It happened again!

dishwasher-clipart-free-clip-art-images-SsODq5-clipartIt happened again, and I am happy it did. Why? Well, since I’ve posted the The dishwasher challenge blog post I became aware of a lot of things related to the point of forgetting to close the lid of the dishwasher.

When yesterday morning my partner just informed me she just turned on the dishwasher I did not experience the same f**k moment as usual. True, the situation is slightly different as it was not me to find out that I did not close the lid. I actually was surprised by the neutrality of the tone my partner communicated this fact. As a normal household communication, no emotions attached.

My partner also could see what caused me not to finish this task as we had a small emergency where we found out the dog had peed on the floor just before I was to finish my routine.

Still to investigate is my reactions to this specific situation of not having closed the lid. I felt a quick but noticeable relief when my partner was apparently not upset when she found out and she concluded that she also did not check if the dishwasher was running before going to bed. So the questions I see here are:

Why do I feel a relief when I open the lid in the morning and I hear the reassuring click of the soap dispenser lid flipping open?

Feeling a relief implies I had a fear related to the act of opening the lid of the dishwasher. What kind of fear? Fear of being judged and being seen as incompetent, not fit for the simple task, not accountable, not to be taken seriously. A lot of self blame and self judgement going on here.

Why do I wait to close the dishwasher lid in the first place? Am I afraid I am forgetting to put in a last glass or cup?

Interesting point I am not really able to answer. Something deep inside cautious me to wait until I am very sure EVERYTHING that needs to be in the dishwasher is IN the dishwasher. But what is everything and what happens if something is left out because a family member forgot to bring it to the kitchen? NOTHING! The worst case might be I or someone else has to clean it by hand.

Why is the possibility I will forget to close the lid higher when I am distracted from my routine? Am I too much on an automatic pilot and not really ‘here’?

Another question that requires me to observe myself. Ever tried to observe yourself when you are semi awake and doing your routine on an automatic pilot? I wish you luck! So, if I start observing myself, implicitly making sure I am monitoring thus aware of what I am doing, I am solving this part of the problem. Voilá!

Why do I feel I need to come up with excuses when it happens? Am I ashamed I let it happen (again)? Do I want to hide the fact I might not have done all I could? Did I fail on taking my responsibility on this simple task?

Tricky one. It requires me to be really self-honest. And yes, I am ashamed of myself, at least that is what I am creating as an image in my mind. Ashamed because I failed. I, the caretaker and father figure of a family, the strong foundation of the whole system, I FAILED! “Don’t be so hard on yourself” I hear myself saying. But that is what happens in my mind. I am using this very thing to have an excuse to judge myself and to tell myself I am worth nothing as I am not even able to perform this very simple task in a constant and reliable way. What a mind f**k!

So, wrapping up, I am good in self-judgement and telling myself how bad I am where the whole issue can be solved by accepting this happens and taking my responsibilities by making sure I am always aware of what I am doing in every moment. Actually I am asking myself to be the best I can in any given moment. Sound as mission impossible? To me it kind of does, yes. But I know what I have to do. Find out why I see it as impossible to be the best in any given moment as this should be the norm, that what I   should be able to do all the time without any extra effort.

The truth is I am creating all kind of mental restrictions that limit my ability to live my full potential. Memories, experiences, thoughts, feeling and emotions, all are part of an intricate system that is compromising the real me and waits to be unravelled and debunked in a process of learning to know myself and my origins. This is my process to freedom.

The dishwasher challenge

dishwasher-clipart-dishwasher.jpgDamn! It happened again! It is a pattern that I have problems with breaking. Something apparently very simple… turn on the dishwasher before going to bed.

This morning I woke up because of our male cat making a lot of noise. He does this when he really wants to get outside. As it was almost time to get out anyway I decided to go downstairs and open the front door to leave him out. I then started the morning routine. It is in this routine of ranging all clean dishes, pots and pans that I am to find out if the dishwasher has been turned on or not.

