best for all
Ever since I am staying at my brother in law’s place I am feeling welcome but not always at ease. I started to investigate why. There are many factors playing a role here. I’ve been offered a place to stay in the center of a city giving me more opportunities while searching for a new job. It is now already the 26th day of my staying here and I have no job yet. There is one serious job opportunity and I just had a job interview, soon to be followed by athe next round. I applied for several jobs and got just a few replies back. Though times to get a job and in my case extra challenging due to my age (45) and the effects of the economic recession. So, it is hard working and trying to spot the right opportunities.
The fact I still do not have a job and the fact time is racing makes me feel uneasy once in a while. Until when am I welcome in this house? Are they already fed up by my presence? Oh, I wished it was all over and I could live again with my family. Not that I really miss them since I speak to them every day over Skype, it is the uneasy feeling of not being able to tell how log this situation is going to last. Everybody around me ‘hopes’ I will find a job soon and tell me they will cross their fingers (hoping they would not face the same situation themselves some time in future?).
This feeling of uneasiness is mainly generated by myself because I have an ideal picture and I see I am not fitting into it. I am sometimes trying to convince myself that I am in a bad situation and that I should be ashamed of it. But it is nothing more than a consequential outflow of what I have created myself and there is no other way out of it than walking this process step by step. So I stop blaming myself and will focus on getting the most out of the situation I am actually living in, step by step, breath by breath.
Today, while traveling back from my brother’s place, I was thinking how I could delay my arrival at my brother in law’s house as much as possible in order not to be a nuisance during the weekend. This was confirming my feeling of not wanting to be there, thus not wanting to face a consequential outflow of my own actions. The solution is very simple and straight forward. I will have to discuss the length of my stay and the conditions so everybody can agree on it and no false expectations or back chats are created. I tend to postpone this point of discussion until I know the outcome of the interview, and it certainly makes sense to do so. What scares me is the idea I am not getting the job. This will mean that there is again no clarity in the length of my stay. Every day that passes is making the equation more critical since we are running out of money and it is already money that was given to us to help us in our situation.
So it is very important to keep my feet on the ground, stay focussed and direct all I can in finding any kind of job that will generate some income and help us out of this situation. Interestingly enough it is still difficult when there is a job opportunity. Am I going to accept a low wage job that just generates some money but not enough to support my family or do I wait until I have a decent job that will give me a decent income? Needless to think out scenario’s here but I am tempted to do it. If a situation like this manifests I will have to deal with it in the best way possible using my common sense.
The mind is always trying to plan ahead or better to work out all kind of possible scenario’s so it can fuck me up with my fears. It is strange not to be tempted into these scenario thinking since it feels so empty. But that is just a feeling. Better focus on being here in the moment and act as one as self in every breath. I am regularly tempted not to allow me to focus on my process and convince myself that I should put every single second in efforts that might lead to a job. Happily enough, working on my process is going to make my search for a job more effective and this blog is part of that process.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to feel less than my brother in law just because of my situation and my incapability of being clear about the length of my stay in his house.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to let my mind convince me into all kind of scenario’s instead of focussing myself in being here and now, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to be distracted by thoughts about my possible future without considering real facts and so building up energies that are of any use in improving my actual situation.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself that I accept to become scared of the consequential outflow of my own actions instead of keeping the mind clear and walk the point effectively.
it is now more than two weeks ago that I arrived in the Netherlands to dedicate 100% of my time in finding a new job, and ever since I am here I experience many things as if I never lived in this country before.
Yes, there are things that changed over time like the chip card used for public transportation. But many things did not change over the last 6 years and nevertheless I experience them as new. Actually it is a kind of awkward experience that I need to ask how the most elementary things work. Today I helped my brother in law to dispose of paper and glass bottles. We had to drive to a nearby collection point and I was surprised and at the same time I vaguely remembered that glass here is separated by color.
In many ways my living again in this country is showing me how 6 years can wipe out a lot of things. Actually, wipe out is not the proper way to describe it, it is more suppressing. I have been suppressing typical Dutch ways of doing and systems in order to accept the systems in the country I wanted so badly to be as good or even better that the country I left. Now, bit by bit I am returning into a civilization that is a lot more effective in many ways.
