make a living in a society I almost tried to escape from. I have still a hard time fitting in in the way many others do, performing their tasks within their jobs without asking themselves if the work they do (or try not to do or as little as possible) is contributing to something other than their monthly salary.

In a certain way I am satisfied if I look to what I have learned. I have become very flexible and able to quickly fit in in many different types of jobs, both technical, management, commercial, and even handcrafts. Although I tend to say that I am not drive by satisfaction, I must admit that it is not true. Looking back, at the completion of a job/task I am always trying to find the point of satisfaction for the work I did. But what is being satisfied doing with me? Nothing more than satisfying my EGO! There is nothing practical in being satisfied! It does not serve any other purpose than feeding your EGO.

So, lets’s skip this whole satisfaction thing and do our tasks, work, job with one simple goal: The best interest of all. So everybody benefits from it, you and me included.

Deception: it’s all in the mind

This morning I went to the hospital with my daughter A. We had an appointment that was made quite a while ago (due to summer holidays we had to wait a couple of weeks) to have two warts removed on A’s hand and foot. That was at least what we thought was going to happen…

Before we could leave I had to find the medical papers to bring with us. I had to search my whole office to find out I had filed it away in my cabinet in a very organized way. Since I normally tend to leave this kind of paperwork on my desk until it is needed the next time I had a hard time just because I forgot I filed the papers properly this time. Yes, there is a connection to my mess and my daughter’s :-).

We arrived at the hospital and the first thing we had to do was paying the ‘ticket’, the contribution to the medical costs you have to pay here in Italy for all medical operations. For this visit to the dermatologist we had to pay € 26,50. We went to the waiting room and after just a few minutes we were asked in.

The doctor, a woman with a foreign accent, probably from some eastern european country, had a look at A’s hand and foot and quickly concluded that the best treatment was medication, specifically calling it “the kids method”. She said that burning the wart away was not a good option since you had to come back several times to have the wound checked afterwards. Then rapidly she started to explain how the treatment had to be done.

The first thing we had to do is go to the pharmacy to purchase special silk bandaid tape. This had to be wrapped around the foot or hand leaving a small opening on the spot of the wart. Then we had to purchase disks with acid that need to be put on this small opening so the acid slowly can reach the wart and ‘eat’ it away. She specifically told us we should not read the leaflet of the acid disks medicine since it instructs to take the disk off at night. Instead you should leave it on 24/7 for at least 10 to 14 days.

To reassure A she said that you can do everything with the bandaid wrappings, swim, run go to the beach, etc. And she went on clearly trying to remember everything that is connected to warts and the cause of warts. Since a common cause of warts is a immune system deficiency she advised to take a medicine called Immunoactive for 60 days, calling it the ‘Ferrari’ option. Another option was the cheaper ‘Fiat’ medicine Macrocea®. The costs would be € 84,– for option 1 and  € 65,20 for option 2.

Wait a moment! How can this doctor know A needs this treatment since it is based on one of the common causes of warts? Or is it just a general precaution in case this might be the cause. If you read forums about warts and warts treatment you will come quickly to the conclusion there is no effective treatment at all. Even burning them away is not a guarantee the wart is not coming back. I see it makes sense to look at the cases and funny enough the doctor at the end concluded that stress was one of the main causes of warts since it lowers your immune system considerably.

Since A has been under quite some stress this winter and spring and before that she also had other periods that were quite stressful this last diagnose makes sense and deletes the need of the just prescribed medicines. Nevertheless the doctor did a good job in showing us how the actual medical care works. There is a pathology, the doctor establishes what it is and then produces the list of possible treatments and medications he or she learned to produce during their study or professional trainings. For me it is hard not to see a big influence from Big Pharma here.

A was not pleased at all by this since she expected a quick fix of her wart problem. She was big time deceived by the outcome of this doctor’s visit since it did not meet her expectation. For her again a confrontation with reality she will have to deal with. For us as a family again a situation where we have to use our common sense and find the best way to help A to get rid of the physical problem and also the real cause of her warts. Again a reality check for us as a family system where we need to support each other to walk through our processes so we can properly deal with this kind of situations.

The situation now is that A is back into a state of depression of which she only comes out when there is a situation of distraction (=deception). Real life issues like the warts will bring her and us as a family back to the real situation. It learned us again that we can not count on medical care being efficient and also shows us that whatever happens the actual money system requires more money to keep up the deception.

What we need is an equal money system that is founded on equality for all with in this context a medical care system that has a starting point of helping people to overcome their medical problems in an effective and practical way with no limitations due to lack of money or profit driven diagnosis by doctors that have a degree in selling Big Pharma products.

Crashed again

It seems as if it we like to have crashing computers in our house. Some time ago we had the computer of S. that started to give problems and in the meantime I had two crashes, a real one and one that was the consequence of the other.

