No U-turn allowed

This blog is analyzing the origins of specific points of which I am walking the consequences right now in my day to day life. A U-turn to go back in time to correct or change my decisions is no option, so I will have to investigate specific moments in my past to be able to understand and correct myself here and now. Only so I will be able to stop ever returning patterns.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

- Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago

- Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house

- No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job

- Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes

- Sold our house for less money than expected

- No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house

- Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house

- Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was

- Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company

- Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)

- Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

Today a new fact popped up that is adding to the list of consequences that have manifested since we as a family are back in society so to say. Already for a certain time I am seeing that since we moved to Italy, or maybe better, since we decided to move to Italy we started to plant a series of ‘things’ (I can’t figure out right now what should be a proper name) that grew over the years and which we are harvesting now, without having kept track of everything we have planted. I speak in we to indicate me and my partner as we are partners in crime in this, both having thought/created and accepted and allowed.

If I look back at the motivations we had for wanting to move to Italy I see now clearly it was a wish to escape. But to escape from what? Over the years, starting somewhere in my youth, I developed a view of the world that at first was very naive since I was raised in a family that had enough wealth to live a comfortable life. Later in life I experienced more and more how the real world was working. Where at first I was frustrated by the fact I was not able to grasp how things worked because they did not seem to work as I imagined, I slowly started to see that a lot of things were fucked up and started slowly but surely to distantiate myself from the ‘real’ world, at least I tried to do so. I was not willing to accept the world I was living in and started to make plans to escape the sick society in order to create my own micro world somewhere far away from everything.

If I look back at the period that preceded our ‘escape’ to a life on the edge of society I see a series of things that have not been managed properly. Most of these things are money related, and since life is money that shouldn’t be too surprising. There are several factors playing a role here. I will try to find a beginning here in my relation to money working backwards in time.

- Still paying the consequences of the loans I had to take a few years ago
- Issues with bank accounts that have not been properly closed down resulting in bank not willing to give us a mortgage for a new house
- No income due to work opportunities that dried up and forcing me to stop being self employed and to look for a new job
- Forced to get a loan to be able to pay my taxes
- Sold our house for less money than expected
- No money from the fine the first buyer of our house had to pay after he signed but could not pay for the house
- Extra expenses for lawyers and cleaning after a non successful sale and rent of our house
- Irregular income as self-employed consultant leading to a not so clear picture of what my financial situation was
- Lost job after not having a contract renewed due to lack of money within that company
- Changed job because I was looking for new challenges (From HP to a small company)
- Changed job because I felt I was doing work below my capabilities (From Ikea to HP)

So, where did it go wrong? Maybe my motivations or starting points. Why did I decide to swap job? When I decided to leave Ikea I did not have a new job. I decided to dive into a multi level marketing business where I was supposed to sell water filters. It did take a few months and some money to understand that this was not something for me. I was not a sales person and I was not prepared to sell to my friends and family trying to convince them to get into the business too. It was in the period right after this that I met my partner. In the first months of our relationship I settled and managed to get a job at HP.

Looking back the only motivation to leave a secure job was the fact I wanted a more challenging job and did not see any opportunities. Looking deeper, and this is a pattern that will come back more often, I see that I was looking for inspiration in order to do my day to day job. In other words, based on the feeling that my job was no fun anymore and did not give me the challenges I was looking for I decided to look for something else. The fact I looked for another job is not the point here, it is the motivation that lead to the fact of leaving my job. I have not been honest with myself (and to others) about this point and the fact I left one job without having another one. Why did I lie to myself? What was so important to achieve that I decided to lie and be blind for the real facts? Was it the hope to get rich? Was it the urge to get out of a boring day to day routine? Was it the idea to be free and do whatever I liked?

At last I managed to get back to earth and stopped participating in this idea of making money with a promising story overlooking all kind of important points. And finally I popped back into my place in the matrix and started working for a new employer. Not surprisingly this whole pattern popped up again. It took a little bit more than the previous time since I was settling more and more in the matrix of life, I got married, had children and all this was ok with a day to day routine of gong to the office doing slave work, every day again the same thing.

