Temporarily out of order

IMG_20170704_112140My right arm is in a sling and to be considered out of order. I will share here my experiences of living with a physical limitation. It will be for a while, but nobody knows for how long exactly.

While during the first couple of days I was living through the aftermath of the accident as a new experience, I am now entering a phase where the situation I am in starts looking less compelling. I know the best and most constructive way to move on is to slow myself down and focus on doing everything that is beneficial to the healing of my body.

So, I mainly focus on slowing myself down by living my moments breath by breath. I realise while doing simple things like peeling a banana or scooping a spoonful of yoghurt from a bowl, that until now I’ve been doing these movements on an automatic pilot, barely aware of what I was actually doing, just focusing on the goal, the result.

Although it might sound strange, I am glad to have this opportunity happening to me, as it kind of forces me to slow down and be more conscious of the things I do in my everyday life. I’ve said to myself that we should not take everything for granted, but never actually lived that statement. Now, on a small and personal scale, I am living this statement. When I struggle to put on my t-shirt and when finally done I find out I’ve put it on backwards, I take a breath, check how my physical is doing and start the process of taking  my t-shirt off and on again with focus and consideration for my limitations, pushing myself to be creative in finding the best way to do what I am doing.

I might have allowed myself to get frustrated and with that I might have compromised the whole situation for myself. But I could not imagine myself pushing through movements that would jeopardise the healing process, nor I could see myself waiting half dressed, as a victim of the situation, until someone came home to help me.

By taking a simple breath and allowing myself to slow down in that very moment I allowed myself to consider all aspects of the situation and define the best way to proceed without compromises. This approach that is simple and also quite challenging from a mind perspective, will contribute to me healing swiftly and will leave no room for possible regrets on actions that in a moment of frustration might have influenced my healing.

In general, being in a condition where some activities are just not possible to perform, the biggest challenge is not to be tempted to do them anyway. The temptations might seem very legitimate. I decided to bake pancakes for lunch the day after the accident. I managed but I was exhausted and did movements I should have avoided. The reason I decided to do it was driven by a feeling of guilt towards my partner who is the primary person to compensate for the tasks I am not able to perform. But the reason my partner was already very busy and tired should never be a reason for me to jeopardise my own situation. The best way to approach these situations is to discuss together the limitations and the possibilities and so agree on the priorities. This prevents unwanted consequences and frustrations that might escalate and lead to more unwanted situations.

My goal for the next days is to take it day by day, checking my healing process and do whatever I can to contribute to my healing. I am in the luxury position I can focus on myself and by doing so I make sure I will be available to do my tasks and contribute normally again soon.

No! Not my espresso machine!

In the run of sorting out everything in preparation for the move from Italy to Holland, my partner asked me what to do with the broken espresso machine I’d left in the garage catching dust. I left it there since it stopped working about a year ago. I started drinking coffee made with the typical Italian ‘caffettiera’ and enjoyed that coffee a lot. Later I stopped drinking coffee completely due to a sugar, yeast and wheat free diet that included avoiding any kind of mould, fungi, etc. including caffeine.

Within this context it seems logical to get rid of the machine. Common sense will dictate how we should dispose of the machine but my reaction to the question was everything but common sense. I almost shouted that it was a crazy idea to dispose of an expensive machine that just needs to be checked in order to work again. I said that I would think about it and decide later.

I started to ask myself a couple of questions. Why is this machine so important to me. Is it because its value expressed in money? Or is it because the value I am giving it based on my personal emotions and feelings. Yes! It is fear of loss! On the moment my partner suggested to get rid of the espresso machine I feared to loose the possibility to have a nice cup of coffee. What value does that fear have when I know I did not use the machine and could drink very good coffee from a much simpler coffee pot? To make the picture complete, I could not afford the machine to be repaired at the time so I was kind of forced in finding another solution. It’s a fear of not being able to go back to a nice and cherished experience. But what kind of experience? Looking at it now it seems ridiculous. Year ago I could talk hours about Italian coffee, the way it should be brewed and the way you should drink it.

Another point is that I started to drink coffee again on a couple of occasions. The experience is different compared to the period I had a coffee every day. If the taste is not good I will just not have it again. I am still in doubt if I really enjoy drinking coffee again. If my starting point is to have an enjoyable warm drink, coffee is not getting high scores. So, it might be the right time to stop holding on old memories connected to mindfucks about coffee drinking experiences.

This leaves me with one practical question, what am I going to do with an espresso machine that needs to be serviced at an unknown cost? Am I going to sell it in a country where everybody drinks his or her coffee in a bar? Am I going to bring it to the Netherlands to sell it here? Makes a little more sense since in the Netherlands there are quite some people enjoying the good coffee made by an espresso machine at home. There is even a kind of fan club for this specific machine. I guess the best option is to sell it in the Netherlands since its value is quite high.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let memories influence my behavior when reacting on common sense questions regarding object to keep or to get rid off.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to connect memories to objects so I experience a fear of loss when I have to get rid of the object.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to face myself regarding the emotions and feelings I have in connection with the idea of coffee drinking. The real coffee drinking is not connected anymore with the memory and therefore I can let it go with no fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself that I reacted on the proposal of disposing the espresso machine just because I was not clear with myself how I stand regarding the consumption of coffee as if it is a secret thing I want to keep for myself and no one is allowed to question my point of view.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not being able to react in common sense in every moment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath when confronted with the question of disposing of a machine, seeing it as a disposing of a memory and not the physical machine instead of breathing and seeing in the moment what solution is best for all.

One of three hundred sixty five

Although I do not particularly believe in starting something the first of January I am starting this blog exactly on this date (I am writing this part on December 31st just preparing the blog for the launch).

The time is ready to do some writing about my process of freeing myself from everything that is limiting my self in this world. My motivation (sorry for the word, I’ll come up with a better one later) is based on all what I am learning from following the process of my partner Sylvia. Even if I am not doing the SRA course of Desteni I’ve been ‘contaminated’ and once you are in this, there is no way back.

PS This blog is participating to The Daily Post of WordPress.com.