I had to come to the conclusion that some things I am experiencing these day I never had seen or recognized or lived before. it is as if I have been incapable of living fully my life in this country during the 22 years that precede my emigration to Italy. It all started with a painful integration in 1985 and I apparently never got over the shock. I stayed in my mind and kept saying to myself that one day I will return to the country where I have been able to live in a pleasant way. What I did not consider was that in that same year I left my home to live on my own in a country I only knew from my summer holidays.
So, it is actually fascinating to really live now in this country and see all the things around me as if I am a baby and need to learn everything from scratch. It is for me a great opportunity to make a new start and not bring with me any burden that is generated by my mind in the form of memories or experiences. I really enjoy the way I can be when interacting with people. I see that my attitude open and without any expectation or opinion is producing very nice and valuable moments. This is a great plus when in a position of searching for a job and having to properly explain my skills and added values.
Even though I am separated from my family I am really enjoying this period and although it is a stressful situation where I have limited time to make an income I am, day by day, deciding in the moment, with the tools and information I have at disposal, what I can do best to get the most out of situation.
Already in the time of Tjernobil I have been wondering why humanity was hanging on this technology. I could not be too critical about nuclear energy since I spent 7 years on a school that existed only because of the nuclear research centers of Euratom. I was told that even if it is dangerous stuff there were good ways to handle it. Several months ago I stumbled upon a video that showed how in France nuclear waste had been used as landfill under a building site that had a stadium and a parking lot on top of it. Radiation levels were quite high and a real danger for health. Not to mention another news item revealing that for years thousands of accidents in French nuclear plants have been kept silent.
So the questions arises, why are we investing so much in this technology. It is dangerous to operate, it causes a waste that needs to be looked after for decades before it can leave the building to go anywhere since nobody wants this radioactive stuff. So it finishes on the bottom of the sea, in illegal land dumps in third world countries or when possible even in our own country. It does not make any sense to me other than it needs to be very lucrative to build nuclear plants and relatively cheap to run them.
Everything seems to go well until a natural disaster is causing damage and reveals how bad the safety measures were, that the building was not as strong as it should have been and that the whole thing becomes literally too hot to handle. This reminds me of the image of a helicopter that tried to loose cooling water on the Tjernobil reactor and melted when it flew over the open roof. It seems as if even the engineers dealing with nuclear energy are not aware of the situation in case things went wrong of are keeping silent to avoid blame afterwards.
Angela Merkel decided to temporarily stop 7 nuclear plants in Germany. A country where there is a strong lobby for solar energy that soon will make the need of nuclear plants irrelevant. Thanks to new lows the production of alternative energy like solar, wind and bio-mass is strongly stimulated. And apparently you can make a lot of money too. And since people found out that you can make profit the country is full of solar panels producing several Gigawatts of energy. See this video produced by the Dutch television about the subject (in english).
Here in Italy the government of Berlusconi decided to build several new nuclear plants that will be ready for energy production in about 20 years. Twenty years? We need the energy now! But why nuclear energy Mr. Berlusconi? I start to suspect there is a lot of profit to be made upfront. I would not be surprised if you can make more profit by building a nuclear plant than to use it. On the other hand Germany is showing us how you can make quick profit with solar energy. Thanks to the actual technology the production of energy with solar panel has become quite cheap and is up to 50 times more efficient in terms of yield per surface than biomass, inducing farmers to dedicate pieces of their land for solar panels. And since solar panels can be placed also on roofs, there are plenty of places that can be used without any obstruction.
The disaster that is taking place in Japan is horrible and is showing us that we as humanity should not take risks using technologies we do not control under all circumstances. To me it is a clear example of not taking full responsibility for our actions. Italy managed to stop the construction of nuclear plants for decades but now people feel they have been paying a high toll for it, having had to pay the highest price per KW/h in Europe for many years.
If seen in common sense we should phase out our dependency on non renewable fuel as quickly as possible using all the technology we have to step over to highly efficient wind and mainly solar energy sources. Remember that a Nuclear plant needs more than a decade to be built, a solar energy plant a couple of months if not less to produce the same energy. After 20 years the solar panels need to be replaced while in the nuclear plant they needed this time to cool down the nuclear fuel rods before they even could consider transportation to another spot. Nuclear leaves us with hundreds of years of high level radiation, solar panels can be recycled.
If common sense is used it is not difficult to see what energy solution should be chosen. In an equal money system (EMS) the choice would automatically be one that is sustainable and in the best interest of all.