Actually, when looking at it, I kind of have a brief moment of relief when I open the dishwasher and while doing so I hear the click of the soap dispenser cover clicking back in its open position. That sound is very reassuring and allows me to continue my routine with a just very tiny sigh of relief. Apparently I am kind of aware there is a possibility the dishwasher had not been running and I kind of anticipate the f**k moment when I grab the handle to open the dishwasher.

So, why does this happen, and why so often. On average once a week I do everything needed to have the dishwasher running except for one thing… close the lid until the click. Why do it wait? Why do I hesitate and not close it fully when I am done putting in all the things? What Am I waiting for?

Let me walk back to the situation of last evening to see if I can find out what is really going on. After dinner I started rinsing dishes and pans, filled the dishwasher and washed every other item that does not go in the dishwasher. The items I wash by hand like big pots and knives I leave drying on a dripping board. The routine was as any evening except for the fact there was a fresh loaf of bread that had to be cut in slices. As this is producing crumbs and a knife and cutting board to clean I knew I had to do this just before going to bed.

Bed time. I went to the kitchen collecting the last cups and items for the dishwasher, put them in the dishwasher, added the soap and turned it on. I did not fully close the lid and I started doing the cutting board and knife. This is the crucial point. For some reason I decided not to fully close the lid until it clicks causing the dishwasher to start. This is the very moment that I hesitate, almost unconsciously, to start the machine. Why? Because there might be another item I want to put in it before it starts running?

All the other episodes of me not closing the lid properly, meaning not doing the very last step to have the dishwasher start its program, are alike. There is a  slight change in the routine, something that causes the unconscious me to put this step on hold.

So, what to do about it? I have to become more aware of the steps I do in this routine, not on an automatic pilot, but aware of the actual situation. And I have to face the deeper layers to find out why I am hesitating in taking that last step. Looking at it in common sense tells me that there is no reason for not doing that last step. If I consciously had checked the situation I could have seen there were no items left to put in the dishwasher. But, especially when doing things in a routine, there is no reality check. I am doing my things on an automatic pilot. Why? Is it because I kind of consider the tasks as being boring or a nuisance?  Of course I will immediately deny that it is, but if I look at this self-honestly I see that there is a history here of not enjoying the fact I have to do some tasks in the evening, just before going to bed when I usually are more than ready to go to sleep.

So, something futile like the fact of not closing the lid of a dishwasher is actually an opportunity to investigate underlying patterns that eventually lead to better know myself and allow myself to break these patterns and better myself, to create a better version of myself. The process is not simple and requires me to be thorough and especially honest with myself. How futile or seemingly unimportant the point I am investigating might be, the first reaction is to come up with excuses and explanations on why this happens. I’ve done this regularly, for months, to myself and to my partner. Why? Because I feel bad when it happens. It causes me to express a loud F**K charged with frustration when I find out that AGAIN I FAILED. I self-judge myself as being whatever and immediately start to come up with reasons and excuses to explain myself why it happened again in an attempt to tell myself I am not a failure. In other words, I am attempting to compensate for the failure feeling by repairing it and thus causing a polarity.

The only way to solve this pattern effectively is to stop the reason why this pattern exists. This requires me to dig into deeper layers of myself to find out why I act in a specific way. What is the trigger and what is the memory connected to it. Not an easy task. To enable myself to effectively work through the steps that will eventually lead to breaking this pattern and many other related patterns, I use the tools and the buddy support of my DIP course.

In the following posts I will start digging and share how I am walking this process.

Embarrassed

o-oops-sign-facebookAlthough it might be a coincidence, this morning I had an experience that could connect to the fact it is Blue Monday. As on every regular working day I went to catch a specific train, the 7:39 Intercity to Rotterdam. Due to work on the railway line less trains are running every hour and this Monday I could clearly see the consequences. The platform was crammed with people that usually distribute themselves over three different trains. I was kind of lucky I could still fit in the overcrowded train and had to stand in the pathway without having anywhere to hold myself except the ceiling.

