My relation with money (part 1 of many)

It wasn’t difficult to pick a topic for today’s blog since it is a hot item on other blogs and vlogs too. Already for some time I’ve been wondering how I am really dealing with money. Apparently there are a lot of hidden feelings and emotions that I am not or barely aware of. Not to speak about the way I manifest myself within these money related constructs. It’s fascinating and complex, but I’ll try to do a first step in analyzing the matter.

First my roots. Apparently there hasn’t been any reason for me being regularly in situation of a lack of money in my past. My father always had good jobs and we lived a quite luxurious life especially regarding activities that, seen afterwards, were a direct consequence of the polarity that my father created in working very hard. I am talking about skiing in winter and sailing on our family sailboat in summer. These activities were not limited to the holidays but repeated itself almost every weekend up to the point that I as a teenager was fed up with skiing every time and chose to do something else.

When I look back I see what money means to my father. It is something that he worked for, he owns eagerly and it allows him to realize the life he planned to have. Ever since I moved out from home I’ve been living periods with very little and a little more money and on a few occasions I could have a nice living, never very luxurious though. It seems that I did not inherit anything that imposes me to see money as the main goal for my decisions in life. At least, that is what I think. Maybe I am somehow opposing to the example given by my father. One thing is certain, my attitude towards money never brought me prosperity.

Not having this drive coming from money and not seeing why I should make a career in some kind of business, my drive has been based on using my skills and improving them focussing on jobs I more or less liked. This has been a clear line in my decisions. I changed jobs as soon I felt I could not develop my knowledge and skills and was limited in my creativity. No way I was going to perform a job just for the sake of being there, doing the same thing every day and with no clear goal to work towards. Funny if I look at it now. I had a couple of occasions where I very easily could have earned money with a very little amount of effort. But I decided differently, also because I felt it was not right to earn money while not being productive on a certain level.

The consequences of this approach to work were that I almost always had tasks in my jobs I could easily handle causing me to invent challenging goals to achieve, most of the times concerning tasks that were not mine but of someone else leading to situations where I was doing the work of others without getting rewarded properly. This brings me to the point I am wondering about all the time. In my perception of honesty I am not able to take advantage of anybody (as long as I am aware of it) and the consequence of this was that others did take advantage of me in many situations.

So, resuming my situation, I am not eager enough to play the game of profit. Just because I am not willing to take advantage of others. I will probably adjust this statement later on in my process, but for now it could do.

Feeling that money is not important and not dictating or imposing what I should do in life is actually separating myself from the most important drive in our actual society. The consequence of this is that I almost all my grown up life been struggling with earning enough money to support myself.

Only very recently I decided that I had to stop not recognizing how the actual system works. It is going to be very fascinating to dig up where this resistance to the system comes from. All my life, since I was a little kid I have been wondering how things worked in the business world. I always had difficulties in picturing myself in some kind of job since I could not imagine how that would be. I also did not understand what my father was doing and why he was so stressed out from the work he did. Almost his whole working life he has been a manager or a CEO of a company (later a multinational) and with his humble education he probably always felt he had to walk on his toes to be able to do his job. It is very possible that I am resisting this picture of stressful working and let this influence my own decisions.

Having no idea’s about the kind of work I was going to do I never projected myself into specific situations especially not on the long term. I had no specific wishes and no drive to become a CEO, a manager of simply rich. Doing several jobs I discovered my real skills and only now I start to find the right ways to use these skills in situations that are letting me earn some money. But also there, every time I have to fix a price for my delivered services I feel I can not ask more than so much, mostly compromising my own financial situation and quite often also my credibility in a commercial way. I never had any doubt about my skills and the quality of the services I delivered so why doubting about the price to ask for these wonderful services? It seems that I am asking people to abuse my ‘kindness’ and most of the times people will do so.

I am starting with a new job right now. This time I am much more aware of how I am standing within the money system. I will put myself back to fit better into the system and no longer act as a money system outlaw. Therefore I’ll take my responsibilities to earn the money I need to support myself and my family (I’ll tackle the father construct somewhere in the future for sure) and of course I will describe my process in this blog.

Having said this it feels like having lifted the lid of a boiling pan just a little… I probably could start writing a daily post for a year just on this subject.



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