Also here I started to feel the burden of this much too static working environment. As soon as I saw the opportunity to leave for a more challenging job I left. I choose for a small company that was still tied (read entangled) to the corporate I was working for before. The only thing I did not foresee was that the crisis already started in these years (2002) and that Corporate HP was already taking measures. This trend of reducing costs, canceling training programs (I was working as a trainer) led to the fact that a couple of years later I ran out of business (by that time I was self-employed). I could have seen that, but I was blinded by the pictures of living in a remote area in the countryside somewhere in Italy.

And here I am touching another point. Italy! Ever since I finished school and moved from Italy, where I lived most of my youth, to the Netherlands I wanted to go back to Italy. The first year in my supposed country of origin had been a hell, at least that was the way I experienced it. I had a hard time in fitting in into the Dutch society. Not because people did not allow me, I was not allowing myself to fit in. I cherished the idea of being special, I was different, the ‘Italian’ and so giving myself a identity, something I apparently thought not to have.

I carried this identity with me for a long time, actually for the whole period I was living in the Netherlands, 22 years long. When I moved to Italy in 2006 with my family I had the idea I was back in my mother country. I son discovered a lot had changed in all these years. I also discovered that it was not the same life I had back then. I had to make my own money and that was quite difficult since plan A was to work as a trainer for HP in Italy, I only overlooked the fact that due to cost reduction HP canceled more and more trainings until almost nothing. Not willing to leave the Italian Dream and see that I chose the wrong horse to bet on I adapted and managed to get part time jobs. Together with other small projects I managed to earn a modest living, but not for long.

A factor that plays an important role in my motivation to go ‘back’ to Italy, besides the idea of leaving a rotten society to live on my own in a self (almost) supporting house with veggie garden, wood for the stove and so on, was the fact I could maintain my feeling special character. For 22 years I had been the Italian guy in the Netherlands, now I was the Dutch guy in Italy! That was feeding my specialty character with a lot of energy. I topped living this character when I was getting in more and more trouble and needed to change the situation I was living in since it was not acceptable anymore.

Having been confronted with the situation of having barely to no money to live I experienced a kind of resetting of myself. When we decided I had to go to the Netherlands to look for a job I kind of started as a new born child. This was the first time I actually did live in a country with no mask on of a special character. If ever I am recalling the old times in Italy is when talking to a colleague and old classmate of mine about the good old times (lol).

Having said this I can do a step further back. The being special character started somewhere of course. It might have started at the age of 5 when, while living in Italy as a very bond child among all other children with dark hair, I was seen as special. When strolling in the city with my mother and brother we had regularly people stopping to have a look at the blonde twins and had to touch that curious fair colored hair. My mother recalls that she had to wash our hair after each visit to the city.

Although the first years on the primary school seemed quite normal and being fully integrated into the community there were still a couple of ‘anomalies’. First the fact I am a twin and that my brother and I sat in the same class for the first three years until my parents decided it was better to split us (after having changed school from a small village school to a larger suburb school).

Later we moved as a family to another place and I and my brother were together again at the European School together with Dutch classmates on a school with lots of different nationalities. A nice feeding ground for feeling special. So, having looked back this way I see that during most of my life I have been living in my special character. Not to mention I have been always proud of the fact I never smoked of felt attracted to trends without seeing I was living a character myself with the real me hiding behind this mask.

The following self forgiveness sentences are focussing on the ‘being special’ character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel special because of having a different background compared to the people I was living/dealing with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not to see that all those years I allowed myself to hide behind a mask of feeling special instead of not trusting that my true self was good ‘enough’ to stand in my day to day life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be seen as special in order to achieve something in live/work.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud when people recognized the fact I was special by acknowledging I was as an Italian with wooden shoes (typical Dutch) using the best of both cultures.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse the fact of not being a real Italian or Dutch person using this point as an excuse for (not) having to do specific things, thus not willing to take full responsibility for my role within society.

I commit myself to stop participating in the feeling special character as I see it is leading to deception and a false impression of comfort and safety within a non existing identity instead of just being myself in Self Honesty all the time, breath by breath.