While standing there I was wondering where an annoying beep was coming from. I was looking around and noticed more people were wondering what was producing the noise. As several other people I had my phone in my hand to report I had no seat in this train ride using the railway’s app. The beeping stopped but soon started again and slowly it came to me I could have been the source of the sound…

I started to feel uneasy while frantically looking for an app on my phone that is able to connect to a small device on my key ring. Exactly! The source of the beeping was a tiny Bluetooth device that I can use to track my keys. For some odd reason it had decided to beep as if it was prompted to do so by my phone. I managed to connect and make sure it stopped beeping. A few beeps later it kept quiet but I was still quite embarrassed. I decided to get out a stop earlier and walk 20 minutes to my destination to get over my embarrassment.

But why did I feel so embarrassed? Why heart was beating fast and I almost got lightheaded. Looking back I see it has been a situation where I allowed my mind to play a game with me boosted by the fact I was still recovering from being sick and not yet feeling completely fit. Not feeling well can be extra challenging when having to stay self aware and breath myself through a spinning series of thoughts in order to stop these and focus on the real actions to take in order to solve the problem.

Interesting to see that such a small situation as a device that beeps can lead to quite some stress in a situation where other factors play a role: A overcrowded train, standing uncomfortably without having good support, a stomach that was still not fully cooperating and this beeping device! I was surprised and kind of overwhelmed by the experience. It was a good example of how my mind was able to create an instant moment of anxiety expressed as embarrassment and cause a strong physical reaction. This made it even harder to properly react to the situation and take it just breath by breath, focusing on resolving the cause of the problem in the best way possible.

I’ve also learned that my first reaction in this and probably any other situation is to blame something outside of me, anything else but myself. And that was also part of the embarrassment. I found out that if there was someone to blame for the beeping sound… it was me! So, stop the blame altogether, I had to face my own blame, and that is not nice. And there was no need for blame of any kind. The next time I will try to be more aware of what is happening in that specific moment and first check myself to make sure I am not the cause.

A Beagle?

beagle-dog-breed-dbe
Today I got a message from my daughter about Beagles looking for a home, dogs that have been used for animal testing and now live in an animal shelter. My reply was: “Is there something I need to read in-between the lines?”.

It is not the first time my daughter brings up the discussion about wanting to have a pet dog added to our household consisting of four humans, 2 cats and eventually a dog. Although I personally do not dislike the idea of a dog, I want my daughter and the rest of the family to consider all aspects of what it means to take care of a dog.

For now the most evident factor against having a dog is a financial aspect. Although, that is from my perspective. If we have to sustain the costs of a dog we will have to cut on other expenses. Next to that we have practical points to take care of like who is going to walk the dog several times a day, how will it work out with the cats, who is going to take care of the dog when we go on holidays, etc.

Funny is the battle that goes on in myself. On one side I like the idea of having a dog and if, on top of that, we can give this being a better life, why not do it. I must admit that the financial part scares me most. As we still have some challenges sometimes to get at the end of the month because every month it seems we have some extra’s to cover, I am not very keen in choosing for an action that will involve some initial costs and systematic extra monthly costs with a very slim but still extra chance that we might run in extra veterinary bills if we consider worst case scenario’s.

So, how to face this situation and keep everybody happy? Since it is a father’s duty to keep family members happy, isn’t it? I’ve already agreed my daughter will look at the real costs of having a dog. The fear or pressure she feels now is that the dogs are available now and nobody knows when a similar situation with the almost ideal dog race will repeat itself.

Important here is not to allow ourselves to be distracted by opinions, emotions and fears. We have to consider all points carefully and sum up all pros and cons to make a final decision at this moment in time. This will be a process all members of our family will have to walk for themselves.

For me the main point is the financial point that, seen purely from a practical aspect, will impact our immediate cash availability for this and maybe next month, and a little extra to consider on a monthly basis. To decide here is if we want and can postpone or change immediate expenses. The easiest way to save money is to spend less on food but that will force us to buy cheaper and unhealthier food.

