During my working day I decided that tonight I will do some work that I want to be finished by tomorrow. It is one of those days where a lot of unforeseen (unwanted?) things happened and caused my planning not to fit anymore into the available hours. Making this decision I was surprised by the fact it was so easy to make and to assume that I will indeed do it. If i them compare my behavior when it is blog writing or working on my DIP assignments I see a big difference. I am much less motivated.
Let’s have a look at my motivation. What is really motivating me? The fact I want to have things done within the timeframe I agreed on with others? Or does it go deeper? What is it that keeps me running faster for my boss than for myself? Yes, that is it! Writing my blogs and doing my DIP assignments is all stuff I do for mySelf. Making long days in the office and even continuing the work at home is… Fear, Enslavement! Fear to be seen as less competent by my superiors/boss, enslavement by the money system that tells me to work more and more so I can save holidays for extra days off or to be paid as extra salary.
So, enslavement/money/fear are more important than Self. That is not a good balance. But how to find this balance? How to establish the energy/time to dedicate to work and to Self development?
Within Self-honesty it is not possible to decide that work is more important than working on my self development. It is equally important. The first to properly function in the system/matrix with no need to exaggerate, the second to become more stable and aware of Life so I can stand as one as breath to the benefit of all and everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my job to be more important than my self development through blogging and doing my DIP assignments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my self development through blogging and dong my DIP assignment as less important than my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of survival to decide what is the best to be done instead of allowing myself in a specific moment to stop and breath and in that moment decide what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by false arguments drive by fear of survival and enslavement to money instead of get things done because what I do is simply in the best interest of all.
For more than six months I am stuck on a specific lesson in my DIP course. There are many reasons to it. In this period I’ve been going through a rough period of looking for a new job, finding it, living in another country, moving my family, finding a house, living in several places in a short period of time, etc. Many practical reasons not to focus on my DIP course.
I’ve ran out of practical limitations now and still I see there are resistances that prevent me going on. Looking at it rationally I do not see any reason why I shouldn’t be able to find half an hour a day to dedicate to the DIP. I still hear the excuse voice in my head telling me that I had health issues making it hard to find enough energy to dedicate on DIP after a day of work where on the other hand I easily tend to work extra hours for my boss (and to finish the work that from my point of view needed to be done anyway).
When I finally started again to work on my assignments a couple of times I was confronted with the consequences of the long delay. The assignment had been updated and at the end I had to start the whole lesson from scratch. Not an issue since the work I did before was done a long time ago and it had its purpose anyway. At a certain point I thought to be ready and handed in my assignment only to find out I only did half the work and not even that, The second half of the assignment was not properly understood and needs to be redone.
Time to really focus on what needs to be done. I still have been not self-honest and did not want to thoroughly redo the assignment as described in the materials just because I thought that I still new what I read some time before. To me now it is very clear how one can fool him/herself with just assuming and thinking. Assumptions always ted to serve self interest and that is not helping to get a stable and well founded situation.
This simple experience is a clear point to me that I still need to address this point of being more accurate in the way I deal with assignments/tasks. I will have to stop assumptions and thoughts that have as a starting point not willing to face the real thing and deal with it in its full extent. Therefore I commit myself to pick up this point and systematically address it by performing the following actions:
- I will dedicate every day a specific amount of time to the DIP course
- I will go through all the necessary materials (even if I might think it is overdone or unnecessary)
- I will check if what I have done is according to the requirements
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay working on my DIP assignment because I felt disappointed and therefore trying to find reasons to blame outside myself to justify my delay instead of taking my responsibility and asses the situation in this very moment, decide on the action to take and perform these actions.
A while ago I had a job interview and like the one I had in November I closely monitored how I and my body was reacting to the situation. Although I had a kind of a job interview a week before at a job agency this time it was more critical. Where the job agency is trying to get me some temporary work this new job interview was for a real job. Back in November I discovered that even when apparently seeming calm my body was shivering and my legs shaking. I managed to control it by breathing.