The following self forgiveness sentences are about the fact I did not want to see the situation I maneuvered myself and my family in by moving to Italy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have ignored all kind of signals while pursuing my dream without realizing that my goal was not real but just an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not having taken full responsibility for the consequences of my choices related to my desire to go back to Italy and the desire to live on the edge of society.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have delayed the decision of making a change in my life until I really had to deal with the harsh consequences instead of having seen and accepted I needed to change the way I was making a living in order to avoid nasty consequences for myself and my family.

I commit myself to stop in participating in pursuing a dream and to take full responsibility for everything I do in every moment, breath after breath.

What will happen to Warren Buffett’s 64B$ ?

Warren Buffett is one of the world wealthiest people and it sounds logical to wonder what would happen to his wealth in a Equal Money System. Although he is giving away up to 99% of his fortune to philanthropic causes like the Gates Foundation he is not contributing to an equal world by doing this since the goals of this foundation, to globally enhance healthcare,  and reduce extreme poverty are not based on the principle of an equal life for all.

Even before an Equal Money System is going to be implemented there are ways the existing wealth of a few on earth like Warren Buffett can be used to finance initiatives like the Basic Income Grant (BIG) that ensures every living person on earth to get enough money to provide for their basic needs.

Since Warren Buffet already is donating his wealth it should not be impossible to redirect money to BIG after having properly explained what this grant is based on, unless there is a hidden agenda that is against the redistribution of wealth in the interest of all. I can only guess about the motivates this man has to donate his wealth. It is very plausible that he is driven by profit and that also his donations are aimed at incrementing his capital in some way, money attracts money.

So, how would it be possible to change this situation and redistribute wealth in such a way that everybody in an equal way can benefit from it? To answer this question lets start to look at ourselves. If asked we are often willing to donate something for a good cause. What is our motivation in the moment we decide to give money? Many options are possible here, but they are eventually starting from the same point: fear. Fear in a subtile way that can be like: “I prefer to donate a specific amount I decide instead of having to give an amount decided by others”. Or you might think you are doing a good thing so you can tell others you did so to feel good, not taking into consideration you are doing this to feed your ego in order not to feel guilty to have a better or more decent life than others.

In either way money is seen as a property, something that belongs to you and you have an emotional binding with. Money means you have the means to survive, and the more you have the nicer your life can be, the more choices you might thing to have, it makes you happy and gives you power, the power to rule over others with less money or in need of money. This makes it very difficult to give our money away, even if we have plenty of it. And if we do the motivation is very often based on a calculation and dealt with as an investment to improve our image or out of fear in an attempt to protect our position.

Money is not considered as life itself, as a supporting tool to give us all a decent living. The challenge in the coming times is to let people gain insight in what money really is and what we need to do in order to take our responsibilities towards ourselves and therefore to all other living beings so we can create a sustainable way of living on our planet without any form of abuse in situations of equality for all, making life worthy for all and not for a happy few. You can start asking yourself how really happy one can be in a unequal world where you constantly need to protect your belongings from those that might take it from you just because they try to survive.

So what can we do to contribute to a better world? We need to educate ourselves and others in the process of educating themselves so we can become all living part of a world that is giving equal chances to every living being. Follow us at Desteni.

Join the discussions on our Desteni Forum and our Equal Money Forum. Register here to get information about Equal Money Book. Visit the Desteni and the Equal Money sites for life coaching and more information.

What about fashion, will the fashion industry still exist?

The fashion industry as it is now is an industry, meaning that it is profit driven and all about image and good looking. Throughout my life, while watching models going over the catwalk, I always asked myself who on earth was going to wear all these extravagant clothes. First you need to look like a model, thin, long legs the right proportions. This because I could not imagine a person with an average size fitting in these clothes. So, when are the occasions one would wear these catwalk clothes? When one wants to show off, showing others how cool he or she looks thanks to the clothes. Even if they eventually are not comfortable, too tight, unpractical. All that matters is that it’s haute couture with a name and that it triggers the image of the lady on the catwalk. What an illusion it all is! And nobody really cares but you. And what if you do not have the money to buy this extravaganza? You go to the market and buy made in China replica’s of fashion clothes where you squeeze yourself in with the illusion you still look good.