All the other points are also relevant but a lot easier to consider although they might have a considerable impact, like walking the dog, feeding and cleaning. I also wonder how wise it is to add a dog to the family with two cats of a certain age? Will they go along or will there be constant stress for the cats?

We can do a lot of research on what other people have experienced in similar situations but nevertheless we will only know exactly by walking it. So, if it is really something we all want to give a try we will have to discuss the matter as a family and go through all the points to come to a self-honest decision that is based on what is best for all.

As part of the DIP course I will go through my personal points related to this matter and use self forgiveness to analyse and debunk the layers behind each of these points.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to fear any matter that potentially leads to unwanted and uncontrolled costs.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to consider expenses that are not initiated by basic needs or already established patterns as unwanted and as a threat to stability.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to swing between wanting to be able to say yes to any kind of expenses and holding tight to not spending an extra penny on anything more than absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to fear uncontrolled expenses just because I label it as uncontrolled where I can take action to make sure there is no thing as uncontrolled expenses and enough buffer to handle unforeseen costs.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel being a bad parent when I can not unconditionally approve the desire of my daughter just because it seems the best option to make her happy.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself the feeling that I need to make my daughter happy is more important than looking at the idea/proposal/wish in all its aspects and come to a joint decision we reached all together.

Fear of Money

Money-FearFor some time in the past months, I thought I could live in a quite tranquil way with not too many worries related to money. At least I thought! Apparently I stuffed away feelings and emotions related to money directly or indirectly. This became evident when I started to take action in order to get back the rental guarantee deposit of 1000 euro we already should have been paid back a couple of months ago. I sent several mails to the rental company without getting any answer. Bad sign. Especially when I started to do a research on internet to find that I was not the only one waiting to be paid (back) by this company. And if you can find similar cases on the internet you know you’ve just seen the tip of the iceberg.
By doing this by all means necessary research I was building up some specific energy trying to suppress many thoughts like “what if I do not manage to get back the guarantee sum?”. Extra emotions loading in this case since I have a similar situation with the landlady of the room I rented for a month until I hurriedly left the house since it became impossible for me to live there. The result was that I paid 500 euro guarantee deposit and a month rent plus a month paid upfront and until today I did not manage to get back the deposit. The landlady most probably left the country and rented the house to someone else. I am still asking myself if I should try to get my money back or that it is useless to put any effort in this. Every time our household is frustrated by lack of enough money to do what we should normally able to do I think of this point I have not been able to close properly. I still believe there should be a way to get my money back.
In all occasions, it has been enough to think about writing or calling the landlady or rental company or reading a reply from the latter to find myself with a heart beating like hell and become short breathed. Although I manage to get hold of myself quickly these situations repeat themselves every time. It became better when I decided to take a specific action. I wrote a mail CC-ing to all addresses I could find of the rental company explaining to them the consequences for us as a family for not getting back the money. This, to my surprise, led to an answer from their side asking for specific paperwork to prove everything was handled properly on payments for electricity and water and a couple of other things. When that was done I finally got a call from a bank stating I was going to be paid back in six terms since the company is in financial troubles. I agreed under protest.
Not seeing any payment after this call I contacted the bank and finally got the first payment but not the expected amount. I wrote an email to the rental company asking them to give proof they spent money on cleaning since that was the money they deducted from the caution. After a second mail with a clear explanation of the consequences for them to ask money for services not executed (with proof they could never have done the cleaning) I finally had the difference wired to my bank account. The cool thing here is that I managed to be stable while writing the second mail and therefore managed to produce something that was clearly understood. This should prove to me I am able to stand in specific situations also situations related to money. What I need to do is to get rid of the fears related to money.