The interview was arranged by an old classmate of the primary school who, reading through my resume, saw an opportunity for me and asked to emphasize my professional writing skills in order to match the requirements of the person the company was looking for. So I did and on a snort notice I was invited. Really cool to get real support from someone that was able to spot an opportunity and give me effective tips on how to adapt my resume.
This time I had the same shaking and shivering all over my body, but only in the few moments I started thinking about ‘what if’ scenario’s. I managed to get rid of the thoughts but not always effectively enough to get them back even in the middle of the interview. Nevertheless the interview became more and more interesting when the other person started to tell in detail about his job role and about the company. The first bit of the interview was kind until the point that I was asked to describe the company I was interested in. Since there was very little time between the making of the job interview appointment and the job interview I haven’t been able to give a very clear picture of my perception of the company’s activities. Very open the interviewer made a recap of our interview at the end giving me this feedback and confirming I was going to have a second interview with the company’s general manager and to other managers.
I was invited a week later to talk with the manager responsible for development and with the general manager and founder of the company. The interview with this manager was quite nice and relaxed and again was able to give me an idea of the atmosphere within the company. I had to wait for an hour before I could meet the general manager and again we had a nice and quite informal chat in which we tried to get a general picture of each other.
Apparently the interviews and my resume were convincing and although it too two weeks to get a final response I was hired and invited to join the team within a very short notice.
Today it is exactly one month that I work in my new job meaning that I passed the first trial month rapidly fitting into the organization and being able to contribute and deliver my work efficiently almost from day 1. The step of finding a job in order to stabilize income has been taken, the next step to take now is to find a home for the whole family so we do not have to live separately.
It is now more than a month ago that I left my home in Italy to go to the Netherlands to look for a job. It is over a month now that I am working hard to get work, not only by doing many job applications but also working on myself since being without a job, living in someone else’s house without being able to tell for how long implies also that you have to face yourself.
Reality can hit hard and I need all my energy to keep myself standing and go through everyday’s life. Life in my conditions is at the same time boring and nerve wrecking. Since you have no job you tend to feel useless and even a burden to those that offer you help. The odd part of all this is that it can change suddenly into another situation. At least that is what the mind suggests. The mind keeps saying that as soon as I have a job everything will be ok. This is only partially true since life will go on with or without job. That what gets different is the way you can organize yourself with or without money.
Nevertheless, getting a job will be an important step in the process of getting back into the system. I am very well aware that becoming an employee will limit my freedom, but what freedom is it when you have the time to do anything you like without having the money to do so. There is no freedom in our society. We are all enslaved to money and if we do not have it we simply will die (or in developed countries live a very limited life without many opportunities to change that situation).
In a movie I watched today there was a sentence that says: “If you are with the system you will be rewarded, if you oppose it you will be punished”. That is exactly what I see when looking back to my own life. I refused to adapt to the system and was therefore expelled from it in a slow process that ended into the situation I am in now, left with no money and fighting to get back into the system just to be able to survive.
It took quite some time to try to get loose from the system and now I see that getting back into it is not an immediate process either. I have to be patient and it is quite challenging to patiently walk the path back since the lack of money (= time) is a high pressure factor. I need to buy time (ask for money) directly or indirectly for every day that goes by. This adds up to the debt I am so trying to avoid but which is so nicely fitting into the monetary system of our planet.
This brings me to the next point, is resisting the fact to have debt not again me fighting the system? Am I supposed to go along with it and accept I have debts I will never be able to pay back? Does it make sense to try to pay back your debt when you know the actual money system is designed to make it impossible to pay it back? Governments are trying to get rid of debt by moving it to the people and very few are aware of the fact this is narrowing more and more our possibilities and making us more dependent and controllable by these governments.