So, lets define fashion. Fashion is buying clothes we think are cool or allow us to be seen by others without having the feeling we are different and at the same time we define our own specific image with the clothes we wear. So what is going through your mind when you choose what you are going to wear in the morning? Most probably you are asking yourself what others will think about you.

For several years now most of our clothes in my family are self made. Fashionable for sure but also taking care of using the right fabric, the right size so it fits nicely, giving the necessary comfort. We also add an element of fun by putting all sort of text or drawings on our clothes. Great fun choosing the drawing or text. Sometimes, when the kids are wearing a new set of clothes to school we parents ask if they received any comment. Until now the answer has been: “no”. So, it seems that at least here in Italy teenagers are not openly commenting on each others clothes. Strange though is that most youngsters wear the latest fashion jeans and shirts, preferably of a known brand.

The actual fashion industry is using many highly polluting processes and a high level of labor abuse to produce the garments we find in the shops at the end of the chain. Most clothes are sawn by people that work long days and are paid per piece a very low wage. In the shop this is far away and we are prepared to spend large sums of money to buy them.

What is going to happen with the fashion industry in an equal money system? Like all profit driven industries there will be no reason to exist. There will be no need to show off with much too expensive designer clothes. No need to fit yourself in a shine through dress that limits your movements because it is too tight and because you are wearing high heels hoping it will not get too cold since you have nothing to cover yourself with.

Clothes will be designed to fit properly in order to give comfort and protection against sun, wind, heat, cold. Fabrics will be nice to your skin and there will be no irritating labels that pop out or irritate the wearer because  of the material they are made of. Will we wear all the same clothes then? Not necessarily. Clothes will be a perfect way to express oneself, you can have a fulfilling time without harming others. Fashion will become self expression: The art of dressing. only the best fabrics will be available, produced in a way that is best for all and of the best possible quality so they will last as long as possible.

Will everyone wear the same clothes? — Equal Money FAQ

Learn more about THE solution to our crisis: Equal Money System (EMS)

 

Did I reach my goals in my life?

A friend of mine suggested me to write my blog about the question if I managed to reach the goals I had when I was age 18. My first reaction was that it did not sound as an interesting topic. But looking better at it I decided to have a try.

To be honest I do not recall very specific idea’ s I might have had at that age. I was actually in a kind of crisis. I just doubled the last year of my high school and was supposed to move from Italy to Holland to start a study at a Professional School.

The general idea I had was to study until I had a diploma and then look for a job that might give me a decent income, just like my father. I never had a real clue of what actually the work of my father consisted in. He was in management and at the time I had very little fantasies about being a manager. I wanted to do practical stuff and technical stuff.

The first years after high school in Holland were a nightmare. I started with the Horticultural School where I found out that the students were to my opinion very narrow minded on almost anything. They considered me as a “Mafioso” since I came from Italy. After two years I decided to stop. I started working and to finish my missing High School year doing a evening school. After one year I decided to use my own money to go to a private school for Hospitality Business. I managed to do two years in just one with very nice grades.

The ‘black years’ had a huge impact on me. I developed the “Colitis Ulcerosa” Illness that lasted for several of years. Funny enough the illness started within the first year I moved to the Netherlands and stopped in the year after I found a good job at IKEA. Stability in my life cased me to have a healthier body.

My inherited restlessness caused me to quit my job at IKEA since I started to get bored, at least that was what I gave myself as an excuse to quit and change, seeking for a more challenging job. I tasted the world of MLM for a while (see my  previous blog) and finally I found a nice job at a Hewlett Packard Call center. I was happy with the fact I could use my technical skills combined with my knowledge of several languages.

No surprise that after a while (it took seven years this time) I decided to work for a small company specializing in what I was already doing a lot for HP, Training people on printers, sales and technical. Here my career stopped because the small company could not afford me any longer and did not renew my contract. Since then I am self employed.

In all these years I was trying to picture a perfect career that would allow me to use my skills and allow me to earn a nice salary. I pretty soon found out that knowing several languages is not necessarily something that allows you to make a nice living. There is a bigger chance you can make money by knowing two languages and you did your studies on University as a translator than knowing at least 5 of them on a high level and doing a support agent job in a call center. I remember that I felt abused quite regularly because people not knowing languages very easily asked you for your services never understanding how intense and difficult translating can be, resulting in low rewards for the work you were doing.