Lets see what fear points I can recognize. I will start with the triggers.
* E-mail messages from people or institutions I am dealing with in relation to money

* Telephone calls from people or institutions related to money

* Letters from the tax authorities

* Checking my bank account (fear to find out there is even less money than expected)
How can I address these fear points? By debunking them. What I see is that if I manage to leave no open threads or loose ends I can avoid that things I pushed away with the idea that I can not handle them (due to a lack of money  for instance) will represent themselves finding me unprepared to deal with them. It is not fully taking responsibility for all I do.
Why do I tend not to take full responsibility is actually a point of making myself victim of a situation, in this case I see myself as a victim of the fact I do not have enough money to pay all my bills. This is made even stronger by the fact I am waiting for money from others that could have avoided the fact I am in trouble.
The solution here is simple. Instead of pushing away the fact I need to do something with it and wait for better times I can figure out how to inform people about the situation and make sure everybody knows what is going on. Then I could put some pressure on those that owe me money like I did with the e-mail to the rental company.
But what about my heart beating like hell when seeing a mail from my parents. It is not this way any more but for quite some time I could not see a mail from my parents in my inbox without having a strong reaction to it. I even postponed the reading of the mail until I calmed down a bit or when having a quiet moment to read it, never in between. I experienced the same with mails from the rental company, and in some other occasions too. The general factor I see here is that all this is money related. The relation with my parents is very much based on money. If there were troubles or misunderstanding it was always directly or indirectly related to money. It has been so bad that even when we really needed some help as a family just to cover simple living expenses like buying food we would not ask my parents for money.
The question is why is there all this energy connected to money. On one side I see it all starts with the fear of not having (enough) money and since I experienced what it means to have no money, even if it is for a couple of days, the experience is humiliating in a practical way. Without money you can to anything, you can not go anywhere, on a bicycle eventually, no groceries or very limited, no socializing in public places, not invite people to your place since you can’t offer them anything. A kind of paralysing effect. It is in a way as if you are dying. So, the real fear is the fear of death. If you rationalize the situation (afterwards) you see that there is a long way to go between the for your experience so threatening experience and real death but it is definitely an experience linked to death.
Another point is that you start questioning yourself why you of all people on earth are the one to experience this. Is it my fault? Where did I miss the point, where did it go wrong? Why am I in this position? It starts to become an existential crisis on top of the misery of not having money. No work, no social life, plenty of time to think… Only yourself to blame and an ego not allowing you to admit you are the real and only cause of it. Until you start admitting and accepting that you are the cause and the solution of the situation. It was interesting when we started to share with people our situation that we got all kind of help from some people. The fact we were not ashamed of our situation was the first step to get out of it. To get to this step you will have to start being honest with yourself. The Desteni tools helped us a lot and although the way to a stable financial situation is still a matter of perseverance and patiently waiting until we are realigned with the system, we now see that we changed our situation and will not fall back to the same troubles without being able to recognize the pitfalls and knowing what to do to avoid repeating the same situations.
As mentioned before, self-honesty is very important in the process of clearing up situations and loopings.
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1. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep a certain hope I will manage to get back the money from my landlady although I know that most probably any effort is going to lead to more frustration.

When and as I see myself participating in a belief that holding on to a hope will eventually lead to results, I stop and breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in this point any further. I realize that I know the beginning and the end of this pattern as I have walked this pattern and I see where it leads. I also realize that there is no reason for me to participate within the pattern of hoping to get back the money as it is clear that, looking at this specific situation in all possible aspects, the landlady is not going to pay. Therefore I stop and do not participate.

I see, realize and understand that the hope something is going to happen is just a mindfuck and has nothing to do with reality. Therefore I see I am manipulating myself with a belief that is distracting me from being self-directive and use my common sense in how to move on in life. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
2. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let my mind to fantasize about how I am going to put pressure on my landlady in order to get her to see she is causing damage to others and to motivate her to pay the money back.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that fantasizing about how specific things eventually might happen based on hope, I stop and breathe and do not allow myself to participate in this point any further. I realize that I know the beginning and the end of this pattern and as I have walked this pattern and I see where it leads. I also realize that there is no reason for me to participate within the pattern of fantasizing on how I could eventually change the behaviour of specific people, therefore I stop and do not participate.