Having said this, it is with an uneasy feeling that I am getting my position back into society. Life will not get easier for anyone with the difference I have already walked through experiences that allow me to see things for what they are and to act accordingly as much as I can in the moment, breath by breath. Therefore I see my whole experience I lived over the last couple of years as something very useful and in no way a waste of time (or money).
Tomorrow is a milestone day since I will know if the day after tomorrow will be one of still searching for a job or making a next step forward and while having a new job taking care of finding a place to live with my family and organize everything so I can move my family from Italy to the Netherlands and live again as a united family.
PS. Many friends and family members are crossing their fingers for tomorrow… I am sure it will help (lol). And the fun part is, do they really know why they are crossing their fingers? What is their real starting point?
It is a while that I stopped doing my DIP course assignments. In the months I did managed to send in my assignments I experienced resistances resulting in a lousy time management in regards to my DIP course. When the tight schedule I had to manage was frustrated by the experience and the consequences of an event in our house I decided to temporarily put on hold my DIP assignments and focus on what I had to do related to the event.
If I look strictly at how I am using the time I have every day I see that very often my work related activities tend to ‘eat’ away time planned in for other activities. This was mainly caused by extra work that needed to be done to close a project and get paid for it. The extra work is another point to tackle since it was a consequence of unclear agreements with the person I was collaborating in these projects. I created pictures of what I supposed could be his role in the project discovering at the end it was not matching the reality. To make this more complex, the person contributed and eventually believed himself in being competent. Who has been manifesting what?
Back to planning. Summer has been very busy and besides a non stopping flow of work, quite some time went into social activities with family that come to visit us. The couple of days I spent with my kids should not make the difference. What I experiences was that whatever I planned to do I had always to adjust my planning everyday postponing systematically several tasks that had to make place for others taking more time than planned.
Apparently I am too optimistic when planning certain tasks. I checked if I was really using the time effectively. I am making progress here since I found myself regularly diving into matters that where unnecessary and distracting me form the real thing I had to do. It is amazing how the mind manages to hijack your concentration by a specific trigger word you unconsciously read while working on your task. I am becoming more and more aware of this behavior and can take care of it.
It was easy to leave the DIP assignment out of my mind. There were so many things to plan I did not even consider to put DIP time in my schedule. Now I see that the amount of work is not decreasing and that I need to take responsibility in this. Yesterday I started again working on my lessons. I am not sure how to deal with the upcoming events that will populate my schedule but I will use common sense to do it.
Normally a TV series comes with max 1 episode a day. On YouTube there is no such limitation, you can watch as many as you like/can/manage. Both my children have been watching one episode after another since one of them discovered a series that apparently is very funny. They both are at about episode 16 of the “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” series. The series ends after 57 episodes. I could not help myself when I asked if they were planning to see them all in the next two days.
Until yesterday A. was working on a DVD cover art work and J. was busy making his funny video’s. These and other active activities suddenly stopped to be replaced by this addictive activity of watching this series. So, what is in this series that makes it so terribly appealing my kids are unable to resist from it? I decided to listen for a while to an episode while A. was watching. All I heard were very short sentence dialogues full of ‘funny’ words and sounds that should trigger your laughing. To make the effect even stronger every few words you here the laughters that are added to the sound track in a very smart way. A and J. will laugh occasionally but at a much lower ratio than suggested by the sound track.
The fact I see my kids diving in this activity, or better, this inactivity, is triggering all kind of reactions within myself. So, what is it that is disturbing me about the fact my kids are having a great time? Is it jealousy because they can spend the whole day watching the series and I have to do all my mandatory tasks? Or is it sadness because I see my kids entering a pattern they have been caught in before and knowing it leads to nowhere? Is it the fact I do not see how I can tell them they are wasting their time and even worse, feeding their mind construct with all kind of messages and triggers? Especially with A. it is clear to me she is seeking for ways to avoid continuing her process she is going through after the episode with D.
