It drives me crazy


Very often in the evening, when we are all in our living room doing our own thing like homework for the kids and writing, blogging, reading for S and me my son J starts having his autistic behavior. It seems to be triggered by matters that require particular concentration or performance. Tonight is one of those nights that he is not able to get through this point and is stuck on the same page in his exercise book for ages. Meanwhile he is making all kind of sounds with voice and mouth, he is calling the cats constantly, hugging them systematically, alternated with ticking  and the making of other noise. Another typical behavior is the constant flow of questions like “What are you doing?” or “Who is the craziest of all?”.

It is very difficult to ignore this and to concentrate on your own work. The behavior can stop as suddenly as it started, you  never know when it is going to be the case. Sometimes it can take hours before he is over it and finally manages to do his homework. And since he is waiting with doing his homework until after dinner it happens he is still busy until one o’ clock in the night.

If like tonight it is not stopping it tends to drive me crazy. I try to ignore it and if that does not work I do other things like washing the dishes. I then sit down again and try to concentrate again on my work. Like now J is in front of his book for almost two hours and has only done one exercise. He has two other subjects to do after this one. He hooks in to every discussion enjoying the distraction but remaining in his kind of possession.

It eventually tends to stress me out and makes me mad. These are my reactions to the situation and are fed by my own inability to do something about the situation. Now I am looking at it I see that all I am doing is imposing my will on my son in my own interest. I feel supported by A and S who are having the same issues. I am not considering the fact that also J is taken hostage by his mind and is not able to stop this on his own right now.

In previous situations we managed to stop the possession leaving J crying out of frustration and maybe relief. Unfortunately we need to cause a kind of shock situation to achieve this, not very nice to do. We (S and I) see a relation between vaccinations and the fact J started to show signs of autistic behavior. I see it as a huge challenge to find proper ways to assist J in making his life as functional as possible. However I have no clue what I should do to help and assist J. I am clueless.

This clueless situation is hammering me every time J shows his extreme behavior as if it is telling me, reminding me I have to do something about it. Within my actual situation of having to work a lot under the pressure of time and deadlines, I feel I will run into trouble in dedicating time to find out why I am reacting to this behavior in such a strong way, and to do research and finding the proper ways to assist J.

Looking at my reactions to the noise I see a direct relationship between the amount of frustration and the time it takes J to get over it. I also see a relationship between an increasing frustration and the fact it gets late (convictions) and I am getting more tired (feeling) and risking (fear) to have a harder time in finishing the work I have to do (money). OMG! A lot of work to be done here! The first step I need to make is to accept the fact it is me reacting to the behavior of J and that in order to stop my frustration I have to stop reacting to J’s behavior the way I do now.

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