I actually never stopped defining and redefining what my ideal job should be. Even if I have a clear idea about my skills it is still difficult to translate that into an ideal job. OK, there is no perfect job. Even after becoming self employed, a step that should have allowed me to pick the jobs that suited my skills best, I learned that making money was the first and the last criteria when accepting a job. Nothing else. Until today, every minute I am working on a project for a customer, the main drive is to satisfy the customer in order to get paid. I can put a lot of sills and creativity in my work, but always limited by money in some way (e.g. the customers budget limiting me to focus on basics with no added value that might benefit the whole).

Back to the question of my friend. She added if I was satisfied with what I managed to make of my goals. The question kind of embarrassed me. I am not very often asking myself if I am satisfied. Not on that level. I am still trying to make a living in a society I almost tried to escape from. I have still a hard time fitting in in the way many others do, performing their tasks within their jobs without asking themselves if the work they do (or try not to do or as little as possible) is contributing to something other than their monthly salary.

In a certain way I am satisfied if I look to what I have learned. I have become very flexible and able to quickly fit in in many different types of jobs, both technical, management, commercial, and even handcrafts. Although I tend to say that I am not drive by satisfaction, I must admit that it is not true. Looking back, at the completion of a job/task I am always trying to find the point of satisfaction for the work I did. But what is being satisfied doing with me? Nothing more than satisfying my EGO! There is nothing practical in being satisfied! It does not serve any other purpose than feeding your EGO.

So, lets’s skip this whole satisfaction thing and do our tasks, work, job with one simple goal: The best interest of all. So everybody benefits from it, you and me included.

The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

Normally  a TV series comes with max 1 episode a day. On YouTube there is no such limitation, you can watch as many as you like/can/manage. Both my children have been watching one episode after another since one of them discovered a series that apparently is very funny. They both are at about episode 16 of the “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” series. The series ends after 57 episodes. I could not help myself when I asked if they were planning to see them all in the next two days.

Until yesterday A. was working on a DVD cover art work and J. was busy making his funny video’s. These and other active activities suddenly stopped to be replaced by this addictive activity of watching this series. So, what is in this series that makes it so terribly appealing my kids are unable to resist from it? I decided to listen for a while to an episode while A. was watching. All I heard were very short sentence dialogues full of ‘funny’ words and sounds that should trigger your laughing. To make the effect even stronger every few words you here the laughters that are added to the sound track in a very smart way. A and J. will laugh occasionally but at a much lower ratio than suggested by the sound track.

The fact I see my kids diving in this activity, or better, this inactivity, is triggering all kind of reactions within myself. So, what is it that is disturbing me about the fact my kids are having a great time? Is it jealousy because they can spend the whole day watching the series and I have to do all my mandatory tasks? Or is it sadness because I see my kids entering a pattern they have been caught in before and knowing it leads to nowhere? Is it the fact I do not see how I can tell them they are wasting their time and even worse, feeding their mind construct with all kind of messages and triggers? Especially with A. it is clear to me she is seeking for ways to avoid continuing her process she is going through after the episode with D.

As a frustrated father I’ve made a couple of comments during the day and tonight, all waved off with reactions like: “I can’t hear anymore what they are saying.” and “Shut up with your stupid comments and leave me alone”.  For the moment the only thing I can do is leave it the way it is until I first work out where I stand in this situation and only then I can eventually address the issue with common sense, stripped from all emotions and feelings.

Both S. and I see a pattern here with A. A support chat that should have been the next step in the A’s process, has been postponed for several days now due to technical reasons. But not only; when asking A. if she wanted to do the chat earlier so it would not conflict with other activities she rigidly sticked to the late night time schedule and suggested to do it a day later. The longer it takes for the chat to be rescheduled, the more A. will get stuck in this pattern. To brake the pattern S. decided to continue with the assignments in A’s process independently from the fact she can have a support chat or not.
J. is in this pattern too but has a lesser urgent need to walk a specific process.

To me this episode is again an experience within real life and an occasion to observe, recognize and take care of this kind of situations with the tools provided by Desteni and the DIP course.