As a frustrated father I’ve made a couple of comments during the day and tonight, all waved off with reactions like: “I can’t hear anymore what they are saying.” and “Shut up with your stupid comments and leave me alone”. For the moment the only thing I can do is leave it the way it is until I first work out where I stand in this situation and only then I can eventually address the issue with common sense, stripped from all emotions and feelings.
Both S. and I see a pattern here with A. A support chat that should have been the next step in the A’s process, has been postponed for several days now due to technical reasons. But not only; when asking A. if she wanted to do the chat earlier so it would not conflict with other activities she rigidly sticked to the late night time schedule and suggested to do it a day later. The longer it takes for the chat to be rescheduled, the more A. will get stuck in this pattern. To brake the pattern S. decided to continue with the assignments in A’s process independently from the fact she can have a support chat or not.
J. is in this pattern too but has a lesser urgent need to walk a specific process.
To me this episode is again an experience within real life and an occasion to observe, recognize and take care of this kind of situations with the tools provided by Desteni and the DIP course.
It seems as if it we like to have crashing computers in our house. Some time ago we had the computer of S. that started to give problems and in the meantime I had two crashes, a real one and one that was the consequence of the other.
This should be absolutely embarrassing for a Mac user like me. It probably would have been, many years ago, when I was always very fond of being a Apple Macintosh addict. And it is true, I actually never had any problem unless it was caused by myself due to playing around and trying new things. I see clearly this rule still applies since it was again me having installed two operating systems on my computer (Mac OS X and Ubuntu). For some reason Ubuntu one day failed to exit from a sleep situation due to a severe damage to the file system (still no idea how that could have happened).
Until there no big issues, all the files I use are in my Gmail accounts and in a ‘cloud’, accessible from anywhere. I had to sort out the fact half my HD remained unused, so I decided on Friday night to do something about it. In an attempt to restore the partition I caused the problem to affect the whole HD. I was left with a computer that would not start anymore.
No panic or cold sweat this time although I was not prepared for a fail this big risking to loose some data on the Mac side I did not back up yet. Apparently I panicked since I was convinced the computer failed even to start from CD. Later I found out I just used the wrong key combination to force the mac to start from CD.
To restore the situation I had to rescue the data on my HD and to do so I had to install an operating system from a bootable external HD. It took many hours to save the data and many more to restore some of it. 24 hours later I am back in business, no dual boot until I find out what caused the problem.
In the research of the cause I will have a close look at myself. I now see there is a pattern that is regularly causing me to get into troubles. Very often it is related to the installation of new software or worse, new or different operating systems. I decided to more over to Ubuntu when I started to work for a company where Linux is the standard. Apart from one specific compatibility issue there was not a real need for me to switch, but I liked the idea, I was tricked by my ‘curiosity’ and wanted to discover something that might have been ‘better’, ‘fater’, ‘cooler’. I had the same kind of experience when I moved from Windows to Mac. I clearly did not learn much from that experience. For years I lived with the idea I was using a superior OS and I felt more and better than all these poor souls that had to suffer with their buggy windos OS.
Now I am living the manifestation of this having to go through my own crashes until I see that my starting point was not a honest one and not based on equality for all. Although it is a complex matter when we look at software, the way it is made, commercialized, intentionally left buggy, etc. on one end and not fully stable, not properly tested and alway under development on the other, at the end the differences are very subtile. What remains are the consequences of actions I perform on my computer that are triggered by motivators that are not sustainable in the context of honesty towards myself and lack simple common sense.
I now again lost a whole day fixing things, time I should have dedicated to other matters like my DIP course.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to be tempted by curiosity and the wish to get the newest version or release instead of making sure my PC remained a stable work tool.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to cause myself losing time instead of focussing on matters that really need to be adressed first.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to panic and not think clear and in common sense when confronted with a situation of possible data loss instead of seeing the real situation and use all I know to properly address the issues.
Since the earliest news items I’ve been kind of monitoring my reactions and thoughts in relation to the E. Coli bacteria. It is really fascinating to see all kind of mechanisms going off by specific triggers.
