My relation with money (part 2 of many)


In my previous post I stated not having a drive coming from
money. I am not sure if that can be true since everything we do in
this reality is somehow connected to money. So lets have a closer
look at this and start with my first jobs. If I sell remember I
must have been 16 year old when I worked as
a gardener assistant for a couple of weeks during summer.
Why I did it? Good question. I can’t really remember the drive but
almost certainly it was a thing ‘suggested’ by my parents as a nice
thing to do since you could earn your own money with it. Lets
say that it was a first step of preparing myself to fit in the
system. As long as I was living home I did not need any extra money
to support myself. When I moved out of home it started to be a
little different. I had to manage all my expenses with a small
amount of money. This caused me to look for temporary work in
summertime to earn extra money in order to be able to afford
some holidays or other ‘luxury’ stuff. I still did not need it to
support myself. Weird if I look at it now, you work extra in order
to do extra things that you do not really need: consumerism. The
mind does not agree with this of course, seeking justification for
your need for a holiday in order to relax and recover
from the hard working. After my studies the situation got a little
more complex. From now I had to work in order to earn my living
without any help from my parents or the state. After la last study
I worked for an incoming Tour operator in Amsterdam. It was a
temporary job ending on December 31st. Since it was winter it was
hard to find a job in this sector and in February I ended working
for a large store as an order collector. It did not take me long to
make a little career and in less than a year I not only
had a permanent working contract but was running my
own department in the shop. The wage was above average
for the kind of job so I was happy and lived a regular live
participating in the normal consumer habits purchasing a PC, a
HI-FI set, a TV set, and in summer I had my couple of weeks
vacation in some other country. It did not last for long since I
got bored and wanted some new challenges (something to look into
since it is a clear pattern in my life) and wanted another job. The
new job consisted in selling water filters and related products
(including some kind of Herbalife products). The most
terrifying was the kind of business, based on a pyramid system.
Nevertheless my brother convinced me to join, he having been
recruited among economics students. In order to participate we had
to purchase our own goods we needed for demonstration purposes and
selling stock. Although the product were of apparent good quality
and seemed to be quite useful, I never managed to sell anything.
For the business that did not matter. The people at the top were
just making money by convincing as many people as
possible to participate in the projected profit in case they
managed to convince others to do the same. It took me
an uncomfortable long time to see something was wrong and
besides not earning any money I lost my investment too. Back to
normal jobs I finally ended up working for a call center where I
worked for quite some years before again I resigned seeking new
challenges in a new job. It could be that I was just doing all this
to have a confirmation on how well I was doing my job, changing
every time the working situation did not allow me anymore to prove
myself. I keep saying to myself that money was not my drive, but
why was I always nervous and eager at the same time at times of job
evaluations with directly connected financial consequences? At a
certain point I convinced myself that there was no other way for me
than to become self employed in order to follow my own line of
development, avoiding to have to perform tasks that I felt did not
fit into my projected career line. That was the start of a complete
new challenge. I managed to earn a fair amount of money
but strangely enough the expenses piled up and I never
really managed to get us into a real
comfortable financial situation. Besides my work there
was another important thread to consider, the dream of going ‘back’
to Italy in order to live a life that was more in contact with
nature. Here also there are many underlaying factors to do research
on. Working as a self employed person in Italy is very difficult,
especially if you try to do it in a fair way. On top of that the
wages and therefore the prices are much lower than in the
Netherlands and as a result I was making very little money. Looking
back it seems I’ve been separating myself from the system
systematically and in order to return to an income that can sustain
myself and my family I have to fit back into the system.
The job I am starting to do in this period is a good test on how I
am managing in doing so. Still unsolved remains the fact
I seem to be incapable of finding jobs that allow me to earn a fair
amount of money. Most certainly I have an issue there that blocks
me. Thinking of reasons that might cause this mindset I could even
come up with jealousy since I’ve been wondering my whole life how
it can be possible that some people can afford all the things they
display (houses, cars, motorbikes, holidays in exotic countries,
big parties, etc.). I always stated not to be a jealous person, but
I have some big doubts now.

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