This morning, while driving A. to school for exams, we had a black car in front us having a uncertain driving style, fast on straight tracks, slow in curves. At a certain point I saw the driver threw a cigarette out of the window and I cynically was waiting for the package to follow. Instead of that a white paper napkin came out of the window. Apparently the driver finished the ‘pasta’ (see picture) and wanted to get rid of useless things.
At that point I felt anger coming up. Why? Why was this person throwing out all kind of stuff in nature? My mind was racing to find ways of revenge, but did not manage to come up with anything suitable other than overtaking the car and stop it. And then? Spitting my rage over a person that is probably not aware of what she is doing (later I saw it was a young lady)? Useless.
The way I felt the rage coming up was scary. I almost felt that if I did not manage to control it I might have lost myself in that anger. I was aware of what was happening to me and I could quite easily remain in control. I was surprised this time by the ease a situation or trigger could so easily lead to an escalation within me. The next step was becoming possessed with the anger and the consequential outflow could have been a series of actions aimed at this person until I could make MY point. Pointless, if you look at this from where I stand now.
These situation happened before but I’ve never managed to have such a clear view of what happened to me. I can now address the issue properly and start working out the causes. Nice example of my ongoing process!