In the run of sorting out everything in preparation for the move from Italy to Holland, my partner asked me what to do with the broken espresso machine I’d left in the garage catching dust. I left it there since it stopped working about a year ago. I started drinking coffee made with the typical Italian ‘caffettiera’ and enjoyed that coffee a lot. Later I stopped drinking coffee completely due to a sugar, yeast and wheat free diet that included avoiding any kind of mould, fungi, etc. including caffeine.
Within this context it seems logical to get rid of the machine. Common sense will dictate how we should dispose of the machine but my reaction to the question was everything but common sense. I almost shouted that it was a crazy idea to dispose of an expensive machine that just needs to be checked in order to work again. I said that I would think about it and decide later.
I started to ask myself a couple of questions. Why is this machine so important to me. Is it because its value expressed in money? Or is it because the value I am giving it based on my personal emotions and feelings. Yes! It is fear of loss! On the moment my partner suggested to get rid of the espresso machine I feared to loose the possibility to have a nice cup of coffee. What value does that fear have when I know I did not use the machine and could drink very good coffee from a much simpler coffee pot? To make the picture complete, I could not afford the machine to be repaired at the time so I was kind of forced in finding another solution. It’s a fear of not being able to go back to a nice and cherished experience. But what kind of experience? Looking at it now it seems ridiculous. Year ago I could talk hours about Italian coffee, the way it should be brewed and the way you should drink it.
Another point is that I started to drink coffee again on a couple of occasions. The experience is different compared to the period I had a coffee every day. If the taste is not good I will just not have it again. I am still in doubt if I really enjoy drinking coffee again. If my starting point is to have an enjoyable warm drink, coffee is not getting high scores. So, it might be the right time to stop holding on old memories connected to mindfucks about coffee drinking experiences.
This leaves me with one practical question, what am I going to do with an espresso machine that needs to be serviced at an unknown cost? Am I going to sell it in a country where everybody drinks his or her coffee in a bar? Am I going to bring it to the Netherlands to sell it here? Makes a little more sense since in the Netherlands there are quite some people enjoying the good coffee made by an espresso machine at home. There is even a kind of fan club for this specific machine. I guess the best option is to sell it in the Netherlands since its value is quite high.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let memories influence my behavior when reacting on common sense questions regarding object to keep or to get rid off.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to connect memories to objects so I experience a fear of loss when I have to get rid of the object.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not to face myself regarding the emotions and feelings I have in connection with the idea of coffee drinking. The real coffee drinking is not connected anymore with the memory and therefore I can let it go with no fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself that I reacted on the proposal of disposing the espresso machine just because I was not clear with myself how I stand regarding the consumption of coffee as if it is a secret thing I want to keep for myself and no one is allowed to question my point of view.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself not being able to react in common sense in every moment. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath when confronted with the question of disposing of a machine, seeing it as a disposing of a memory and not the physical machine instead of breathing and seeing in the moment what solution is best for all.