The first news items were to me a kind of warning. It was something to keep an eye on and take into consideration. Immediately my mind started the survival mode and checked my actual living situation. Very quickly I came to the conclusion I was not living in a situation that could be very prone to this bacteria.
A little later, with all kind of news items on the MSM I started to see a likeness with the H1N1 virus and started to lower my guard since I judged the whole thing as an exaggerated and blown up situation. With this opinion I went on with my daily tasks until the moment came I was again confronted with a news item on this subject.
While discussing the matter with my partner I kept on monitoring my thoughts and while S. decided to toke some measures like peeling the fruit we have for breakfast and washing thoroughly the salad I was still dealing with a mechanism in my mind that was playing down the whole issue because it was a threat far from us living in a small village in the middle of Italy. This same mind, strangely enough, kept on working out other issues clearly based on fear and survival. I started wondering if the water we use for drinking was going to remain safe. It is spring water that comes right from the big mountain in our back yard. Very little chance this E. Coli bacteria is going to be found there but the thought was persistent.
When I had a light cramp in my stomach (just before I had to go to the toilet for a normal ‘shit’) I was worried for a short moment. When I heard that a friend of us, while going home after a stay at our place for a couple of days had nasty cramps in his stomach I started to wonder if he was not having an E. Coli infection. I started to quickly work out scenario’s thinking of what we’ve been eating, what should have happened if the poor guy fell severely ill and eventually died. This even though I know this person has chronic stomach problems. “This is back chat man!” I thought. Potentially I could start giving energy to these thoughts causing them to manifest.
Fascinating to see how easy the mind is triggered into patterns in order to feed the needs of survival, the illusion of uniqueness, fears and so on. How to stop this? Common sense! Using common sense you can approach the situation in a practical way and deal with every issue that comes up in the moment you are faced with it. I am not free of the mind but much more aware of what kind of games the mind is playing with me.
Until so far the Desteni I Process course, the materials I’ve read and the video’s I’ve watched, assisted me in seeing things in commons sense, in the way they really are. This took care of a lot of fear that until then I was regularly experiencing and pushing away just because I did not know how to deal with this emotion. Want to get rid of fear? Join us at Desteni and start reading and watching. Discuss with us about your fears and other issues on the open forum where you will be welcomed and supported.
Once you start checking out your back chat, it is amazing how often your mind is chatting about the things you are dealing with throughout the day. The most persistent back chat is caused by a point that is starting by myself, of course… S. is very busy with all her assignments, blogs and in between she squeezes her tasks as a mother in our household.
Nevertheless I have found myself in conflict with the fact S. is so busy, feeling I am the one that is taking care of all those small household things that come in between and eventually frustrating my efficiency regarding the way I manage my time during the day. But as long as I find myself doing things that are not the most important things, or just relaxing once in a while I truly should not have any reason to feel frustrated.
While my mind suggests I have to blame others for the fact I am feeling I am not managing my time as efficiently as I should throughout the day. The truth is I have to work on a balance between my regular work, my special assignments and all the tasks related to the house and in this period the veggy garden.
Analyzing the situation there is actually no real problem. I should be able to perform all my tasks in a constant but relaxed way. So, what is it that makes me think I am too busy and I have to do all these things alone? There is something in the mind that is always looking for something or someone to blame, just to make sure I can justify why I did not do all the things I could logically do in a day time.
While working behind a computer it is very easy to get distracted and to find yourself doing or reading something that you eventually could have done in another moment or not at all since it is not necessary. But of course the mind always tries to find a justification like “I might need this on another occasion”.
Even if the back chat is suggesting differently there is no big deal, life is going on and all that needs to be done gets done at the end. Just a matter of evaluating the priorities in the moment and execute my tasks in the moment and not already in the mind while still doing another thing risking to lose focus on the actual task and losing time on the task that when performed here and now will not be the same as the same task pre-runned in the mind.