Tonight I am stuck in a situation in which I am wondering what should be the best action to take. Since a couple of hours we are listening and looking to a life stream of Al Jazeera reporting about the situation in Cairo. It seems as if we are captured by this flow of information apparently paralyzing the normal sequence of facts in our daily routine. I am clearly building up something in my mind that is related to me expecting certain things to happen like preparation for dinner that seems to be forgotten.Where I am getting hungry I tend to get edgy.
One of the issues I am seeing is dealing with the flexible way of dealing with time. Not always so easy to deal with what my mind suggests to me. On the other hand the same happens in the opposite way when I am coming home late from work, however, the rest of the family is not really caring since they can start eating without me. But what if the person that should start cooking isn’t making dinner? Even not after a couple of hints. What should I do without being rude? Funny, It all happens in my mind right now while I am writing. Mindfuck so to say. Ok, let’s look at it practically. S. is finishing a vest and is not starting with dinner before it is finished. Should I then start making dinner? Not very efficient since I will need at least twice the time to cook dinner risking to make something the kids might not appreciate. But I am hungry! Ok, instead of waiting I already started with my blog. Thanks mindfuck for this opportunity.
So, no dinner yet but at least I will be able to wear the new vest S. has been making today. Unfortunately also this is not the reality. The sweater is not finished yet but at least S. decided to make dinner. I am really astonished by how the mind can make such a big issue of this kind of small events while I actually should be free of this so I can focus on things that matter and have benefit for all and not just for me. Anyway, the fact I am writing about it is already taking care of deflating the whole thing and bring it to the real proportions. If it really is such a problem for me to have a late dinner then I should have taken initiative by cooking dinner. The issue is not big enough in this case and the consequences of a change of tasks not desirable.
While trying to understand why I have such a problem with dinner being delayed I am coming up with the fact I have to adapt my schedule, I can not be as effective as I can be with a full belly, I am afraid that everything is shifting to a later time casing us to go to bed even later than we already do. Here comes in the fear of not having enough sleep and again not being able to be productive enough to make sure I can earn the money we need so badly. Yes, we are back to fear and money. Everything starts from there. It is about time for an equal money system!
A while later, after having discussed these experiences with S. we came to the conclusion we still had quite a few constructs that are typical of a relationship. We also came to the conclusion we are now able to discuss these things on a constructive way, understanding what is going on and where the mind is playing tricks with us. We found out we were both supposing things for the other. I was supposing S. was not making dinner because she did not care for the time and S. supposed in all the things I said in relation to the vest she was making I actually was pushing her to hurry up and finish it for me. Both things being untrue. To make it even more evident on how we tend to feel attacked and as a result defend ourselves I saw how I reacted on the fact S. was telling me how she felt pushed by me to finish her work. I was reacting on this saying I certainly was not and that I learnt to patiently wait until something is ready. I was apparently defending my image as a nice husband defending the harmony in the family relationships.
I also found a couple of practical point I simply did not see while being preoccupied with more ‘important’ things. I felt very hungry but after a tip of S. I realized I did not drink enough water through the day and because of the lousy communication I have with my body I misinterpreted as being (only) hunger. Whenever I feel real hunger I should eat something to sustain my body instead of waiting and justify the delay with all kind of theories and excuses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my body food and water that it needs to maintain itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a pattern of convictions, ideas and opinions preventing me take actions that were in the best interest of all.