 

Manipulation

Today I was dealing with a customer I have had many talks with. The first talks go back to January, the month I started to work for this company. In all these months I learned to know the man better and better and I could see how he was manipulating me and my colleagues to get everything he needed for his business. He is apparently successful in doing so since his business is doing well. Happy with the services we deliver he purchased even more services but always asking for the lowest price and the best support.

I do not know if he did it on purpose or not but he managed to have a year subscription for free without paying for it. When at last we found out I confronted him with fact. The only thing he could do as a reply was repeating the last agreement we made for the additional services that are not including the service he got for free.

I wrote again a mail explaining him he was using our services and that he should pay for it accordingly. I gave him the whole picture and stressed he had over 30% discount on our services. His reply? A copy of the last agreement.

It is a real challenge not to develop backchat at this point or all kind of scenario’s on why this man is acting this way. I’ve experienced that he is successfully manipulative in his approach with others and is using these skills to raise a smoke curtain and push his thing through. Now, I asked him to read again my mail and to reply to what I said. He must know that something is going to happen and that he will have to move now. The game is over, from my point of view at least.

My thing is to leave the matter for what it is now until he replies or contacts me. Then I will make my point and I will be prepared not to be manipulated but acting here and now in honesty with myself.

Backchat, thought or just common sense? “If he is not willing to understand and to pay for the services he is using and making a lot of money with, we will simply stop the services until a payment is done.”

Crashed again

It seems as if it we like to have crashing computers in our house. Some time ago we had the computer of S. that started to give problems and in the meantime I had two crashes, a real one and one that was the consequence of the other.

This should be absolutely embarrassing for a Mac user like me. It probably would have been, many years ago, when I was always very fond of being a Apple Macintosh addict. And it is true, I actually never had any problem unless it was caused by myself due to playing around and trying new things. I see clearly this rule still applies since it was again me having installed two operating systems on my computer (Mac OS X and Ubuntu). For some reason Ubuntu one day failed to exit from a  sleep situation due to a severe damage to the file system (still no idea how that could have happened).

Until there no big issues, all the files I use are in my Gmail accounts and in a ‘cloud’, accessible from anywhere. I had to sort out the fact half my HD remained unused, so I decided on Friday night to do something about it. In an attempt to restore the partition I caused the problem to affect the whole HD. I was left with a computer that would not start anymore.

No panic or cold sweat this time although I was not prepared for a fail this big risking to loose some data on the Mac side I did not back up yet. Apparently I panicked since I was convinced the computer failed even to start from CD. Later I found out I just used the wrong key combination to force the mac to start from CD.

To restore the situation I had to rescue the data on my HD and to do so I had to install an operating system from a bootable external HD. It took many hours to save the data and many more to restore some of it. 24 hours later I am back in business, no dual boot until I find out what caused the problem.

In the research of the cause I will have a close look at myself. I now see there is a pattern that is regularly causing me to get into troubles. Very often it is related to the installation of new software or worse, new or different operating systems. I decided to more over to Ubuntu when I started to work for a company where Linux is the standard. Apart from one specific compatibility issue there was not a real need for me to switch, but I liked the idea, I was tricked by my ‘curiosity’ and wanted to discover something that might have been ‘better’, ‘fater’, ‘cooler’. I had the same kind of experience when I moved from Windows to Mac. I clearly did not learn much from that experience. For years I lived with the idea I was using a superior OS and I felt more and better than all these poor souls that had to suffer with their buggy windos OS.

Now I am living the manifestation of this having to go through my own crashes until I see that my starting point was not a honest one and not based on equality for all. Although it is a complex matter when we look at software, the way it is made, commercialized, intentionally left buggy, etc. on one end and not fully stable, not properly tested and alway under development on the other, at the end the differences are very subtile. What remains are the consequences of actions I perform on my computer that are triggered by motivators that are not sustainable in the context of honesty towards myself and lack simple common sense.

I now again lost a whole day fixing things, time I should have dedicated to other matters like my DIP course.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to be tempted by curiosity and the wish to get the newest version or release instead of making sure my PC remained a stable work tool.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to cause myself losing time instead of focussing on matters that really need to be adressed first.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to panic and not think clear and in common sense when confronted with a situation of possible data loss instead of seeing the real situation and use all I know to properly address the issues.

