Only very recently I experienced I was walking very relaxed while whistling a song. I was enjoying the moment, the fresh morning air in my face, the street I was feeling through my feet, the movement of my body walking. It was a short moment before thoughts popped in again but nevertheless very enjoyable. ‘Wow’ I thought, this is to live the moment, being aware of your body being in contact with what is around. I started to guess why I was so relaxed and could come up with a series of reasons that seen from a perspective of the mind could be important to justify why I hadn’t been able to experience this before. To keep it brief all the reasons were based on some kind of self limitation. It is as if I ran out of plausible justifications for not dedicating myself to enjoying life.
The past months have been full of challenges aiming at one goal: restoring the stability of my life and that of my family. The whole thing started with the need to generate a stable income. This meant I had to quit my life as a self employed person with a uncertain income and look for a job. While living separated from my wife and children I managed to find a great job. A couple of months later, which could have been less if I did not allow myself to limit my possibilities by some convictions about availability of houses to rent, I was able to rent a place where we could live again as a family. Thanks to the help of friends we managed to move all our stuff from Italy to the Netherlands. Next milestone is to settle and get organized again, a process that for some odd reason seems harder that ever experienced before.
Looking at my situation right now what I would try to achieve is to get everything around me organized before allowing myself to do other activities than assembling furniture, unpacking boxes, organizing my stuff. I see that I can look at the situation in two ways, the first is to see all the things that still need to be done as a kind of backlog that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible in order to reach that ideal starting point from where I can pick up normal life again. The second is to see the situation for what it is in the moment and evaluate in that very moment what should be done taking into consideration what is best for all and the consequences of doing or not doing certain things.
I am not there yet, but taking it all breath by breath it is amazing what I manage to do in a relative short span of time. So, back to blogging and writing myself out, picking up again the process of writing myself to freedom. No excuses anymore to frustrate this process.