This should be absolutely embarrassing for a Mac user like me. It probably would have been, many years ago, when I was always very fond of being a Apple Macintosh addict. And it is true, I actually never had any problem unless it was caused by myself due to playing around and trying new things. I see clearly this rule still applies since it was again me having installed two operating systems on my computer (Mac OS X and Ubuntu). For some reason Ubuntu one day failed to exit from a  sleep situation due to a severe damage to the file system (still no idea how that could have happened).

Until there no big issues, all the files I use are in my Gmail accounts and in a ‘cloud’, accessible from anywhere. I had to sort out the fact half my HD remained unused, so I decided on Friday night to do something about it. In an attempt to restore the partition I caused the problem to affect the whole HD. I was left with a computer that would not start anymore.

No panic or cold sweat this time although I was not prepared for a fail this big risking to loose some data on the Mac side I did not back up yet. Apparently I panicked since I was convinced the computer failed even to start from CD. Later I found out I just used the wrong key combination to force the mac to start from CD.

To restore the situation I had to rescue the data on my HD and to do so I had to install an operating system from a bootable external HD. It took many hours to save the data and many more to restore some of it. 24 hours later I am back in business, no dual boot until I find out what caused the problem.

In the research of the cause I will have a close look at myself. I now see there is a pattern that is regularly causing me to get into troubles. Very often it is related to the installation of new software or worse, new or different operating systems. I decided to more over to Ubuntu when I started to work for a company where Linux is the standard. Apart from one specific compatibility issue there was not a real need for me to switch, but I liked the idea, I was tricked by my ‘curiosity’ and wanted to discover something that might have been ‘better’, ‘fater’, ‘cooler’. I had the same kind of experience when I moved from Windows to Mac. I clearly did not learn much from that experience. For years I lived with the idea I was using a superior OS and I felt more and better than all these poor souls that had to suffer with their buggy windos OS.

Now I am living the manifestation of this having to go through my own crashes until I see that my starting point was not a honest one and not based on equality for all. Although it is a complex matter when we look at software, the way it is made, commercialized, intentionally left buggy, etc. on one end and not fully stable, not properly tested and alway under development on the other, at the end the differences are very subtile. What remains are the consequences of actions I perform on my computer that are triggered by motivators that are not sustainable in the context of honesty towards myself and lack simple common sense.

I now again lost a whole day fixing things, time I should have dedicated to other matters like my DIP course.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to be tempted by curiosity and the wish to get the newest version or release instead of making sure my PC remained a stable work tool.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to cause myself losing time instead of focussing on matters that really need to be adressed first.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to panic and not think clear and in common sense when confronted with a situation of possible data loss instead of seeing the real situation and use all I know to properly address the issues.

Hijacked by Escherichia Coli

Since the earliest news items I’ve been kind of monitoring my reactions and thoughts in relation to the E. Coli bacteria. It is really fascinating to see all kind of mechanisms going off by specific triggers.

The first news items were to me a kind of warning. It was something to keep an eye on and take into consideration. Immediately my mind started the survival mode and checked my actual living situation. Very quickly I came to the conclusion I was not living in a situation that could be very prone to this bacteria.

A little later, with all kind of news items on the MSM I started to see a likeness with the H1N1 virus and started to lower my guard since I judged the whole thing as an exaggerated and blown up situation. With this opinion I went on with my daily tasks until the moment came I was again confronted with a news item on this subject.

While discussing the matter with my partner I kept on monitoring my thoughts and while S. decided to toke some measures like peeling the fruit we have for breakfast and washing thoroughly the salad I was still dealing with a mechanism in my mind that was playing down the whole issue because it was a threat far from us living in a small village in the middle of Italy. This same mind, strangely enough, kept on working out other issues clearly based on fear and survival. I started wondering if the water we use for drinking was going to remain safe. It is spring water that comes right from the big mountain in our back yard. Very little chance this E. Coli bacteria is going to be found there but the thought was persistent.

When I had a light cramp in my stomach (just before I had to go to the toilet for a normal ‘shit’) I was worried for a short moment. When I heard that a friend of us, while going home after a stay at our place for a couple of days had nasty cramps in his stomach I started to wonder if he was not having an E. Coli infection. I started to quickly work out scenario’s thinking of what we’ve been eating, what should have happened if the poor guy fell severely ill and eventually died. This even though I know this person has chronic stomach problems. “This is back chat man!” I thought. Potentially I could start giving energy to these thoughts causing them to manifest.

Fascinating to see how easy the mind is triggered into patterns in order to feed the needs of survival, the illusion of uniqueness, fears and so on. How to stop this? Common sense! Using common sense you can approach the situation in a practical way and deal with every issue that comes up in the moment you are faced with it. I am not free of the mind but much more aware of what kind of games the mind is playing with me.

Until so far the Desteni I Process course, the materials I’ve read and the video’s I’ve watched, assisted me in seeing things in commons sense, in the way they really are. This took care of a lot of fear that until then I was regularly experiencing and pushing away just because I did not know how to deal with this emotion. Want to get rid of fear? Join us at Desteni and start reading and watching. Discuss with us about your fears and other issues on the open forum where you will be welcomed and supported.