Hijacked by Escherichia Coli

Since the earliest news items I’ve been kind of monitoring my reactions and thoughts in relation to the E. Coli bacteria. It is really fascinating to see all kind of mechanisms going off by specific triggers.

The first news items were to me a kind of warning. It was something to keep an eye on and take into consideration. Immediately my mind started the survival mode and checked my actual living situation. Very quickly I came to the conclusion I was not living in a situation that could be very prone to this bacteria.

A little later, with all kind of news items on the MSM I started to see a likeness with the H1N1 virus and started to lower my guard since I judged the whole thing as an exaggerated and blown up situation. With this opinion I went on with my daily tasks until the moment came I was again confronted with a news item on this subject.

While discussing the matter with my partner I kept on monitoring my thoughts and while S. decided to toke some measures like peeling the fruit we have for breakfast and washing thoroughly the salad I was still dealing with a mechanism in my mind that was playing down the whole issue because it was a threat far from us living in a small village in the middle of Italy. This same mind, strangely enough, kept on working out other issues clearly based on fear and survival. I started wondering if the water we use for drinking was going to remain safe. It is spring water that comes right from the big mountain in our back yard. Very little chance this E. Coli bacteria is going to be found there but the thought was persistent.

When I had a light cramp in my stomach (just before I had to go to the toilet for a normal ‘shit’) I was worried for a short moment. When I heard that a friend of us, while going home after a stay at our place for a couple of days had nasty cramps in his stomach I started to wonder if he was not having an E. Coli infection. I started to quickly work out scenario’s thinking of what we’ve been eating, what should have happened if the poor guy fell severely ill and eventually died. This even though I know this person has chronic stomach problems. “This is back chat man!” I thought. Potentially I could start giving energy to these thoughts causing them to manifest.

Fascinating to see how easy the mind is triggered into patterns in order to feed the needs of survival, the illusion of uniqueness, fears and so on. How to stop this? Common sense! Using common sense you can approach the situation in a practical way and deal with every issue that comes up in the moment you are faced with it. I am not free of the mind but much more aware of what kind of games the mind is playing with me.

Until so far the Desteni I Process course, the materials I’ve read and the video’s I’ve watched, assisted me in seeing things in commons sense, in the way they really are. This took care of a lot of fear that until then I was regularly experiencing and pushing away just because I did not know how to deal with this emotion. Want to get rid of fear? Join us at Desteni and start reading and watching. Discuss with us about your fears and other issues on the open forum where you will be welcomed and supported.

An empty wallet and no way to fill it up…

A couple of days ago I had a discussion over the chat with a friend of mine. In this conversation I recognize fears I had myself many times in the last years while having to find new ways to earn some money. I see how my friend is tricked by the mind and is allowing fear to direct his actions. Out of fear he tends to make deals that are not best for him. He tries to please his client on forehand using deception and giving a message that could be misunderstood and might be difficult to restore.

I’ve done the same thing and tend to do it still now, just out of fear the person that is asking me for my services might not want them any more when I state my price. My recent experience is that if I ask a fair price for the effort I am delivering and I am properly communicating on forehand what my services are going to cost, there is no real issue.

I’ve lost some business doing so, but seen afterwards it was a kind of work that never paid off, I had even to cover expenses I never earned back. I concluded it was better not to make any money than to lose money while hoping I could make some.

It seems that people like the way I am dealing with prices. It might not be the approach they are used to, no special discounts just for them because they are my special client. Just the same price for everybody and everybody gets the same level of service. One of my customers is a tough case. Once she established a price per hour she did not even consider to ask me if I agreed with it. She simply stated that it was the way it was done here in this town. I agreed just because I needed the money and I did not foresee big issues in delivering what she was going to ask me to do. When it came to doing translations I informed her that I was going to ask a different price since it is a job that (within our actual system) is rated as a higher skill job and therefore has another price.

Yesterday I visited this customer to discuss a couple of things and found her being sick. She asked me what she had to pay for the translation but she excused herself for the fact she hadn’t any money on her to pay me. I was left with no other choice than to leave this payment open until the next time. Bad luck since I badly needed the cash for groceries and gas.