I see, realize and understand that allowing the mind to take over that what I believe is reality is deceiving and fooling myself. Therefore I see I am allowing the mind to take over and prevent myself to see live in its full extent. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

 

3. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to make a detour on my way home just to see If there is somebody home in the house of my landlady as if I am hoping to bump into her so I meet her ‘by accident’ and create an occasion to remind her of her duties.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that going back to places that hold memories in the hope they will cause things to move into a desired direction, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where this pattern leads to as I have walked it already. I stop and do not participate in it as I realize that there is no reason for me participating in mind created scenarios, as I know they most probably will not play out as I imagined.

I see, realize and understand that going back to specific locations that refer to situations I have not wrapped up in the hope this will cause a movement towards the desired and plotted outcome I am actually deceiving myself. Therefore I see I am allowing myself to believe I am able to create reality scenario’s even if they are based on self interest. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
4. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to accept that the fact I will get my rental caution deposit back from my landlady is improbable and any effort put into it is useless.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that continuing to put effort in actions that clearly and seen in common sense will not lead to any result, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. Therefore I stop and do not participate in it as I realize there is no reason for me holding on to the idea that getting my money back from the landlady is still possible.

I see, realize and understand that keeping on pushing a point beyond a commonsensical boundary is not going to change the outcome. Therefore I see I am allowing me to remain stuck in a point so I allow the mind to play games with me. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
5. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to have checked all options I have in my power to communicate with my landlady in order to remember her of the fact I still get money from her.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have not gone over all possible options just because I did not manage to achieve that specific goal and not considering all dimensions involved, I stop and I breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate in this pattern of being uncertain of the fact I used all possible options to communicate with my landlady as I realize there is no reason for me to do so.

I see, realize and understand that when checking when in a specific situation, after I have gone through all possible options and dimensions, I did not achieve a specific goal, I start doubting If I have gone through it properly. Therefore I see I am actually doubting myself allowing a escape possibility to justify why I need to hold on to a specific point instead of closing it. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
6. I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel the energy building up while writing self-forgiveness sentences about this topic with in my mind going over all options left pending that I still consider as an option to get that money.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that holding on to beliefs I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it several times before. Therefore I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of allowing myself to build up energy (fed by the fear of lack of money and the hope this is a way to get some money) as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that holding on to beliefs is a way of self-deception and distraction preventing me to properly focus on the points in life I need to address. Therefore I see I am actually using beliefs as a way to escape my responsibilities. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
Worries:

7. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel worried in relation to money expressing so the fact I did not take appropriate action to avoid that specific situation in the moment by not fully understanding the responsibilities I had to take when making specific money related decisions. And therefore I use the feeling of worry as an excuse to not take full responsibility for money related decisions.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I have to feel worried when it comes to making money related decisions causing myself not to take full responsibility on that specific point I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of feeling worried and insecure when having to deal with money related decisions as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by feeling worried/uncertain in relation to how to deal with money actions and decisions I am avoiding/postponing the point of having to face reality and then take an appropriate action that might reveal points of myself I have not be (self-) honest with towards myself and others. Therefore I see I am actually abusing the fact to feel worried to hide myself and to be self-honest. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Stuffed away:

8. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stuff away, bury, ignore, push away feeling and emotions related to money and anything that had to do with money related matters and actions. In doing so I am denying myself the possibility to research the cause of these feeling and emotions preventing myself to take action and stop them effectively, freeing myself from an unnecessary burden and distraction in my mind and allowing myself to focus effectively on actions to take.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that by stuffing away any emotion and feeling in relation to money I manage to avoid consequences related to money I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of pushing away money triggered or related feeling and emotions as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by suppressing emotions/reactions related to my relationship with money, I am potentially creating a time bomb that is eventually going to explode. Therefore I see I am actually avoiding to face myself in relation to money and therefore creating unnecessary consequences for myself and my family. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