Today we had to find a solution. No cash not much left in the pantry to eat. I had to find money before noon.I first worked hard to finish a translation and then I called the customer, and since she wrote me a mail telling me she felt much better I asked her if she was home by mid morning. When finally someone answered the phone it was her father telling me he had no idea when she was coming home. Bummer! Later she called me to ask if I was home in the afternoon. She wanted to come over to pay me. Ouch! I had been thinking all kind of bad things in my secret mind about her not willing to pay me because I might have asked to high prices for my translations… but nothing was true, she even called me in order to come over to pay me.

Nevertheless we needed a plan B. For our friends A and J we are doing several jobs. S decided to finish a part of her job so we could deliver the work and ask money for it. Unfortunately we found out they where out of town and could not make it before noon.

Plan C. Collecting the little money we still had and delaying the groceries one day. I had to go to my job in Fano (60 km trip) this afternoon with someone else that was specifically coming over to travel together with me and I needed to fuel up a little. So, I left with just enough money to buy the fuel I needed to make the trip.

When much later that night I came home and found my customer came over and paid almost the whole amount a part from some small change. Not much later our friend A stopped by and in a hurry she gave me a bunch of banknotes just saying it was and advance for all the work we had to do for her.

At the end of the day we found ourselves with much more money that we counted on. Still an amount to be handled with care, but at least we will be able to go to the shop tomorrow to buy food and fill up the car with the fuel we need to travel around. The only thing that might hinder us tomorrow is snow, we’ll see tomorrow how to deal with that situation.

The beauty of being self employed

Nice statement, but is it reality? Not for me. I thought I could reach a certain level of independence by becoming a self employed worker. The reality was different. Instead of working for one boss you start working for several contemporarily. I used to tell people that I was happy and never wanted to work for a boss anymore. fantastic bullshit! Instead of having one boss that more or less takes care of you as en employee the self employed man has to take care of himself. He has to ask high prices in order to pay his taxes and bills and still have a living. Especially in a time of economic recession you are a luxury product. Loyalty goes to the employee and not to an external consultant.

When my last contract as an employee ended I told myself that becoming a self employed consultant was the only way of developing my career and skills in the direction I wanted to go. On the other hand I told people I had been forced into that situation and had no choice other than becoming self employed to continue doing the kind of work I was doing.

The reality was that being employed by a company or self employed does not make a real difference. At he end you are working in order to survive by making money. As an employee you get your money every month, as a self employed person you have invoices that are payed after 60 to 90 days, bills to pay and taxes for who knows what. And worse of all, if you ran out of work as an employee you are entitled to get some money from the state, as a self employed you need to have some kind of expensive insurance that will help you through tough times. It is as if it is commonly accepted that self employed people do not need help since they are their own boss.

It’s true, most of the times I don’t have anybody telling me when and how I should do my work.  It is sometimes very difficult to find out or understand what you should do to please your client. And if the client is happy you will get paid. The risk is all yours. However, I’ve seen over the years that when you do your work in a honest way a lot of people at the end will come back to you. But it is a slow process that can take years. It is also a non very profitable approach, I have a lot of happy customers, I do a lot of work but I have barely enough money to live. What am I doing wrong?

A very important point was me understanding that I’ve been separating myself from society over the years, creating an unsustainable situation (see post of 20/1). Now I understand better the mechanisms in society and are fitting back into it making sure to act as much as I can in the interest of all and therefore myself. In a society that is profit driven it is a challenge to stick to this principle and keep on standing for it. But if you do you’ll see it works.

In my daily practice I see that when having to close a commercial deal I am not allowing myself to use deceptive words, false promises, making the other more special than myself or have fear of not going to close the deal because I could not convince the other that I am making the best offer for the best product. I had people that clearly were not understanding what was happening because the process was not as they were used to, but at the end and sometimes a little later, they come back and allow the deal to be sealed with sustainable conditions for both parties.

My experiences of every day makes me stand for equality. Every day I experience the consequences of what I accepted and allowed. Therefore I take, step by step, breath by breath, my responsibility by walking my process of self forgiveness.