Not letting go:

9. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the point of hoping to get back money from the landlady while failing to see I have a starting point of hope driven by the need to have this money to solve a shortcoming while not seeing this is all based on unrealistic idea’s and not facts and that focussing on other points with a greater chance of success makes much more sense.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that by hoping and holding on to a specific point will finally lead to a desired outcome I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of having hopes based on unrealistic idea’s as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

10. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the fact of not having enough money to buy groceries and therefore not being able to feed my family and myself properly, decently or at all, risking to become hungry, as something that might us to eventually starve, starve to death!

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that not having enough money to buy food for my family and myself causing myself to become blinded by fear I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to since I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in allowing fear for death to blind myself as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting fear to blind and blur my abilities to stand as one as life, I am compromising the well being of myself and my family by not using my resources in the best way I can to move myself to a better life. Therefore I see I am actually not taking my responsibility for my life and the situation I am living in. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
11. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the fact others owe me money as an excuse to delay payment of my bills and so delaying and expanding the ripple effect of the non-payment effect while in at the same time seeing no way out to avoid this situation in the moment itself and therefore blaming myself not having taken timely action to avoid stranding in this situation with no financial buffers and becoming so a amplifier of actions of others instead of being able to stop this.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that there is no other way to deal with a shortage of money then using the excuse for delaying my payments to others because others are delaying payments to me, I stop and breathe and end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of using the fact others are not paying me in time) to delay payments to others instead of having taken my responsibility by anticipating this possibility and using buffers to stop this snowball effect as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting that the the lack of money justifies the fact I am not able to pay for my debts. Therefore I see I am actually using the excuse that others have to pay me before being able to pay what I am due to pay. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
12. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have fear of not having (enough) money to be able to go anywhere thus feeling limited in my freedom and therefore experiencing the lack of money as a limitation of my freedom, as an imprisonment of myself in the prison of poverty, self-blame, failure.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that a shortage of money is a definite and unconditional limitation of my freedom of movement, leading myself in the belief of being held in the prison of poverty, self-blame and failure, I stop and I breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of self-blame when dealing with money shortage as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by accepting that money is the only tool/resource that will allow me to move myself in my life. Therefore I see I am limiting myself by setting up non existent boundaries in my mind and believe they are real. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
13. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the fact of not having enough money to be able to socialize in public places because I might come into the situation I might to have to offers someone a drink, this leading myself into a social isolation and finally to become fully ignored by society.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that a shortage of money leads to a limiting myself in being able to socialize in public places and therefore putting myself in a social isolation, I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I stop and do not participate any longer in the pattern of fear for isolation due to lack of money as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by allowing money to control my ability to socialize I am actually allowing money to be the directive point in what I can do/express. Therefore I see I am limiting myself and creating a situation of stall and self-blame. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
14. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the fact of not having money as paralyzing by identifying myself as money instead of standing as myself as who I am as a being.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I am equal to the money I own with all limitations as an outflow of this belief I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate any longer in the pattern of identifying myself as money as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by seeing myself equal to money I am limiting myself and within this limiting the people I interact with, I share my life with. Therefore I see I am actually using money as an excuse of not being able to take my responsibilities. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Self blame:

15. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wonder why I of all people on this earth am the one to be chosen to be in this situation of having no money, blaming myself to be the cause of this all while I fail to see that my starting point is self blame and seeing myself as money and therefore limiting myself into impossible boundaries, actually imprisoning myself in my own thoughts and opinions.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I am the chosen one to be in this ‘special’ situation of having no money I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of self-blame based on my thoughts and opinions  as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that I am using the specialness belief to separate myself from reality. Therefore I see I am actually creating a polarity to create mind energy and distract myself. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Extra emotions while doing research:

16. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to add-on emotions of another situation while looking for background information on the rental company, as if in that way I wanted to make the whole even worse emotion wise and therefore not allowing myself to focus and to stand with that specific point I was doing research on.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that escalating emotions is the best way to deal with problems I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have already walked it before. I stop and do not longer participate in the pattern of emotion escalation/improvement/enrichment that is only resulting in a lack of focus as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by letting emotions to build up I am acting in a selfish way and preventing myself to have a clear picture of the real proportion of the matters I am dealing with.Therefore I see am am actually avoiding self-responsibility and feed the mind with energy. Thus i do not accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern any further.
Frustration due to a lack of money:

17. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated by the fact I was not able to support my family financially and therefore expressing I was not in control of the situation by seeing myself as a powerless victim not having been able to avoid the situation or even worse, to have willingly ignored or allowed situations to be created that had as an outflow/consequence I had to face the situations I eventually might have been able to avoid.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I can not avoid to become a victim of situations in relation to money I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I do not longer participate in the pattern of seeing myself as a victim of money related situations even though I have created them myself as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that by victimizing myself in relation to money I am using self-blame instead of taking full responsibility for the direction in my life. Therefore I see that I am using self-blame as an excuse for not standing as equal as life. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.
Fear of death triggered by social and practical limitations due to lack of money:

18. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the limitations of having little or no money as a limitation to life and therefore seeing it as a life threatening point creating a fear of death.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that money limitations are life limitations creating fear of death I stop and breathe. I end this pattern as I can see where it leads to as I have walked it before. I do not longer participate in the pattern of experiencing money related limitation as a death threat as I realize there is no reason for me in doing so.

I see, realize and understand that through allowing myself to believe money is equal to life, I am limiting myself in realizing myself and at the same time feeding my self-blame. Therefore I see that I am using money as a way to control my life instead of being self-directing. Thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this pattern any further.

No U-turn allowed

no-U-turnThis blog is analyzing the origins of specific points of which I am walking the consequences right now in my day to day life. A U-turn to go back in time to correct or change my decisions is no option, so I will have to investigate specific moments in my past to be able to understand and correct myself here and now. Only so I will be able to stop ever returning patterns.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago

– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house

– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job

– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes

– Sold our house for less money than expected

– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house

– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house

– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was

– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company

Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)

– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

– Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago
– Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house
– No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job
– Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes
– Sold our house for less money than expected
– No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house
– Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house
– Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was
– Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company
– Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)
– Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Motivated by survival

During my working day I decided that tonight I will do some work that I want to be finished by tomorrow. It is one of those days where a lot of unforeseen (unwanted?) things happened and caused my planning not to fit anymore into the available hours. Making this decision I was surprised by the fact it was so easy to make and to assume that I will indeed do it. If i them compare my behavior when it is blog writing or working on my DIP assignments I see a big difference. I am much less motivated.

Let’s have a look at my motivation. What is really motivating me? The fact I want to have things done within the timeframe I agreed on with others? Or does it go deeper? What is it that keeps me running faster for my boss than for myself? Yes, that is it! Writing my blogs and doing my DIP assignments is all stuff I do for mySelf. Making long days in the office and even continuing the work at home is… Fear, Enslavement! Fear to be seen as less competent by my superiors/boss, enslavement by the money system that tells me to work more and more so I can save holidays for extra days off or to be paid as extra salary.

So, enslavement/money/fear are more important than Self. That is not a good balance. But how to find this balance? How to establish the energy/time to dedicate to work and to Self development?

Self-honesty!

Within Self-honesty it is not possible to decide that work is more important than working on my self development. It is equally important. The first to properly function in the system/matrix with no need to exaggerate, the second to become more stable and aware of Life so I can stand as one as breath to the benefit of all and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my job to be more important than my self development through blogging and doing my DIP assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my self development through blogging and dong my DIP assignment as less important than my job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of survival to decide what is the best to be done instead of allowing myself in a specific moment to stop and breath and in that moment decide what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by false arguments drive by fear of survival and enslavement to money instead of get things done because what I do is simply in the best interest of all.